October 10, 2001

September 26, 2001

September 11-12, 2001

August 26, 2001

August 20, 2001

Do you ever wonder why you develop a bond of love with one person and not another?

How do you decide that you love this person over your self? Is it a logical decision or is it more ethereal?

I love my big sister more than any other person in this existence. More than my husband, more than even my own parents and family. And I can't tell you why.

Somewhere, somehow, maybe even sometime, whether in this life or even another, we have formed a bond between us that defies logic. We aren't even blood related. There are so many differences between us, both social and even theological. She has a precious part of my soul and I am content with that.

You would think that I would say that she has supported my change throughout our friendship. WRONG. She has fought me almost every step of the way. Even now, after the surgery is done and I am trying to cope with my new identity, she does not think of me as female. She accepts what I have done and that I have found my own peace, but she still doesn't see me as female. She has even placed me in a very hard place more than once when I have had to decide between our love for each other and my transition to a woman. I have shed more tears in our struggle to cope with each other than I ever have for anything else. The bond that exists between us defies almost everything, yet it is stronger than ever. Why? I do not know. I can't explain it and I don't think she can either.

The day that she moved to another state several hundred miles away was the day I almost died. Yes I can talk to her on the phone and I can email her everyday, but I could not hug her or touch her or see her expression as we talked. She came back to town just last week for a visit. When I found that I couldn't manage to take time off from work to spend every minute of my time with her, I cried. When I found that I would still have to share her with her other friends, who don't all care for me either, I was saddened. Yet, when I saw her and spent what few hours I had with her, I was content and happy. However those hours were too short for both of us. I was the first person she saw when she got off the plane and the last person she saw when she left. I cried as I walked out of the terminal and on the way home. I love her with all my heart and soul and she is gone again from my side.

Our lives move on our seperate paths, each of us changed in our own ways, but sometimes those paths do cross when we can find a way.

She is become my big sister, my friend, my confidant, a part of my soul.


The music I weep to when she is gone:

August 14, 2001

There are times when I run across a phrase or sentence that strikes close to the heart of my struggles and pain that I have endured in my life.

This is an exerpt from Rebekkah DeMere's "Eight Dragons." I believe it speaks for itself...

July 29, 2001

July 24, 2001

July 20, 2001

July 17, 2001

July 6, 2001

June 27, 2001

June 18, 2001

June 5, 2001

June 4, 2001

June 1, 2001

May 29, 2001

Who was that person that wrote the last few entries?

Anyway, not much to say. I've been busy with work, which is a lot easier and pays just as much as my last job. In my free time I haven't been posting too many new stories, but I am in the process of redesigning most of the pages on the site, so look for them in the near future. I am also seriously looking at a page about myself. I just have to find the right pictures to go with it. *Smile*

The melodic sounds of "Paradise City" from GNR screaming from my speakers...

May 23, 2001

As my big sister has once again offered her sage advice, I need to move on in my life. The latest advice is concerning my period. I have one. It may be bad now, but I have to learn to live with it like every other woman on the planet. It happens. I don't like it. I feel crappy when it's here. I feel a LOT better when it's gone, until next month. And so on, and so on, etc.

*Sigh* Just another thing in my life to get used to and to move on as a mature adult.

On to news about my site. I am sorry I haven't been posting many stories in the last couple of weeks. I am trying to adapt to my new schedule with my new job. It takes up more time during the day, but it is better times! I actually can stay up and watch my shows, well at least the ones that aren't ending, and be able to get enough sleep without myself or my husband waking up when the other does to get ready for work. We almost have exactly the same schedules now, so I don't wake him up and vice versa. This is a good thing. I think. I do like my quiet time to myself when I first wake up, so I still get up an extra half hour or so before he does, just so I won't be too bitchy to him when he gets up.

In more news, I am in the process of providing more links to some stories, especially those that have multiple chapters. (i.e. Tuck and Eight Dragons.) This will take some time, so bare with me for a little while. I have also been spending some time reading current and older stories in search of more authors to invite to post on my site. I still ask permission from ALL authors, whether they have included disclaimers or not to that effect.

Also another issue that arose this past weekend was the topic of exclusives. I am not in search of exclusive stories with ANY authors. I feel that one of the reasons for my site is to promote another avenue for readers to find quality fiction in our community. With the alleged threats of sites being shut down due to their content, we have to keep other avenues open for authors to post so that this great community never dies. It won't no matter how hard some conservatives try.

O.K. Now back to the topic. Exclusives. I would be flattered if an author would consider my site as a sole repository for their stories, but I will not make that decision. That is the author's alone, not mine. I do not hold the copyrights to their stories, they do. That is why I ALWAYS ask permission first. The only copyrights I hold are my works and anything that relates directly to me and this site. This does not include the works by other authors and artists that are REPRESENTED on my site. I simply try to make a beautiful canvas in which to showcase the talent that I see in the authors and artist here. That's all.

Enough on that subject. I have been doing a lot of reflecting the last couple of weeks, in regards to RL and also my site. I am considering putting a little more personal information about myself here in the near future, so look for that eventually. I also have been contemplating the possibility of adding a message board. I don't know if I want to open up the possibility of flaming on my site. I have watch other sites that have dissappeared or been plagued because of this. I will watch the community for a time and I might consider it, if the temperment of the people out there is amicable.

BTW, one last note. I now have in my hot little hands my new birth certificate, stating both my name and gender as they should have always been, at least to me. (If you ask my big sister, she disagrees, but that is one of the reasons I love her so much!) The change was in affect months ago, but I've been kinda of paranoid about it until I had a hard copy of the proof. I have pulled it out more than a couple of times the last few days just to look at it. It is a symbol of what I have suffered and cried about for most of my life to date. It is finally done and official. That part of me that was, is no more, at least in a seperate sense. I have evolved out of that person into who I am today. As much I would like to fantasize that it could have been different, I do not truly think that I would have changed it for the world. I have been shaped by my journey and I like who I have become. I do not know who I would be if things had been different. I could have turned out to be a lot worse. I am REAL, unlike so many clones that I see in RL, sometimes. I see so many people who are empty and I realize how full my life has been. It may not have been totally to my liking, but what I have been through has tought me many, many things that I would never have learned if I had not had to suffer as I have. I may not have had the true friends and kindred that I do now. My life is enriched by my pain and I don't think I could have done much better at this point.

Real Life side note: I cried at the end of Buffy last night. I did not really expect that ending. I thought that they would have had her meet up again with Angel or something, but they had her be all noble and everything and throw herself into the portal and she died in order to save her sister and all of her friends. (Kinda like Sam at the end of Quantum Leap.) I cried then and I cried last night. It was beautiful and sad and beautiful. I can't wait to see how Angel handles it when Willow tells him all the sad details. *Sniffle*

"In The End" by Linkin Park

May 17, 2001

*Ooowwww!* I'll make this quick, because the light from the monitor is doing all kinds of painful things to my eyes and all of the nerves that attach them to my brain. I HAVE A MIGRAINE, DAMMIT! Sorry, I have had one all day, which made work a living hell. I have worn my sunglasses all day. I don't care about the strange looks I got from customers. You're just lucky my head didn't fall off my neck and start rolling across the carpet. Now THAT would have been strange!

Any way, to reiterate earlier entries, this is a BAD month for my period. I'm due. It's here. I hate it. Sometimes I wonder if the whole changing gender thing was a good idea. Guys have no clue how much easier they have it. Trust me, been there, well not really, but I can try to imagine that I was ever a guy.

In short, if you don't see any updates in the next few days, that is because I am trying to do my impersonation of the living dead. Or at least that is how I feel right now.

PLEASE, NO MUSIC! *Ouch!* "Stop yelling!" *Ooowww.*

May 16, 2001

*Sigh* I have been driving my husband crazy for the last few days. Every SINGLE time I start to lose it with him he always has to ask, "What's wrong now?". (I imagine shoving a grenade into his mouth, pulling the pin and diving behind the couch, while his head, as well as a good portion of the rest of his torso, explodes into a cloud of grays, reds, and whites, showering me, the couch, as well as the rest of the room in the microscopic pieces that were my one true love.)(Remind me to call a maid service to clean up the mess. "Hello, do you handle brain tissue and blood stains?")

Sometimes I do have to wonder if he ever looks at a calendar. I mean, I usually am pretty much on time every month, even as to which months are probably going to be worse than other. Honey, I am going to paint a huge calendar on the living room wall and mark which days I am going to be a little crazy, then maybe in a couple of more years you may understand that you really should just be quiet and patient with me when I am on my period. It's not that hard. If I need you, I will let you know. If I don't then you should have at least a small bit of sense to not act all hurt and ask that same, damn question that you ought to know by now just pisses me off even more.

I do LOVE you. It's nothing personal. I usually can't even stand to be in my own skin, let alone be near yours. It doesn't mean I am rejecting you. It just means that my hormones are going crazy and that affects ALL of my senses, including touch. Remember, women have a lot more exposed nerve endings than men. This means that even the air sometimes annoys me. It isn't YOU.

Last night I was feeling so out of it that one minute I couldn't even stand to be within two feet of my husband's skin, then the very next I would start crying and clinging to him like I would die if we were ever seperated. Then I couldn't stand him again. See the picture? *Sigh* Just one of the many prices to pay in order to be a woman. The sad thing is that having a period is presumed by most to be a sign of the ability to bear children. This I cannot do, yet I still feel most of the symptoms of my monthly cycle, with the one exception of menstruating. I can even honestly answer most of the questions on the information sheet at my gynecologist's office. Weee!

I am trying to get more of the site updated, but it is slow going right now with RL and all. We'll see what I can do today.

The music of choice for today is "Crawling" by Linkin Park as well as assorted songs by same.

May 11, 2001

I know I haven't kept up with my journal and that may be a good thing. I am finding that I am starting to try to work through some of the past and present pain that is in my life right now. One of the reasons, that wasn't clear at first, I started this site was as a hobby and I got tired of having to sift through Fictionmania, Crystal's, Nifty's, Michelle's and other sites to find something besides almost all erotica fiction. That, thinking back now, wasn't totally true. I believe that, subconsiously, I wanted to have an outlet to express some of the pain and share it with whoever wanted to listen. That's you, by the way.

I think one of the reasons I haven't kept up diligently with this is that I wasn't feeling a lot of pain and maybe I didn't have anything to share if I didn't share the pain. I guess that's why I am writing this now. I am in pain.

I am hurting right now. I was out today and saw parents and their children. Mothers and their offspring. I cry SO much, because I can't bear children. I can't. Never. This has always been an issue. I know the facts and the truth of the situation, but I can't overcome this. I sometimes see other women and I see their love for their children. A loving bond that only a mother who has given birth to that child can have. *SOB!* Yes, I could try to adopt and I would still love that child, but I still wouldn't have given birth to that child. I am sometimes too smart for my own good. My intellect will still try to tell me that this child is not MY child. It almost like I will have bought a child. It is NOT the same. That is why I cry, but it's not the only reason.

I cry because of my lost childhood. I cry for not having the love a father and daughter are supposed to have. I cry for still feeling alien in the midst of other women. I cry because of the distance between my loving, big, sister and I. I cry because she still doesn't understand me. I cry because my husband is hundreds of miles away and he isn't here to comfort me in my time of pain. *SOB!!!* I cry because this is a part of who I am now. I cry because my hormones dictate that I lose my control every month and have to put up with what every other woman has to put up with every single month. I cry because I am vulnerable. I cry because I am hurting and I don't like to hurt. *Sniffle!*

One thing I am truly crying about is I am fucking EARLY this month! I was supposed to have at least another week before this started! I feel all of this pain as it floods into the reservoir of my soul. The dam that I have built to stop this is weakened by the normal cycle every month that invades my life. I wasn't joking when I wrote several entries ago about my period. It is still very true and this is going to be a VERY BAD month. I will survive, just like always, but it will be hard.

A song that is very sweet and innocent that brings a DEEP, DEEP, pain to my soul. I cry almost everytime I hear this song, because it reminds me of what I never will have. The song of the night is "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlyle. *SOB!!!!!!!!!*

May 6, 2001

Yeah, yeah, I know. I haven't been keeping up with my journal, but, dammit, I haven't had the time!

Well, anyway, my new job is doing well. I have already gotten the basics down (Not TOO different from my previous one). I appear to be getting along with my fellow associates, plus I like my hours better. I still have to work weekends, but I at least get most of Sunday off, too! I will get a chance to spend less time dealing directly with the public, I am more of a liason or banker, than a direct cashier, plus I'll spend some time down in the office away from the customers. (Yes!) After I have been there awhile, I'll also get a substantial discount on the merchandise, too! (Hee. My husband might not like that one. *Grin*)

Tomorrow is a day of rest, so I hope to be able to do a massive update on the site again, I hope.

Oh, BTW, there appears to be a new author on the scene who is posting under the same name as I. Well, I can honestly say that I haven't put out any of my own written work, except for what is here on my site. I have publically acknowledged the disparity and am communicating with the author to try to alleviate any confusion, so we'll see what happens.

A close friend of mine got the new Enya CD, so I did the same. That appears to be the music of choice today, so everyone go with the flow, "Orinoco Flow", that is. *Smiles to the blissful sounds emanating from the speakers. Aaah!*

May 2, 2001

Ah, the sun is bright. The birds are singing. I sure feel that all is right. Especially when that little bitch's ears are ringing..after I take a big ass sledge hammer upside her head for causing me such anguish and pain!

*Strains of "Come with me" with Jimmy Paige frolicking through the house.* (I do like the version with Puffy only because he has the orchestra backing him up and that just sounds awesome with the volume cranked up so loud the dog is whining and the cat is hiding and the windows look like they are going to crack.)

*Sigh* So much for the self indulgent dark and sinister dream phase...

Now onto the rest of my day...

I am no longer employed where I was yesterday. So sad, bye bye. I left on my own terms, not theirs. I kept it professional and left without many tears. At least for the business, but I will keep in touch with some of the people there that I will miss. The one good thing is that not only did I receive a mild repremand, she did too. (HUGE evil grin.) That'll teach ya'!

To add even more joy joy to my day, in less than an hour after I wrapped up my affairs at my old job, I had a new one, which paid just as much with similiar benefits, better hours and a more mature and not so coorporate staff. God, I love it when I do things like that! My old boss was probably shocked to get a reference call not long after I had left the building. *Hehehe!* =)

*Finishing the day out with some "Lady Marmalade" from Christina, Pink, Mya, and Lil' Kim. It kinda got stuck in my head.*

May 1, 2001

Well, I'm starting to feel less than I was, which is actually a good sign. Thanks, Ellen, for caring. (Whoops! Should I have said that? Oh, dear.) ^_^

Anyway, I am starting to find some music to bring me back. Let's start with maybe, hmmm..., "Outside" by Aaron Lewis. Then how about a bit of Smashing Pumpkins with "Bullets with butterfly wings". Round it out with some Fuel and "Innocence" as well as "Hemmorhage". Top it off with "Janie's got a gun" from Aerosmith. Yes, that ought to do it....

Did I mention the chocolate cheescake with chocolate icing and chocolate crust? Yum!

April 29, 2001

I can just imagine God, in whatever manifestation you believe in, rolling around on the floor, laughing his/her fool head off.

Yes, I know, blasphemy at it's best, right?

*Annie, why do you have to always try to sleep in mommy's lap when she is trying to use the computer? Huh?*

Oh, yeah, back to the God's laughing. Well, it seems that as soon as I finally put my mind at ease and decide to stay with my current employer, well, I'm throwing that out the window. (Which isn't even open. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay to have it replaced!)
The synopsis is that upon arriving at work, actually looking forward to a good, productive evening, I get a bombshell dropped from a unbelievable height to just shatter any particular notions that I have about being secure in my job. I was suspended with a vague explanation of "touching a fellow employee in an inappropriate manner in accordance with guidelines set in the employee handbook." No details. No real explanation, except that I would have to wait until our companies' HR manager returned on Monday and investigated the report. Well, color me shocked. This complaint actually came from someone that I had gotten along with very well. We would cut up and giggle and generally have a good time when we worked together. And no, I was not attracted to her in the slightest. We were just a couple of women that enjoyed each others company at work. Or so I thought. Now I don't know. I think that I'll borrow some of Ellen's paranoia for awhile. I'll need it.

It could be only one of two possibilities that I can think of. (Did I mention I was clueless as to what they were refering to?)
It could be:
A)Sexual Harassment (Yeah, right!)
B)Inappropriate horseplay (Possible)

As to the Sexual Harassment possibility, I would like to see them try that one. They would be the first to be stupid enough to try that avenue. I already have a trusty lawyer waiting for a phone call if that is the case. I mean, EXCUSE ME! I AM NOT A LESBIAN! And I have never truly pursued that direction, though with the men, excuse me, boys that I have dated, it was looking possible at one time. Do they ever grow up?

Now, the latter choice is more probable, but if they wish to pursue that one, I have a whole arsenal of her antics and activities in which to disclose that do not make her the angel she is trying to portray. She is just as guilty as myself, for she has done the EXACT same things that I am assuming I am accused of. On top of that, let's add language, and unprofessional behavior to the mix. Even our managers have seen this. She may want to act like an angel, but check out my earlier poem entitled, "Demon Spawn" that was done in jest, based on her, but now it may be truer than I intended.

As far as my future employment, well I am NOT going to put up with this type of corporate, cloned, automaton atmosphere. I've already sent out my resume and have secured a recommendation from this job, before things go all to hell. *Sigh* I thought this job was going to be different, but some of the ones that made it different have left to move on with their lives, as I will do in the next few weeks. :+(

Listening to "Ghostwinds" from Steve Morse. Thanks for the reference, Ellen.

April 25, 2001

Let's try this again. (For those who do not have a clue what I am talking about, so sorry you missed it.)

I know, I know. I haven't been keeping up with my journal the past couple of weeks. Tough. Life is like that. It will pass you by when you are not looking.

To continue where I left off, I have decided to stay with my current employer for the forseeable future. I admit it, while there is a lot of stress and BS, (Oh, no. I'm rhyming again! This is not good.) I am in my comfort zone. I like the people I work with. The work itself, while repetitive sometimes, is a challenge unto itself some days. Besides, if I continue with them for the next couple of years, I'll advance enough that, even though I don't make enough for the job now or ever, I'll be able to go elsewhere and basically write my own salary down and say this is what I'm worth to you. Take it or leave it.

One of the main reasons, I haven't advanced yet, is that I just had the surgery done less than a year ago, and have had to cope with the changes. I've had a chance to catch up on some of my reading and I ran across Wendy's http://www.sapphireplace.com/ml/ Journal entry of a few days ago about having a period. Wendy, don't feel alone. I have had a period for as long as I remember, since puberty started. I tried to tell my doctors, but they ignored me for the most part and told my parents a lie, which ruined my life and my relationship with my parents for a number of years. I am smart enough to know what is going on with my own body, DAMMIT! Just because you have a bunch of letters after your name, doesn't mean you know what you are talking about! Anyway, I knew, just by my bodies development (mostly biochemical and psychological) that I was a female. Just as every other woman on the planet doesn't question there own gender, well neither did I. I am female and I have always felt myself to be one.

To get back to Wendy, hormones play a VERY big part in our development and our basic nature. I know this and have known this for some time. However, I didn't feel the true impact until I start on HRT and then I started to know how they truly interacted with my body and my mind. We ALL have hormones that are secreted from other places besides the reproductive organs. I had an intense discussion with a friend on this very issue. She has always had a hard time with my transition and I am still educating her on many aspects of my change. She didn't believe that there were other places that hormones came from. I know different as well as most intelligent doctors do also. I am having a hard time adapting to the changed hormonal levels in my system after my surgery. Especially during my period. I have never had as bad a period as I have the last few months. For the uneducated out there, the ONLY thing I do not have to put up with is the menstrual bleeding. That's the ONLY thing. I have to deal with every other aspect of my period, ranging from cramping, bloating, water weight, irritability, depression, mood swings, tenderness, sex drive, etc. And, while I do not necessarily like all of this, I have had to accept it as part of being the woman that I am, just like every other woman. It's only natural. Period. =)

As far as updates are concerned, please just be patient. RL and work has kinda taken up all of my time. Damn Them! I will try to update more often as time permits.

Strangly, I haven't been listening to much music lately. Hmmm.

April 17, 2001

April 12, 2001

April 9, 2001

*Click* "I'm sorry, Beverly is not at home right now, but if you wish to leave your name and number you may do so after the beep. I will try to ignore you and get back to you only at my own convenience." *BEEP!*

RL kinda has me drained today. So, as all people are likely to do, I'm going away for a few hours, days, weeks...(wistful thinking *Sigh*) I'll return to RL a little later, so until them, chow!

*Listening to the melodic sounds of "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions*

April 7, 2001

Quote: "Never put off until Tomorrow, the mischief you can do Today..."

    Hhmmmm....

April 5, 2001

Too much going on in RL. I have been put in a position of deciding my future with my current employer. Are they worth it? Am I going to be an asset or a hindrence? Do I have the energy and drive to continue to make it there? These are just logical questions that don't even betray the emotional turmoil behind them. I find myself, after the surgery, pretty aimless as far my future goals and ambitions. Where do you go, when you have acheived your ultimate goal in your life up to this point? When you have aspired to your current lifestyle so strenuously that you have no other goals in mind. I wonder if this is how some major sports figures feel when they have reached the end of their game? I almost feel shell shocked right now. I have been thrust from one situation that defined who I am to one where I have to face a new reality. I am happy with myself and what I've become in the physical sense. However, I still have along ways to go as far as psychological and spiritual. My journey is not over, but where do I go from here?

April 3, 2001

*Sigh*
Once again, it seems that life has away of proving you right or wrong. Well, after my own observations about women, in general, being closer than men will ever know, I had the situation thrown right at me. After venting on here yesterday, I proceeded to go to a reputable establishment and try to will myself into oblivion with some help from some choice beverages. (Yes, Dammit, I was getting Drunk! DUH!) After joining a like minded group of female friends, we proceeded to bond even closer and scaring the men off in the process. I found myself, along with my fellow girlfriends, getting very uninhibited and in doing so, propositons of threesomes, lesbian activities and comparing of rather intimate parts of our bodies by feel or even show, were some of the common topics of discussion. This is actually rather normal in most of the feminine circles that I belong to. A few of my friends would rather not be involved in such a situation. So be it, they are still my friends and I love them for it! What I am trying to point out is that we, as women, are fairly open-minded, adventuresome, uninhibited human beings. We are able to share in moments and emotions that men do not understand. So be careful if you do not want to be a part of such a crowd, but remember this is more normal than not. Don't let yourself be fooled by infatuation with being close to someone vs true love of an intimate kind. This is the final word I am going to say on this topic. I've got more stories to post and to finish the final unpacking, so until later.

April 2, 2001

After having to deal with hundreds, YES HUNDREDS, of teenaged mutant hatchlings, I am a considering launching an ambitious campaign for birth control. If you think your children are all sweetness and light, you have never seen them away from home, away from parental units and relatively free of any real supervision whatsoever. ( Chaperones, do not count! They are usually trying to have fun themselves, so why do they truly care about your kids?) They are an ugly mob when grouped in packs of a dozen or more. They usually don't have identities in smaller clicks, but get them together with a competent leader, a morally abiguous deviant, a prankster, well you get the picture. These are the people the armed forces should be looking to recruit enmasse. They would probably make the Seals look pathetic. Remember the movie, "The Breakfast Club"? We are their parents. What do you think your children are going to be like? I'll tell you. They are Demon Spawn. I was inspired to write some more, so go take a look..Beverly's Story Page.

On to another topic...

It has been brought to light that KimEm, by her own journal, is in love with Wendy-J. I have kept up with their "relationship" through both their journals. Well, with KimEm openly admiting her love for Wendy-J, I now believe the forum is open for a little advice. DON'T GO THERE! Love comes in many, many forms. They are easy to confuse, especially in a situation of loneliness that we have all been in from time to time, including myself. First of all, marriage is a factor. Remember the vows you said at your own wedding? They are still sacred, no matter the morals of today's society. You can love more than one person, but the LOVE you feel for your spouse should be tantamount over any other. I have ex-boyfriends that I still love, but we just didn't work out as far as life long partners. There is the love of our siblings that is a bond that should be strong, but never interferes with your Love for your spouse. As women, love comes easier to us than men. We have to be careful not to confuse our love that we develop as sisters with the love of intimacy. Yes, it can happen, easily. We are close in our sharing of feelings and we understand each other that men will never get. We are naturally conditioned to be close and loving, but don't make the mistake of crossing the line between loving a sister and loving in a more intimate manner. Love is great, just don't choose the wrong one...

March 31, 2001
Crawling my way back up, slowly. That's all I'll say here. I have spoken in other ways, so see my Story page I just put in.

March 29, 2001
Deeper down into the depths of my mind is where I am. Nothing much touches me here, a friendly smile, a simple greeting, even a delectable piece of chocolate. None of these and more were able to reach me. I feel nothing, but a deep pain in my very soul. I am soooo tired. However, as with all things in nature, there is a balance. I seem to have reached down as far as I will go this time. I gradually find that maybe I can crawl my way back up until I am a more humane level. *Sigh* I hate when this happens. Why can't I stay gone and never come back? It would be so much easier...

March 28, 2001
Why do we ever keep trying? What is it about life that wants to force us to try to make something meaningful that will transcend our very existence? What's the point? It is amazing how quickly we can sometimes be dragged from a point of pure happinesss to the point of deep depression. I hate being sick or in a weakened condition. It gives my mind too much control to wander around and dredge up old wounds and hurt. This feeling of vulnerability is only more acute when I am truly alone. My husband and friends usually do not see this side of me. The deep, dark well that I have fallen into once again. When I am around others, at least I can cling to there interaction as a form of belonging. However, would it really matter if I were to just disappear? Would my existence actually have any meaning? Would it make a difference if I were here or had never existed? I have to wonder about these things when I am at the low I am at now. You would think, I would have reason to stand up and rejoice at my finally achieving my goal of having the surgery done. I've done that, but the elation lasted but a short time, for I realized that I still have all the baggage I have carried all my life. I have only gotten rid of one of my problems. There are many, many more just waiting to step up and dominate my life once again...

Somehow, I don't feel up to more work on the site, maybe another day.

March 27, 2001

*Groan.* Will I ever stop hurting? When will it be enough? Haven't I gone to Hell and back and still live to talk about it? I mean, here I am post operative (That's as in AFTER Sex Reassignment Surgery for those mundanes who have stumbled onto my site by pure accident.) and I am still trying to put the psychological pain behind me. I have struggled for so long with my condition that, now that it's over, I feel like I am adrift. The surgery and transition were so all consuming goals, that I never seemed to be able to focus on anything else, except surviving. As I've said to various others, the surgery is not the cure all that we all hope for. Don't get me wrong! Words can't describe how much of a relief it is to finally look like the person, I have always been. It's just that after the surgery, I have had to try to reestablish my balance with my mind, body and soul. I was never to come close, due to the obvious obstacle of my body structure. Now that that is out of the way, I can begin to LIVE my life, instead of just struggling to survive. What does this mean to me? Where will my path lead now? Will I find the complete and total bliss that comes with finding your ultimate balance? I DO NOT KNOW. All I can do, is carry on as I have been, while struggling with the pain and trials of the journey to womanhood that I have undertaken. I am just beginning, now that I have a the proper starting point that the surgery helped create.

March 26, 2001

Well, it's been a week of hell. *I DO NOT LIKE BEING SICK!* I guess in my weakened state, I couldn't stand it any more. I have had enough with AOHell and their happy, happy slow servers and messed up page generators. So, I decided to move, of course! If you are reading this on the day it's posted, then you obviously know that after several days of hair pulling and bleary eyed staring at my monitor, I have successively moved. (Or at least in the process of doing so.)I am like a kid with a new toy. I decided upon the advice of those who kept telling me how much of an idiot I was for building a site with so much garbage in it, code and all, not the site itself, that I would take the plunge and write the code by hand, thus eliminating the crap that was being put in there by the fancy page builders. So you see the result. This is my pride and joy right now, and if you don't like it, well Yuck Fou!

O.K. The site is my pride. My joy just crawled into mommies lap and is proceeding to. inte eser inte&64w fer... ANNIE! Stop that! I'll feed you in a minute. Yes, I know it's time for me to go to bed. *Sigh* Do you know how hard it is to try to sit at a desk and type on a computer with a kitten squirming in your lap and try to follow the bouncing cursor on the screen. *Sigh*

March 20, 2001

Snort! Hack! Cough! Achoo! Shit! Another wonderful day in the neighborhood! Yep! You got it! So do I! Why is it that people feel the need to use up all their sick days for vacation, days off, etc. AND THEN, when they are truly sick, they bring themselves around us perfectly healthy specimens of humanity and proceed to wage biological warfare on the rest of us, just because they can't afford to waste a day of work that they won't be able to perform properly anyway since they are sick! Save it for the pets and kids and the people that love you no matter what, even if you are trying to bombard them with deadly bacteria. Hoack! Courf! Snarfle! Dammit!

March 19, 2001

Life has a way of moving on whether you are participating or not. So it has been for the last week. The site is taking shape into what I want and now I can concentrate on adding more stories and less on the dynamics of the site. I am still using a webpage making tool, but I am gradually learning more about HTML as I progress, so I hope to eliminate some of the garbage that slows down the access time and will eventually write the pages manually, so they'll be more efficient.

Real Life: same as always. *Sigh*

March 14, 2001

As you can probably see, I have redesigned the front page. I was still having trouble with the background JPG's, so I pulled them and wrote a new page. If this doesn't work, I will just tear out my hair, cry tremendously and start over. Life is like that. Get used to it. Anyway this goes for all of the story pages too, so if they are unavailable, that just means, I am working on them.

And on to RL...

Things are fairly quiet. I have some down time to work on the site for a couple of days before I have to go back to playing with the mundanes. Wheee! Getting caught up on my reading which includes the HTML book, so maybe there will be life again on my site. So for now, I'm BUSY! Talking not important, so until later...

March 11,2001

Frustration is setting in as I try to reconfigure my pages to work on browsers other than what I've got now. While I don't seem to have any trouble, some people, have had whiteouts, blackouts, and even pink/white outs. Isn't life wonderful? So you may see many incarnations of this site in the days to come. In the meantime, I have added several stories to Samantha's page and have opened Crystal's page with her first story. Zoe's is in the wings, just waiting for the link. I would like to thank anyone who has dropped by and taken a look. I only ask that you email me and let me know what you think.

March 9, 2001

Taking a break from the mundanes that are an annoying part of my life. Why is it that people act like you, yes YOU, have personally decided to pick them out of a crowd and piss on their day? Yes, I myself, took one look at you and decided just for the hell of it to make your life a living hell. I have nothing better to do than to shit on your day and laugh insanly while I do it. Hey people! It's nothing personal. Shit happens! Not only to you, but me and every other f*&%ing human being on the planet. Including me. If I were truly pissed at you, I would let you know in so many unladylike terms and proceed to ruin your life, your families life and a few of your closest friends and I might even throw in your mailman for dessert. YUM! Get a life! It's not that hard. Start thinking for yourself and maybe you would realize what an asshole you are. The world is full of seagulls. You don't have to be one of them!

On to more academic thoughts...

I've have been notified, by someone who is actually not afraid to tell me the truth of what she thinks of my site, that I have to reconsider some of the basic color scheme of my pages. They looked good in thought and on my particular monitor, but I have to realize that not everyone may have the same configuration on their computers or even have the same asthetic tastes that I have. As far as the configuration, I am working on that and I trust that everyone will let me know if they are having problems. As far as their tastes matching mine...Hey! It's my site and I can do whatever the hell I want to with it!

And speaking of...

People that have visited my site. I have had over two hundred visits in only a couple of days, but only maybe 4 or 5 emails telling me what you think. While I do appreciate people taking the time to stop by, a little encouragement or even criticism is not only welcome, it's needed. Don't be shy. How do you expect more future sites and groups forums to flourish if you never participate, either with a quiet, "I like" or "I hate" or a loud, "Way To Go!" While I am doing this for my own personal enjoyment, I do have a goal of expanding this site to equal maybe Crystal's or Fictionmania. If you don't want another avenue open to you to enjoy amateur or even professional fiction, then don't say a word. U..N..D..E..R..S..T..A..N..D?

More stories added in the near future as time permits. Remember. Mundanes.

March 7,2001

Finally worked out some of the problems with attaching and posting the stories. Yeah! Hey, I did say I was a beginner at this, didn't I? Anyway, I've started posting Samantha Michelle's (Thanks Samantha!) stories. After her's I'll work on Crystal's and Zoe's. I'm still waiting for permission from a few others, but in the meantime I'll be busy with what I have. Today I get to go back to play with the mundanes at my job, so it may be a few days before I continue with the expansions to the site. Please be patient and kind. Thanks.

March 6, 2001

Just waiting for permission to post stories from some of my favorite TG authors. I have recieved a reply from Crystal, Samantha Michelle and Zoe Burgess so I guess you'll see some of their stories here shortly after I work out the best way to go about that, of course. I've just finished adding the banner for Jonathon's site and making sure all of the little copyright info is in place so I don't get accused of any unlawful activities like downloading MP3's through a certain site that we all know and love. Just for those out there who feel their copyrights are being infringed upon, all I have to say is if you shut down one, there a at least another hundred ways to do the same thing. You just went after the easy target. Makes you feel ill doesn't it? Good. The technology changes everything. Live with it. Find your profits another way instead of wasting money on dead-end court battles that will accomplish nothing in the long run. O.K. Back to your normally scheduled programs.

March 5, 2001

Well. A deep hole. Lots of water. Don't fall in.

I hope everyone bares with me as I embark on starting this website. It is something I considered, but never had the time or nerve to try. In the near future I hope to expand and learn how to do many things with the site. I don't have a clue much about html's or links or whatever. I'm just a beginner, however I always learn through trial and error. I hope to expand the site to include some of my favorite author's stories as well as maybe some of my own. I hope to make this an entertaining as well as maybe educational site. Anyone that has any constructive criticism or advice are quite welcome. Anyone not in the above category who wishes to express their opinion... well that's why they put a delete key on computers. Well, I have more tinkering to do, so off I go.