"I've been sitting here trying to figure out where to start, my journal screen
just sitting there in front of me, open, like a gaping, empty mouth waiting to swallow me.
So where do I begin with this? How do I say what I have to say?"
"What now?" Smack. Come on!"
Grrrrzzzits.
"Shit!" Bang.
"Okay, let's try this. I was born Michael William Vello on November 15th, in the
year 2062. Therefore, by easy addition, that means I'm 20 years old, or at least I have
seen twenty years pass in my short lifetime. Ten months ago, when this whole thing
started, I was still nineteen and a freshman in college."
There! That wasn't so hard! What's next? Let me see. Oh yeah! How could I forget?
I had been in school about three months at the time my little unfinished journey began,
having moved out of my parents modest home, which had been made to be slightly more
spacious by the death of older sister, Erin, about two years earlier. Until then, our
lives had been about as normal as one can expect since the war and all the shortages and
rationing started, but all that happened before I was born, so I really don't remember
anything else. For me, life has always been about shortages. Others have it so much worse.
I really have to remember that, especially now!
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, life was about as normal for our family as it was
for most others. My Mom and Dad had grown up before the shortages and explosive population
growth and remember a much different existence. From what they've told me, it must have
been a very opulent time; things like beef and other meats available at anytime without
any rationing, grains and bread on open shelves in the grocery store and the freedom to
pick and choose what kind of cheese or bread you bought. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're
going to say; those types of choices still exist, but as I'm sure you're already aware,
they only exist for the very rich or privileged in our society. Most of us don't have any
clue about the comfort that these choices can provide.
Normal life for our small quartet ended with the death of my sister in the summer of
2079 in a HOV accident. The driver lost control, ended up trying to hover over water and
sunk like a rock. After that my parents, caught in wave after wave of grief, made life
unbearable for not only themselves but for anyone who came within a thousand yards of
them. Please don't get me wrong. I loved my sister very much. We were very close and I was
devastated the night she was killed. I lost my only true loving family member. Yes, Mom
and Dad loved me, but Erin was the "special one," the "favorite son"
-- or daughter in this case. I don't resent anyone for this. In fact, I understand it --
and on the night she died, we had shared some of the most profound moments we had ever
shared as brother and sister -- but after two years, the pain of loss diminishes and one
finds it's time to move on. I'm sure my sister wouldn't have minded.
My parents, on the other hand, wanted to wallow in the depths of their despair as
though it were a warm bath to be enjoyed at the end of a hard day's work. I guess it's
hard to betray the memory of a child, your child, by admitting that it's time to move on
without them. I can see how some could view that as a sort of perverse abandonment and I
don't think they ever forgave me for what I decided to do next. I left!
I had graduated from high school in that two-year period after my sister's death and
was ready to make a life for myself. I felt that the best way to honor Erin's life was not
to defile my own.
It was clear that my parents weren't going to help send me to school, so I
self-qualified for several grants and scholarships. Then, I applied for on campus living
quarters and bodda-bing, bodda-boom, I'm attending City College. I started during the
winter semester and lived in a small single room in the men's dorm two blocks away from
the main campus. It's sometimes hard to believe that moving out and starting school all
happened less than a year and a half ago. Then, after what seemed a quantum leap later
with a little poor judgment thrown in for good measure, here I am -- but I'm getting ahead
of myself.
God, has it really been that long now? I guess it has. I still remember the date. How
could I not? For me, it's kinda like remembering what you were doing when the first
colonial ships landed on Mars or where you were and what you were doing as you watched
President Houston commit suicide on a national VID broadcast. My moment of infamy was
March 4th, 2081. The night before all this started, I had been hanging out at a local club
where my band was currently playing sold-out shows four nights a week, Thursday through
Sunday. As luck would have it, Gary knew just where I could be found that Monday night.
The place was nearly empty Monday to Wednesday since the band didn't play those nights
and Marcus, the owner, didn't have and one else playing to fill in the gap. The place held
about two hundred people comfortably, but on Friday and Saturday, it was common to find as
many as five hundred or more crammed in to hear the band. Monday, Marcus was lucky if
forty people showed up all night let alone at one time. This made it easy to spot me at
the bar. My attention was diverted from my drink to the door when it opened. In walked
Gary, a huge plastic looking smile on his face. I couldn't help thinking to myself that
Gary had found some new thing to fill that "Danger Niche."
"Yo!" Gary shouted from across the room. I raised my hand and smiled to him.
"Hap?" I asked.
"Nada. You?" He gripped my hand, squeezing it hard. Then, he gave it a couple
of good pumps before letting it go.
"Drinkn' for free," I said and lifted my glass to him.
"Marcus. One of those for me and put it on his tab," Gary said with a smile.
"You pay for your drinks Shipley," he growled with a huge grin as he set the
glass down. "Besides I know you can afford it."
"Aw, Marcus. I'm truly hurt. You know this man here wouldn't be earning you so
much money if it wasn't for me."
"Bullshit!" he responded, but made no move to leave, as if expecting the rest
of the explanation.
"Truly." Gary sipped his Water Ale. I raised my eyebrows and looked at Gary,
also waiting for an answer.
"Why, I was the one that recognized all that talent in this tall, lanky, useless
pole of flesh," he said with a grin. I rolled my eyes and went back to nursing my
drink.
"I thought it was his sister that found out about this fine man's particular
talent," Marcus asked and leaned in to Gary.
"Yah, that is the popular rumor, but what you don't know is that I'm the one that
told her. Knowing of her immense talent in the musical field, I was led to the decision
that she would be the best to handle his burgeoning career. I was merely acting in the
capacity of a -- oh let's say -- a talent scout," Gary finished and took another sip
of his drink.
"Talent scout," Marcus snorted, then looked at me for confirmation. I nodded
ruefully and he said, "Bullshit artist, more like it. That will be six bucks,
Shipley, cash or chip?"
Gary glowered at Marcus with a mock-surprised look on his face, then cracked a smile
and produced a transaction chip from his wrist clip.
"Thank you Mister Shipley, your chip has been debited six dollars. Would you like
to tip your server?" Marcus asked with a genuine smile.
"Sure," Gary said. Marcus was about to debit the chip again when Gary said,
"Don't stroke yourself on roadside during rush hour. You'll get arrested."
Marcus' face clouded over. He turned and tossed the chip back to Gary, then stormed off
to tend to more generous customers.
"Thanks asshole!" Gary muttered beneath his breath.
"You know, if you'd stop prodding him, he would probably buy you a drink from time
to time, just because he knows you're my friend," I observed with my head still
facing my drink.
"There's no fun in that. Besides, he likes it. We wouldn't be friends without that
lively exchange. He'd think I was useless and no-account."
"Gary, he thinks that now," I laughed.
"Huh? What do you mean?" he said trying to look surprised and innocent at the
same time.
You're busted I thought to myself. I turned around on my bar stool and faced the nearly
empty room. "You mean you came all the way down to the campus bar just to, " I
waved my hand at the room, "enjoy all the night life? You? Mister excitement?"
"I can't come down and see how my best bud is doing? Mikey, now I really am
hurt." He had been looking at me but now turned away and acted as if he were pouting.
That only made me laugh.
"Okay, Good to see you then," I said chuckling. "I was about to go get
something to eat, want to join me?"
"Naw, I'm eating down at my folks' place tonight, helping out some later, but
thanks."
We sat in stony silence for some time. His silence was uneasy, but I couldn't figure
out a way to get the truth out of him, so I finally said, "Well, enough for me. I'm
hungry. Sure you won't join me?"
"For cold pizza or fish and chips? Ah ... thanks but no thanks. You know I can't
eat that crap and you shouldn't either. It will gum up your insides."
"My parents don't own a four-star restaurant and I'm poor, remember?" He
blushed and I silently kicked myself for being such a jerk. Then I said, "Well, if
you change your mind, it sounds like you know where to find me. See ya."
I turned and called to Marcus, waving. "Hey pal, see you Thursday, Okay?"
Marcus waved and smiled in return. Then, I slapped Gary on the shoulder and made for the
door, glancing behind me just a little to see when Gary got up to follow me. It took
longer than I though it would. I had just about decided that I'd been wrong about him this
time. Maybe he had just wanted some company after all. I was about to turn around and head
back to the bar when I head the door crashed open and someone come running in my
direction.
Ignoring my statement he proceeded with his own question, puffing a bit as he did,
"Ah ... listen ... I was ah ... wondering...."
"I was wondering if maybe a few of us could meet at your dorm room tomorrow
night?"
"Ah," he started looking a bit confused. "It's ... convenient," he
answered smiling, obviously proud of himself.
"Oh no, no, NO. Not we ... everyone that's going is already on board. I just
thought that it would be a good place for us to meet before we moved on to the evening's
excitements."
"Oh, I see. Well then, what are you doing?" an old thorn began jabbing me in
my side. I wasn't sure I really wanted to hear the rest.
"Look I can't really talk about it here. It's, kind of covert," he whispered
with a sly smile. "But we're gonna miss you on this one Mikey."
I raised my eyebrows at that. I was being excluded from one of Gary's excursions. In
advance, I was being excluded.
"Am I going to get into any trouble letting you meet there?" I asked.
I shrugged at the comment. "So, you don't want me along, is that it?" I was
as surprised by the comment as he appeared to be.
"This is a one-night adventure for six people. You've never wanted to go in the
past; we just all assumed that you wouldn't want to this time either. The boat's full,
sorry."
I guess I was visibly surprised, because Gary continued with his apologies in rapid
succession.
"Jeez. Mikey. I didn't even think you would want to come along, After all the
times you just 'bowed out' as you like to say." He rubbed his blonde hair back with
one hand in a fretful gesture. "Man, I don't know what to say, except I'm
sorry."
Hurt, but not wanting to it to show I said, "It's Okay." I meant 'It's Okay,'
but remember, I said that as if it had been one word. "We'll, you're probably
right." Then, to prove I was not hurt, I consented. "Sure you guys can meet
there. What time? I'll need to be there to let you in." This was the first time since
I had come to know Gary that I could remember that I had been deliberately excluded from
one of his "adventures." I was surprised again that I felt on top of the
jealously I usually felt at his daring, instead feeling the slightest bit of pain at
having been rejected as a choice for the first time. I shivered. The winds of change were
blowing in my life again. Gary, my childhood friend was moving on, and I guess so was I.
With the band's popularity, or my studies in school, it would only be a matter of time
before we went our separate ways, but it still made me sad to think that this chapter of
my life was coming to a conclusion. That's the way it happens though isn't it? When you
least expect it, your life changes forever. Rarely is there a way to ever go back.
"Right. Six sound Okay?"
"That's Polar. Class is over around three-thirty so I can be there whenever."
"Kewl" Gary said and then stopped. "Say, are you Okay?"
He waved it off and said, "Never mind. See you at around six tomorrow."
"See ya," I said. Gary turned and made his way down the street in the
opposite direction from my place.
I wondered what he meant by "covert" and shivered again. I had the deepest
dread that tomorrow might be the last time I ever saw Gary again. The thought put me in
the doldrums as I went about the rest of the evening. That night was entirely uneventful.
So much so, I don't much remember what happened following my meeting with Gary. I do
remember that fish and chips sounded rather good and I got an order on my way home.
The next day I dressed, went to class, came home and waited. I spent the time
between studying and doing my "good boy never does bad" routine of homework and
checkbook balancing. I remember thinking that I had to get my latest grant installment
deposited to the bank as soon as I could. It sometimes amazed me that cash was still being
used, but I guess you can count on the government for a few constants.
At around five forty-five Norman and Frank, two close mutual friends of Gary and I
showed up. With my schedule in the band, there hadn't been much time for all of us to get
together and shoot the bull in quite a while. I was stung again by the fact that I hadn't
been asked to join in. What the hell did they think I was, a coward?
"What's up gentlemen?" I asked, shaking hands as they entered. They mumbled
their greetings and shook my hand in return, each one coming in and finding a place to sit
in the small, overstuffed room that was my one-room dorm. I felt uncomfortable; there was
no conversation from these two old friends. We sat down and stared at each other.
"Well, it's been a while hasn't it?" I started, trying to break the ice.
"Yeah!" and "Hell yeah," were the responses I got followed by
"Long time ..." and "Hell yeah, too long ..." then silence. I looked
from one to the other and back several times. "Damn, you boys talk too much!"
Norman laughed nervously. "Come on... what's going on tonight? Frank, what is it
that Gary feels I'm not ..." someone knocked on the door and you could see the look
of relief on Frank's face, the look of a boxer about to be counted out as the bell rang.
"Door's open," I shouted and I got up to greet whoever came in, then looked
at Frank and added, "We're not done."
The door opened and Kit oozed into the room. I liked Kit. He always seemed so smooth.
Many people around campus considered him odd. He was quiet until you got to know him. He
never put himself forward for comment unless asked. When in social situations he usually
just sat and quietly listened to the various conversations going on around him. He was not
a dater. He had an occasional steady girl he would see for a while but so far nothing too
serious. He seemed to glide when he walked.
I read an old book written some time ago by a lady named Anne Rice. It was about a
vampire named Louis. This vampire could move fluidly from one place to the next, seemingly
without really moving his legs or feet. The way Louis moved in that book reminded me a lot
of the way Kit moved. I found Kit thoughtful. He didn't speak often, but when he did you
had better listen. It was usually important. He was perhaps the best straight man I knew.
"Hey, Kit! How are you pal?" His eyes had a slight glassy look to them.
"Feelin' no pain I see." He said nothing, just stuck out his hand and shook
mine, grinned and moseyed off to the corner of the room to start listening.
Of the three now present, Norman the one we all most worried about. In fact, there was
some question as to whether or not he was actually mentally impaired in someway. He very
often forgot where he was even when traveling with a group or in a clearly marked area or
well-known place. At times like these, he seemed at a loss for where to get a clue. He
quite often said things that were inappropriate, as if he had no idea who was listening or
that the company he was keeping at that time might be offended by what he had just said.
He had a heart of gold and would never hurt anyone. He just wasn't the sharpest knife in
the drawer. In fact, he was more of a spoon.
It was this one unchecked element that let me know what was going on just as Gary and
Rod arrived at the dorm building. Norman said, "So does anyone know if Rod is
bringing the skins here or what?"
I was absolutely floored. Skins! What the hell could Gary be thinking?
I looked around the room to gage the reaction of the others at the news that tonight's
little adventure involved what I considered something more than just risky. Most of them
just looked at the floor or at the ceiling, anything but look me in the eyes. I did catch
Frank roll his eyes at Norm. Everyone already knew.
I verbally leaped on Norm, "Hey, what the hell is this about skins, Norm? Gary
didn't say anything about that to me!" Then to all of them I asked, "How many of
you knew about this before you got here?" Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew the answer but I
needed the admission from all of them. My brow scowled at them all. They were not
impressed.
One by one, they all started counting off. Kit raised his hand, then Frank. Even Norman
raised his hand, looked around and realized I already knew he knew and slowly lowered it
again.
"God damn, guys I know you've all heard the stories. You can't think this shit is
Okay," I declared. I was incredulous, but no one said anything; they just stared at
me with wide eyes and blank faces as if to say Yeah, So?
I could not believe these guys were actually thinking of going off and doing something
as stupid as trying on skins. I had heard some really ugly things about these devises. I'm
sure most of them were urban legends; even so, some are really scary. Like the twenty-five
year old guy that programmed a four-day lockout to a skin only to find out once he got it
on that it was the skin of a very old man. He had a heart attack trying to get it back off
and died in the skin. Shit like that really nerved me out.
What few so-called facts I did know, I felt relatively certain were true. These were
used for subversive operations by the government. Why? The reason for that was simple,
they made perfect disguises.
I had learned that originally, a genetics company in New York City had developed them
for commercial use. The idea was to give those of the general population who were unhappy
with their looks and opportunity to change their looks without surgery. The skins
genetically modified a person's own structure to reform him or her into the shape of the
person the skin was designed to emulate. More to the point, you literally became the
person the skin was programmed to make you. If you got a woman pregnant while wearing a
skin, the baby would have the genetic traits of the person you were when you had the skin
on. Surgery or operations could not detect the use of a skin nor could such a procedure be
used to remove or deactivate a skin.
In fact, another one of those urban legends is of a US agent shot in the line duty
while wearing a skin. In order to save his life the surgeons removed a kidney. After he
had recovered, the agent in charge of his case had him shipped home. When the time came to
have the skin deactivated, they discovered that, by removing his kidney, they had changed
the algorithm used to store his original information and the skin could not be
deactivated.
This was some serious shit! It was just the idea of the possibility that gave me the
willies.
Frank reached over, popped Norman in the back of the head with an open hand and scolded
him, "Good going Norm, you limp noodle!"
"How the hell was I supposed to know Mikey didn't know? It's not like he wouldn't
find out," Norman defended himself.
"Found out?" I was confused. If they had all left without saying anything,
how the hell would I have found out?
Outside a van pulled up. Doors slammed and I could hear Gary and Rod laughing to each
other. It was a laugh that was too loud and strong. I could tell Gary was nervous.
"Good, Gary's here," said Frank as he got up and made for the door.
"The door man, I'm gonna get the door!" Frank tied to pull away but I had a
grip on his sleeve.
There was a knock on the door. Before I could answer it, the door burst open and in
walked Gary and Rod. Gary was holding a small cardboard box under one arm. It appeared to
be damp in a few places. Steam appeared to be coming from inside. As Gary crossed the tiny
room, the faces of the others in the room lit up like light bulbs. Hands were stretched
out in greeting and shaken. Rod followed close behind. The scene reminded me of a
politician stumping a crowd for votes, and this small crowd loved him for it.
Gary locked eyes with me and saw right away there was trouble with his plan. He glanced
over his shoulder at the others, I guess to see who had betrayed him. Just past him, I saw
Norm drop his head and blush.
He never skipped a beat. When he reached me, I grabbed him by the forearm and escorted
him roughly to the far side of the room where my kitchenette was, smiling and making small
talk the whole way. The kitchenette was the only place where we might be able to get just
a little privacy. I didn't want to make him look stupid in front of everyone else.
"What the fuck are you thinking Shipley? God damned skins?" I whispered,
starting in on him as soon as we were both out of earshot, which was hard in my little
sub-divided room.
He didn't say a word. Instead, he shoved the box he was carrying in to my arms. It was
much heavier than it looked. The damp spots were in fact damp spots, but the steam coming
from the box was not because the contents were hot.
"What's this?" I asked harshly. I didn't want the edge in my attitude to be
dulled by his lame peace offering.
"Open it up and see," was all he said.
I peeled back the corner of the box and inside I could see the red and white markings
of a six-pack of Stromsburg Beer. This was real beer, from a Pittsburgh microbrewery.
"Where did you get this?" I asked in wonderment. The edge in my voice, I
wanted so desperately to preserve, was now as dull as a creek stone.
"The folks have a couple of restaurants, remember? How do you think I was able to
get you those beers on your birthday?" he smiled his biggest, `you're my best buddy'
grins at me.
"But this is a whole six pack Gary, your folks are gonna' know. This shit ain't
cheep, son -- and you still live at home. I can't accept it," I told him, but made no
offer to hand it back.
"Yeah you can, besides if you work with us tonight, you will have earned it. So it
really isn't a gift."
"Work with you?" I thought for a second and then it came to me. "Duh!
It's a bribe!" I was the sixth person; I had been all along. He knew if he put me in
a position where I had to back out in front of all my friends, I was less likely to do it.
"Holy shit Gary, do you know what ..."
"Mikey, I'm hurt! I wouldn't do anything to you that would require bribing you.
That would suggest that I would knowingly put my best bud in danger." He gave me what
looked to be a genuine look of personal pain in his eyes. Ole stupid me, I fell for it!
"I'm sorry, Gary. I know you wouldn't do anything deliberately. I didn't mean
that. It's just ..."
"Great, then have one of those beers and let's get back in with the rest of the
guys."
I stood there wondering how the hell he had just done that. He had defused the entire
issue before I could even make a single objection. I didn't even know how to approach the
subject again without looking like a coward in front of everyone. Back in the other room,
Rod was explaining that the skins were at the warehouse. He hadn't taken any to bring to
us because the place had been crawling with people during the day, but, he said, he had an
unsupervised entry code that would prevent flagging at the security station. He and his
buddies programmed it to use when shipments of booze or other useful and marketable items
came into the bonded area of the warehouse.
I stood listening to Rod, sipping my beer, waiting to find a mistake or a flaw in his
plan. Hell, there were many I could have tried to exploit into a reason we should not do
this, but I needed one that no one would or could counter with a better reason why we
should do this. None presented themselves.
I offered a beer to those standing around listening. Only Norman took one, which I
thought was strange. The fact that no one else took one left me feeling a bit uneasy, as
though they had all been told not to tamper with Mikey's bribe. Only Norm was too stupid
to remember to turn it down if he was offered one.
The shipment had come in a week ago and was now sitting unattended and unknown to
others in the bonded area. An area that was supposedly protected from prying eyes and
available only to special warehouse workers and government inspectors. According to Rod,
there were hundreds of boxes with at least six skins per box.
Rod was saying that we would have to go now if we were going to do this. So, we
silently piled into his van, which was a solid-paneled job, used mostly for deliveries. It
was very utilitarian in appearance. Inside, there were discarded boxes and papers
everywhere. The five of us scooted boxes and trash around until we were able to clear a
small space of van flooring to sit on and made ourselves as comfortable as possible. Rod
cranked up the hover jets and we took off for the harbor.
So that was it. I had been tricked into going on one of Gary's adventures. Gary had
been right. I hadn't wanted to go with them that night. I was a bit put off by not being
asked to go, but, if I had been asked, I would have turned him down. So in the end, he put
me in a situation he felt I wouldn't make too much of scene over and thereby be forced to
go. As we sped along to the warehouse, all I could think of were the people that would
most want to protect these things from popular public knowledge. Skins, according to the
government, didn't exist, but neither did the ruins on Mars. The Military had landed on
Mars in 2010 and from the reports, if they are to be believed, the ruins were found two
years later. However, it wasn't until commercial tankers and civilians started landing
there that the evidence could no longer be hidden. Until then, they had been an urban
legend just like skins are now.
The government's hard line on this was due primarily to it's own involvement in the use
of these devices. As I found out later, this or any government that had this technology,
could program these things to emulate anyone, infiltrate the highest levels of any
bureaucracy and take it over from the inside out. Not only did our government want to keep
the technology with in our borders, it wanted to use it before it was used against it.
They also wanted to be the ones to defeat this technology before it got away from them, as
all significant technologies do eventually.
Nevertheless, others felt they had a stake in the skins as well. The mob had financial
designs on these things. It was rumored that a white male skin at age 18 to 25 went on the
black market for anywhere from $500,000 to $1,000,000 cash no questions asked.
Male and female skins were used for any number of reasons. I read in the months since
that some people use skins to change their race from an undesired or oppressed one to a
race that is more widely accepted. Older people had been rumored to use them as a one-time
fountain of youth. Men that wanted to be women, women that wanted to be men the, the ugly
that wanted to be beautiful, it seemed the combinations were as limitless as the
imaginations of those who wanted to use them. Then, there were the rich who used them
temporarily as elaborate costumes. Skins could be the complete and total package in
escapism. Again, however, urban legends abound surrounding this group of losers.
Here's a group of people that could have, potentially, anything they wanted and they
decide they want the flexibility to be someone else for a limited amount of time. Their
wealth and affluence spawned a certain arrogance that falsely led them to believe that all
is at the mercy of their control because of who they were and, of course, what they
possess. Yet here too there are tales of poor unfortunate souls that lost their money and
power because the skins failed and they could no longer prove their identities.
However, the tale that bothers me the most is the one about the couple that wanted to
live for one weekend as each other. They found a genetics smith to fashion two skins with
their genetic codes imbedded in the chips. When activated, they had, essentially, switched
places. At the end of the weekend fantasy, however, only one skin could be removed. The
husband's, now the wife-imposter's, skin stubbornly refused to be deactivated. To the
horror of the couple, they found that they were now, no longer husband and wife but twin
sisters, forever. They couldn't even get the genetics engineer to reproduce the husband's
skin for the true wife to use because his genetic pattern was lost the minute the skin he
wore failed.
He had controlled all the business ventures and money, and most of the assets were
mired in extensive partnerships. They lost everything. What's worse, they were both
eventually brought under suspicion of murder. Both were too afraid of the consequences of
their use of skins to admit that the husband had not died but was now trapped and living
as his own wife. Devastated by what had happened to them as a couple by the loss of
position, influence, money, you name it; the original wife is reported to have hung
herself, leaving the former husband alone, trapped in the form of the woman he once loved.
These were the thoughts that were running through my mind as we drove. I was a little more
than nervous. If the boxes really contained skins, then it was reasonable to assume they
were Government Issue. And if they were, then the Government would be watching. The closer
we got to the warehouse the more nervous I became. The beer I had drunk was making my head
buzz but not enough to dispel my fear. I remember thinking that didn't want to do this any
more. Jesus Christ, I was scared!
The hover-van stopped. Outside I could hear voices. We must be at the security gate.
There was an electronic buzzing and the sound of something metallic being moved out of the
way -- the gate I supposed -- then we were moving again. We didn't go far. The HOV stopped
again and this time, after hearing Rod and Norm crunch around on the ground, the doors of
the van were thrown wide. Harsh overhead streetlights shone in on us and one by one we
each popped our heads out to look around.
We were at the edge of the bay, on the opposite side of it from the college campus. A
huge empty dock lay just to the right of where the van was stationed. Beyond that, the
harbor curved around to the place we had just come from. The City College lights were
visible in the darkness; they rippled off the water in a cascade of ever changing
patterns. Beyond the college on the waterfront would be the dorm building; it would be
close enough to walk to. It might take a couple of hours but it was still close enough
that it could be done.
On the other side of us was the warehouse. It was an enormous thing, with two huge
hanger-like doors that met in the middle, easily large enough to accommodate a sizeable
commercial aircraft or shuttle. The building was devoid of windows; there was only strong
metal siding everywhere I looked. The building looked very secure. I was beginning to hope
that perhaps we wouldn't be able to get inside.
My hopes were dashed almost immediately as I saw Rod walk toward a small door near the
right corner of the structure. There was a small keypad by the door and Rod was punching
in numbers. When he was finished, there was a click and the door opened just slightly.
Gary was standing directly behind me. My nerves were practically singing, so when Gary
surprised me by touching me on the arm, I farted on him.
"God Damn Mikey," he exclaimed waiving his hand in front of his face,
"awwwww, shit that's nasty." Then he said, "Here, this is for you fuck
face!" and he let his fist come down on the top of my head like a hammer.
BOINK.
It didn't hurt but I was in no mood to be messed with. "Fuck you! You want to get
in there so quickly then move around from behind me and that won't happen again," I
replied defensively.
He shoved me from behind gently and in I went. The place was filled with stuff. There
were large boxes of glassware stacked up against one wall where we entered the building
and other household goods boxed up and stacked all around. Most of the stacks of boxes
were too tall to see over. As we walked, our footsteps echoed off the ceiling, walls and
boxes in the enormous building and the sound bounced haphazardly back to us.
We walked past racks of men's and women's clothes, high shelves of what appeared to be
hover craft parts, liquids, some consumable some not and all sorts of other things. We
passed an opened box of women's panties and Gary grabbed one. In the next moment, he had
stretched them over my head from behind. I ripped them off, turning around and shooting
Gary an angry glance. I could have kicked his ass and he knew I was capable of it. He held
up his hands, ginned and said. "Okay, Okay, I'll back off. Just trying to lighten the
mood Mikey ole boy, that's all." I threw the panties back at him, turned around and
kept marching.
I looked up at the ceiling at one point and noticed long chains on pulleys attached to
long tracks that ran the length of the building. They were the booms used for stacking all
this stuff so impossibly high!
We stopped and someone suddenly said, "Here, catch!" Something slapped me in
the chest and dropped into my cradled arms. It was a clear poly-bag with some black
lettering on it; " Genetic Transition Device." Below that was stamped;
"Type: Human."
Below that, the cellophane had been wrinkled but I could still make out some of what it
had said. It read: "Caution! This Devi T e Used ly B er."
My assumption was that it was meant to read "This Devise To Be Used Only By
Official Personal" or something to that nature. I couldn't make sense of what I
guessed was the serial number. The "Type: Human" was easy enough to understand
though. At least I wasn't going to end up a horse, a goat or something like that.
Nevertheless, the thought that someone had to identify if the skin was human was enough to
make a person wonder what those fucks were doing with this technology.
Rod had finished passing out the skins. "Okay gentlemen, now the fun begins. There
are offices and restrooms for each of us to change in. No pun intended." No one
laughed. "Once one of has put on a skin the rest of have to follow suite. If we
don't, this thing," Rod held up what looked like a sophisticated calculator with a
number of buttons and a small display screen. The "patch code transmitter will not
active. That means the poor slobs that have already put their skins on will have to stay
in their skins until the transmitter is turned on. Do I make myself clear?"
With that, everyone looked at me. I nodded that I got it. It meant that I now had to
talk everyone out of this or I was going to have to do this.
"That's it guys. See you back here in few minutes. Don't forget to wear your name
tags when you get back out or no one will recognize you." With that, they all started
making their way to various points in the warehouse. I stared down at the package that Rod
had just tossed to me, hating the feel of it. There was dread in my heart. All I wanted
was to just run away, but I had no real way of stopping the others -- and without me,
they'd be stuck, even if they were stuck because they did some dumb thing after I told
them I wanted out. It would still be my fault. Therefore, I shuffled off toward the back
of the warehouse.
I found an office that was not occupied by one of the others and tested the door. It
swung open easily so I went in and closed the door behind me. Opening the package, I
pulled the skin out and held it up to examine it in what little light there was coming
from the warehouse. It was a gauzy material that felt light and loose in my hands,
although I could feel small wires and hard circuitry embedded deep inside the fabric.
There were no real features save for a pair of arms, a pair of legs and a head. In
addition, there was an opening in the back; at least, it looked like the back. I wondered
briefly if I were to put this on backward would I wind up with a nose and eyes on the back
of my head?
Out in the warehouse I heard a voice I didn't recognize. It had started. If I put this
off too much longer, there would be the devil to pay so I stripped down and stepped into
the outfit. There was no zipper, but I had noticed two small, flat metal disks at the base
of the neck as I was pulling it over my head. Praying I wasn't making a mistake, I reached
back and placed the to disks together.
The reaction was harsh and immediate. The skin contracted around me as if a vacuum had
been turned on inside. It cut off all my air. I might have been all right had I thought to
take a breath before the disks clipped together, but I hadn't. I fought the skin. I tried
to grab it with my hands but it was already too tight. I could feel it getting tighter,
compacting me down. The pain was bad but nothing like what was coming.
I tried to scream for help, but when I did, it invaded my open mouth. Something was
terribly wrong; I must have gotten a defective skin. Next, it was stretching down into my
throat. That didn't hurt as much as it scared me to death. I was going to choke to death
before it squashed me into a small ball of flesh.
However, that was still not the worst. There had been a tightness growing in my waist
and crotch. Now it felt as though I was being ripped in half. Something was invading me
where there was no substantial hole in my body. Still, I could not scream, I could not
see. The gauzy, milky white material of the skin clouded my vision. I was blind; my wind
was gone. I could feel myself passing out.
As I went down, my vision started to clear; I wouldn't die blind after all. I remember
hitting the ground hard, my head bouncing slightly off the floor. As I passed out, I could
smell old spilled coffee on the indoor/outdoor carpet by my head. I could see in the
semi-darkness the patterns the coffee had made in the carpet when it landed there. Before
me was a puddle of beautiful brown hair that spilled out in front of my face. My last
thoughts were "Where the hell did all the pretty hair come from?"
I don't think I was out long, but it was the idea that I had passed out at all that got
my eyes open and my brain working again. As though a magical hand had propped me up, I sat
bolt upright. The pain in my head and body was exquisite; it made the world swim before my
eyes and I had to close them to keep from passing out again. Leaning back against a desk
that I had fallen next to, I remember thinking may have even hit with my head on the way
down. I stayed there until the fainting spell passed.
There was something flowing over my shoulders. I reached over with one of my hands and
grabbed what ever it was and examined it. When I did, my arm brushed something fleshy on
my chest. I didn't even pretend not to know what it was. I paused, and then reached to
touch the fleshy mound on my chest again without looking at it. It reacted to my touch,
becoming just slightly tighter. I could feel the sensation of touch from both points, from
the touch of my fingers and from the breast when my hand touched it.
I looked down. Yep, I'd been right, two perfectly shaped breasts with large nipples
hanging from my chest. "Oh hell!" The voice was different, higher, lighter and
softer. I reached up and clutched at my throat. "Testing one, two, three ..."
"Uh oh!" I whispered.
I didn't need further exploration to understand that the skin I'd gotten was female.
The package, it was next to me on the floor. It snatched it up and looked again at the
lettering. Yep, it said XX all right, female chromosome pattern. I should have seen that
for what it was, damn it. The rest of the sequence of the serial number came into focus
CFA18 meant of course, Caucasian Female - Age 18. I still couldn't make out the warning.
I reached down just to check to see if by some miracle I had been spared my penis. Both
penis and scrotum were gone; they had been replaced by a smaller patch pubic hair and the
soft folds of female genitalia.
Out in the warehouse I could hear voices, different from the ones that I had come here
with. I tried to count the number of distinct voices and quickly came up with five. They
were all male voices, which meant I alone had drawn a female skin. Okay, I thought, all
bets were off; I didn't come down here to become a girl. All the skins had been put on so
that transmitter thing could be activated. I should be able to take this thing off now, so
I'm off the hook. I smiled at the thought. In fact, I couldn't have been happier. Since
I'd been dead set against this to begin with, the idea that all this was over so quickly
was really making my night -- and no one could blame me for ruining it for everyone else.
I reached behind me to undo the buttons that had activated it. Then, I paused for just
a moment, wondering if it was going to hurt like it did when it activated, but I figured
it was worth it to get out of this mess. My hands worked the back of the suit looking for
a lump, a crease or an opening somewhere. They found nothing except smooth, continuous
skin. "Skins are imperceptible, even to surgery," a small voice reminded me. It
had to be there. How the hell else was I supposed to get it off? If it was gone then that
meant....
I shook the thought away before it had a chance to reach its logical conclusion and
panic could set in. Still, I was getting concerned so I stood up and searched again. For
the first time feeling the strangeness of moving in this body, the sensation of things
missing and new things where there shouldn't have been any. All that hair kept getting in
my way so I grabbed it and tossed it over one shoulder. Then, I ran both hands flat over
the back of my neck again. "Jesus, where is it?" I whispered as I continued to
explore the back of my new body. My hand to slide further away from the base of the neck
looking for and opening, a way out, but it was one continuous piece of skin.
The skin was smooth and soft -- and quite warm. With that, my heart started to pump
harder. I had to get this thing off; I couldn't let anyone see me like this. Panicked, my
hands raced faster over the back of my body, searching franticly for a release somewhere
else on my body -- my body? I searched my scalp, my face the front of my body between my
tits, down over my torso and around my ass -- nothing. The urge to cry grew as I searched
the room trying to get an idea. Briefly, I thought about breaking the window to the office
and using the shards to cut the thing off me, but I knew that wouldn't work. I had to get
this thing off the way I had gotten it on or it wouldn't come off at all.
My lips started to tremble with panic. I was close to the edge of sheer hysteria. Then
I saw my reflection in the glass of the window, because the lights were down, it made and
excellent mirror. "Oh my God!" I heard myself whisper. "Look at me,"
whispered as I walked closer to the glass to get a better look. I was considerably
shorter, with just longer than shoulder length chestnut brown hair flowing from the top of
my head like a brown silk fountain. I reached up to touch it and watched as the beautiful
young girl in the window did the same. When I touched my hair, she touched hers. The
breasts of the girl in the window were not huge but not small either, with large brown
nipples. It was dark but they appeared to be perfectly shaped. I reminded myself that they
would be. They were designed to be. Her waist was narrow and hips broad but not fat.
It was perhaps the most surreal moment of my life. I could feel myself walking toward
the window, drawn by the image I saw there. I could feel my legs work to move me across
the room. At the same time I could see the stranger in the reflection of the glass make
the same movements in reverse. As I, or what my consciousness I perceived to be
"I," approached the glass, I lifted my hand to touch it. The girl on the other
side followed my movements perfectly. When I said "Oh nooooo!" her lips synced
my words as if she had practiced her line for hours. Worse was that although she
lip-synced the words, it was her voice that I heard. I could not reproduce what I knew as
my voice.
"Okay, don't flip out man," I consoled myself in that other person's voice.
"It will be alright. Just take it off. That's all you have to do."
That snapped me out of my daze and I ducked out of sight. Once again, I started looking
for an opening to the suit. I remember I could hear myself whimpering, "Come on! Come
on! Come on!" as I tugged on the hair -- hard. "Ouch!" it was real. I
spread the tits on my chest apart hard looking for an opening. "Ow, shit!" Those
were real too apparently.
"Miiikeeeey, come out, come out, where ever you are." I didn't recognize the
voice so I didn't know who was calling me. I couldn't figure out how to get it off. I was
stuck! I was going to have to get help. Gathering my clothes, I stretched my tee shirt on
over my chest. It no longer fit. The breasts lifted the bottom of my cut-off T-shirt and
pushed it away from my belly like tent poles. I was used to feeling the shirt against my
skin, but now, below the breasts, it made no contact with my skin at all.
Next, I stepped into my briefs. That was a joke, too tight in the hips, nothing but
slack fabric in the front where my genitals would have been and loose at the waist. I
didn't have a choice though; I put my jeans on. They hung off my body like my underwear
had. These pants clearly weren't cut for this kind of body. The legs of the jeans seemed
to stretch for miles, my feet hidden somewhere inside.
After rolling up the legs of my pants as best I could, I grabbed my shoes, slipped them
on and made for the door. When I did, I immediately stepped out of them. My feet were too
small to hope to wear them. In frustration, I gathered them up with my socks and stuffed
them under my arm.
Opening the door, I stuck my head out.
Someone was calling me, "Hey Mike come on out man. Fuck, what an absolute
pussy." I could feel my lips thin out as I pressed them together in anger. That had
to be Rod. He had done this to me. Now all I wanted was to kick his ass -- but after he
got me out of this body. A girl had to prioritize.
"Hey, fuck you Rod! I'll kick you're ass!" I shouted out in a distinctly
feminine voice. The sound of my voice echoed off the walls of the warehouse for what
seemed like forever. I knew I'd just fucked up!
"Who the hell was that?" I heard someone ask.
"Alright, we've got BABE-AGE!" someone shouted.
"Come on out and let's have a look-see, babe," yelled another unfamiliar
voice. I was getting scared. This must be what a cat feels like in kennel full of dogs.
"YEESSS!" I heard someone else cheer.
Then I heard what turned out to be Gary. "Shut up! That you Mike? What's happened?
You sound, ah ... different."
"Ha! You don't know the half of it," I called back. God that voice was sexy,
I hated it!
"I said to shut the fuck up Rodney, right now! That she is Mike and you'd better
remember he's my best friend, asshole!" Gary sounded a little too annoyed to me.
"Fuck off man, I'm just having a little fun! And don't call me Rodney. You know I
hate that," and then, "Come on out Mikey. We'll stop. Just come on out so we can
get the fuck outta here!"
"A-fuckin'-men to that," I sighed and winced. That voice. I just wasn't going
to get used to hearing that voice come out of my head.
I came out from around a stack of boxes that blocked the view of the office I had
changed in. As I entered, my circle of friend's faces, that I could not have ever
recognized, met me. We were all Caucasian by birth and I still was, but here stood two
black men in their early twenties, one oriental man, perhaps in his early teens, and a
really handsome Native American that stood nearly six and a half feet tall. He was perhaps
twenty or twenty-one. There was one more Caucasian man in the corner sipping some clear
liquid from a glass bottle.
I was blushing; I could feel it. I can't say why, except it was a little embarrassing
listing to all those compliments, but I have to be honest, a little part of me deep down
inside really enjoyed it.
"Yeah, you must be Michelle." That got a giggle out of everyone but the
Indian and me. I deduced that the Indian must be Gary. I walked over to him and looked up
at his face. He looked back down and smiled.
I hadn't realized how much my change had affected my height, but it was clear that I
was now the shortest one of the lot. Before, I had been the second tallest in our group,
Frank had been taller than me by about an inch, but this guy was tall. It hurt my neck to
look up at him.
Looking down at me the large Native American asked, "Waaassss Up?" in a very
deep voice.
That was my pal. I really can't express it in words, but it was good to see a friendly
face, even if I didn't recognize it as my friend's face. It gave me just the sort of
comfort I was desperately in need of right at that moment. "It looks like you
are."
This time everybody laughed. The tension was broken for the time being.
Gary said, "You look great, Mike! That body suits you. You really look
gorgeous!"
"Yeah well, don't get used to it. This," I gestured at myself with my hands,
"isn't what I signed on for." I looked inquisitively at the other faces and
asked "Rod?"
All the faces were staring at me slack jawed, but none were responding. That irritated
me. "Hello, Rod? One of you is Rod, right?"
Each one was undressing me with his eyes. If the shoe had been on the other foot I
would have been doing it too, but I have to say, it felt really awkward to think that the
people that you thought were your friends were now trying to imagine what you looked like
naked. I wondered briefly if real females felt this way around their male friends.
The oriental youth broke his trance and spoke up. "Uh yeah! That's me Michel --
ah, Mike -- sorry."
"Yeah Okay, how do I get this off?" I bent my head down and started searching
the back of my neck again. "I tried getting it off back there in the office after I
realized there had been a mistake, but I couldn't seen to find the catch to this thing.
You said that if the transmitter was activated I could remove it, so there must a trick to
it." I lifted my eyes to watch their faces and didn't like what I was seeing. They
all started looking at the ground and shuffling their feet. "Aw God, this isn't
happening," I groaned. "You do know how to remove these things don't you? I
really need to get out of this costume. I can't leave here like this."
"Uh, Yeah, I can it off you, don't worry about that Mikey. Just not ... not right
now."
I felt my heart skip a beat. I took a deep breath, forced myself to calm down and
asked, "When?"
"Mmm .... Uh ... uh ..." he stuttered.
"Uuuuhhhhh ... WHEN!"
Gary walked up to me and put an arm around my shoulder to try to calm me down. It was
no different than the thousands of times he had done it before, but it repulsed me for
some reason and I quickly shrugged it off.
Gary held up a long black box that looked a lot like an old time TV remote. You know
the ones, like you see in antique shops. It had what looked like a digital timer on it and
it was running backward. The time was 47:33:22. I could feel my stomach turn into a small
hard stone.
"There's a forty-eight hour reset time lockout." It was Gary.
"Well, it means that no way, no how can we get these things to disengage for the
next two days," said Gary.
"WHAT! No fucking way I'm staying like this for the next two days. Fuck this, fuck
that and most importantly, fuck YOU!" I was fuming. "No jokes, Okay. I'm
serious!"
"Look. I can understand that you're upset," Gary said, trying to get me to
calm down.
"UPSET!" I turned on him screaming. "I didn't want to do this in the
first place, but if you whine and moan long enough or make a good enough excuse, ole Mike
will cave in -- so I come along. I was almost killed by that fucking thing I put on back
there," I screamed, pointing back at the bank of offices I had just come from.
"I black out and when I come to I've just had a fucking sex change operation! Then
you tell me, `Oh well, sorry Mikey, you'd better get used to it cause you're stuck for the
next two days. You want to trade places with me? Lets see just how fucking upset you get.
I have to say it again, 'Fuck you!' Find a way to get this off of me NOW!"
"Mike!" Gary shouted. It was enough to shock me back into some semblance of
sanity. Gary continued in a slightly softer tone of voice, "We can't! Get it under
control before someone hears you shouting. You never had to come along. Yes, I bribed you.
I did it to sweeten the pot a bit. We needed you to come along. It wouldn't have worked
with just five. Shit Mikey, I wanted you come with us, just once. I thought it'd it be fun
too. I was wrong. I'm sorry about all that -- especially now -- but you never had to
accept. You could have always just ducked out."
All I could do was blink at him blank faced. I was stuck! I remember thinking that it
couldn't get any worse that this. I was going to spend the next two days of my life as a
female. I was stuck! Somewhere off in the distance Gary was still talking but I couldn't
make out what he was saying. I was stuck! I kept playing that phrase over and over in my
head. The sounds in the room seemed to get smaller and smaller like I was hearing them at
the end of a deep tunnel. After a few seconds, I fainted.
I didn't hit the floor this time. Someone caught me and eased me down to the floor. I
don't know who it was. When I came to, everyone was standing around me looking down at me.
Except Rod, who was standing at my feet, bent over slightly with his head cocked sideways.
For a minute, I didn't know what he was doing.
"What the hell are looking at?" I asked. I had surprised him; he hadn't seen
I'd come around, as his attention was someplace else. His head popped up and he started to
blush.
"Were you trying to look me up? You were trying to look at my tits while I was out
cold, weren't you? You're a real shit, you know that Rodney. A Class-A cow turd." It
felt strange to have a guy, looking at you with sexual intent. That made feel sick and,
dare I say it, violated! That made me mad all over again. I reached down and tried to pull
my shirt down further. I was becoming very self-conscious around these guys. Suddenly, I
didn't trust them any more. "That's real nice language for a lady to use," he
retorted.
He could see that he'd punched one of my buttons. "You'd better check again little
girl! The world just became a very different place for you and you'd do well to remember
that."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I asked him harshly. "You
gonna try to rape me? Maybe try to beat me up big man?
That last one just popped out. I was sorry the minute I said it but it was too late to
pull it back and I knew I was going to have to backup anything I said from this point
forward. I was still playing the man's game and I couldn't back down now or I'd pay an
even greater price, yet my mouth still kept writing checks my body couldn't cash.
"I'll kick your ass any day you decide you want a piece of me. Even like this, I'm
more of a man than you'll ever be and you'd do well to remember that, dick head!" I
screamed at him.
Before anyone could react, he was on me. His new body was very nimble. He had a hold of
my hair and was spinning around me to get a better purchase on me. I pushed with all my
might to gain some advantage, but he was too big and strong. I began to feel sick. He was
really going to hurt me and I couldn't do anything to stop him. He was rearing back to
rearrange my new face when Gary, Frank and Kit grabbed him from behind and hoisted both
him and I up until his purchase on me was broken and he was off me.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Gary shouted at him. I guess Gary
couldn't resist the temptation to punch him just once in stomach. That was all it took to
remove the wind from his sails and Rod was quite again. "You do that often Rodney,
beat up girls?" Gary slammed him down on a stack boxes and put his face nose to nose
with Rod's. "You just sit there and behave. We aren't going to start fighting among
ourselves."
Rod said nothing.
"You guys watch him, keep him calm," Gary instructed Frank and Kit. "He
may be strung out from the effects of being changed. We really don't know how much these
damn things have really changed us."
Rod seemed to be okay now. I, on the other hand was shaking badly. That whole scene had
been bad for me. I had been quickly over powered by short little guy maybe eighteen years
old and I suspected that if Rod had unloaded on me, my injuries would have been much worse
than they would have been in my male persona. I began to understand that in this body the
skin was more delicate, the bones somewhat more fragile. I had heard that women can handle
pain better than most men though. I had also heard that it was a byproduct of hundreds of
thousands of years of child bearing, and quite possibly a byproduct of being beaten up by
hundreds of thousands of men over the centuries.
Buddy! Man, I had needed to hear that. I had two impulses at that moment. My first
impulse was to hug him. My second was, Yuck! Why the hell would I want to hug him?
"Yeah, I think so. I just can't stop shaking." I held out one
tremor-convulsed hand to show him. Looking up at his concerned face, I asked him directly,
"Gary, what the hell and I supposed to do now?"
Gary flashed an angry look at Rod and Rod shut is pie hole. Gary then put his arm
around my shoulders again and this time I let it stay there. It seemed to help the shakes.
Well it was out there now. The smallest of them could get an advantage over me very
quickly. I would have to watch my step. I didn't know how much else had been changed by
these suits. I wasn't sure I wanted to find out. Rod was right, for me the world had
indeed become a very different place. The thought scared me deeply.
CHAPTER THREE:
Sleeping Arrangements |
Now that I was back in my own room, I began to feel a bit more like my old self.
The pain from cushioning my fall against the brick wall with my tits was wearing off and I
was able to breathe freely.
Of course, the sun was preparing to make an appearance, but both windows faced north
and would not allow direct sunlight into the room. I had been able to sleep many
afternoons straight through because of this feature. It had also caused me great distress
on several occasions to discover I had slept through a test, but this morning I welcomed
it.
Gary was staking out a place on the floor. The buzz I had gotten from the Vodka Kit had
given me had been driven out of me by the impact against the wall, but it must have helped
with the pain. Now, the alcohol was pushing its way out of my body. At least this time I
had access to a toilet. It was the first real convenience that had been offered this body
since this whole nightmare started. "I'll be right back Gary," I called as I got
out of bed and started for the bathroom. As I did, I caught just a glimpse of my new self
in the mirror at the end of the room. I stopped to look, ignoring the mounting pressure in
my bladder.
"Wow!" I remembered thinking she really is gorgeous. Now, I was speaking from
a man's perspective. That is all I knew and it seemed appropriate at the time. I
understand now that I was being very superficial, but that's what first attracts a man to
a woman.
My hair was not brown, as I had first thought, but dark auburn. It reflected light as
though it was made of glass. My skin appeared to be lightly tanned. I could see more of
myself here in the light than I had been able to in the dark of the warehouse. My hips
were wide and my rear end was full, very full and round, but nicely shaped. My tummy was
flat and tight. My breasts were a little bigger than they appeared from above. I was a
fucking knock out.
I felt a pang of sadness. This was the girl of my dreams. Hell, she was the girl of
every man's dreams. The people who designed her genetic makeup obviously knew that. Who
knew what this skin had been intended for? Someone whose looks hadn't quite afforded
the kind of opportunities others had perhaps? That would have been worth anything to
someone like that. Now a technology had come around to give back to her what nature had
cheated her out of and I had stolen that person's chance at a normal life. I looked away
from the mirror, Michelle was going to die before she even got a chance to live and I was
the one destined to kill her. The idea made me sick. I suddenly just wanted this to be
over, but for a very different reason.
Sighing, I went into the bathroom to relieve myself. Once the toilet was out of the
wall I lifted the front of my skirt and began searching for my penis. When my hand
encountered only the flat tummy of a female I remembered, with a painful twinge, what I
had to do. Sliding my panties down, I turned and sat.
Back out in my room, Gary was asleep on the floor. That surprised me. Frankly, I didn't
think either of us would be able to sleep and I was looking forward to talking for just a
little while, so I reached down and nudged him to see just how asleep he really was.
"Gary?" Poke. Poke.
I whispered again, "Gary, you asleep?"
Nothing. With a sigh I began undressing, keeping on my underwear and laying my skirt
and sweater on top of my dresser. I felt uncomfortable in my undergarments. Having Gary in
my room didn't help even asleep as he was. I felt exposed, so I went to closet, which was
not much more that indentation in the wall, and retrieved a robe.
It felt good to be completely covered. The robe was warm and soft with age. I yawned
deeply (an encouraging sign) as I made my way over to my small single bed. I wasn't sure
sleep would come, but I was going to try. I reasoned that the more I slept while trapped
in this body, the less time I would have to spend getting used to it. The closer I could
get to Sunday night without having to actually be her.
Lying down on my bed, my robe still tied securely around my waist, I tried several
positions before finding that sleeping on my side was probably going to work best for me.
With the sudden addition of breasts came the unexpected problem of finding a way to lie
down without being overly sensitive to their presence. I simply didn't have the luxury of
getting used to them as they grew; mine were just suddenly there. Not to mention, I had
squashed them at high speed against a brick wall not an hour earlier and they were still
tender.
I could see it was getting light outside; the new day had begun. With it, six new
people had taken their place in the world; one most unwillingly, but like it or not, she
was here and that was just the way it was.
Looking down, I saw that Gary was sleeping uncovered except for his clothes. He was
using a pillow from my armchair to rest his head on. I reached to the foot of my bed for a
blanket that was folded up there and draped it over him.
Getting back in bed, I pulled my own blankets up to my chin and tried to relax. I
couldn't help taking one brief exploration of my new body, tracing an open hand over my
chest, following the contours of my breasts that lay under the fabric of my bra. I moved
my hand slowly down my stomach to my hips and then down the side of one tapered leg. It
was amazing how smooth and soft my skin had become. Finally, I brought my hand back up the
front of my leg and across my pubic area, over the silky smoothness of my panties.
There was nothing sexual about this exploration. In fact, it had the opposite effect on
me. I was not happy about my helpless position and the fact that the genitalia that I had
grown up with were gone scared me. What was worse was the realization that I had been
replaced. Not just parts of me but ME. A female form had consumed me and I was now being
forced to continue my life as her. You can't spend twenty years growing used to and
becoming comfortable with one body and one way of thinking, only to find that you are what
you have had sexual desires for, and just come to grips with that fact. I liked being a
guy very much, I hadn't understood just how much until that night, and I wanted all
that back. I enjoyed being the proud home of a Y chromosome.
Sleep came for me while I was feeling sorry for myself. I don't know how long I slept
before my next waking memory, but while sleep enveloped me, I dreamt.
-*-
I was back home, in my parent's home, and there was music coming from one of the
bedrooms. I knew the song. It was one of the ones we had recorded just two weeks ago, but
in an arrangement that I thought I recognized from a long time ago.
I made my way down the hall in the hazy, foggy way of most dreams. There was sheet
music on the walls where the pictures of my family had once been. The hall itself seemed
much longer and the ceiling stretched out of site at the end. Clouds drifted across the
hall from the open door on its egress.
The music was growing louder and it was coming from what had once been Erin's bedroom.
Standing in front of her door and listening, I could hear Erin's strained voice coming
from behind the door.
My heart raced. Could she actually be in there? I was full of anticipation. I reached
down to turn the doorknob and open the door, wondering briefly if I should knock first
when the door dissolved at my touch.
Inside was Erin's room as I remembered it before her death, except there was no floor.
The furniture seemed to float, stable and motionless in the air. On the bed, bent over her
guitar was Erin, working out some new cord combination. "Hey, baby brother, come on
in, and let's jam some," she said without looking up. She continued to work the
strings of her guitar as I approached.
"Erin? Is that you?"
She looked up puzzled. "Who did you expect to find in my room, Mikey?"
I broke into a run. As I blundered toward her, she set down her guitar and stood to
receive me. We fell into each other's arms and hugged tightly for what seemed to be hours.
I remember I cried hard but couldn't speak. Each time I thought of letting go I would
squeeze her tighter.
Finally, we broke our embrace and I stood before her sobbing, happy to be in her
presence once again; not questioning why, but just grateful that I was being given this
chance. I wondered briefly if I had somehow died in my sleep but could not remember
anything from my life after Erin's death. I felt that something was there, something I
needed to remember desperately; but it was gone. How important could it have been? I had
my sister back!
"How have you been Mikey?" she asked.
"I missed you," was all I could come up with.
"I know. I missed you too. Listen, I don't have much time."
"What? You're not leaving me again, are you?" She didn't answer, just plodded
on with what she wanted to say.
"Gary is in deep trouble Mike. It's your job to help him." She looked very
concerned, which I thought was very funny. Erin had never liked Gary.
"You mean the Twerp, don't you?"
She didn't respond to my words. "I have something for you. You have to take it and
use it to the best of your abilities; if you don't Gary will not survive the year."
"What the hell are you talking about?" but she wasn't listening. She walked
to her closet and pulled out some clothes. When she turned around, she was holding an
outfit that she had worn all the time. It was a short dress with a flower pattern. It had
a tight waist cincher attached to and a false bow in the back.
"It's my favorite. It always made me feel very feminine. I want you to take it. It
might help you over the hump." She was holding it out for me to take. Suddenly I
didn't want to be there anymore.
"Erin, what do you think I can do with that?"
"Put it on," she answered.
"You're crazy, Erin. Those are your clothes. I'm a guy. I can't wear that."
"Put it on, Mike," she said again and this time walked toward me, the outfit
still in her outstretched hands.
"Erin, get away from me," I demanded. I was getting scared and I turned to
lunge through the door that I had come in through -- and smashed head first into it. It
has somehow rematerialized while I had my back to it. There was pain in this dream, and
blood. I could feel it dribbling down my forehead and I remembered . Do people bleed in
dreams?
I turned to see how much closer Erin had gotten. When I did, I heard her shout
"Catch!" and I held out my hand instinctively to do just that. She tossed the
dress at me, but it enveloped me. Before I could do anything about it, I was wearing her
dress.
Screaming, I grabbed the front of the dress and tried to rip it off, but it stubbornly
stayed intact. "What the hell? Erin, get this thing off me." It was then I
noticed that the bust line had filled in rather nicely. "Oh God! What's happened to
me?"
I continued to struggle with the outfit while Erin said nothing. She just stood there
looking somewhat saddened by the whole thing.
Remembering that this dress had a zipper in the back, my hands went to undo it, but the
zipper was gone. Then, I reached down and grabbed the hem of the dress. I was intent on
pulling over my head the way one might a shirt but there was a panty attached to the waist
of the dress. It was all one piece with no opening. I couldn't get it off.
"Why Erin? Why did you do this to me?" I asked, and as I did, I looked in the
mirror that was attached to her closet door. She had left it open after retrieving the
dress from hell, so I could now see my reflection. At least I thought it was mine. There
was Erin in the mirror and there was the reflection of a cute eighteen to twenty-year old
girl wearing Erin's dress. I thought I should know who she was but couldn't quite place
the face. My voice was just as it had been when I arrived in this hellish place. When I
spoke, I could see the lips of the girl in mirror move in perfect unison, but the voice I
heard was my own, masculine voice.
"Is that me?" I asked. I was scared and shaking.
"You have to help Gary, baby sister. There is no other way. If you shed this
mantel I have given you, you will not be able to help him."
"I'm not your baby sister," I shouted at her. "You get this damned dress
off of me, now!"
"I can't do that. It's yours now. Only you can make that choice."
"How then? Tell me how because it won't come off." I started struggling with
the dress again.
"You'll know how when the time comes, but I think it would be a mistake to do so.
Until then let this present to you be a comfort."
"NOOOOO!" I shouted. With that, I found myself outside Erin's room. I was
still stuck in her clothes and I assume in that body I had seen in the mirror because my
bust still filled in the cups of the dress quite nicely. I pounded on the door and
screamed to be let back in; for her to take this dress off me, but the only response I got
was the strains of her guitar. As I screamed, I could hear my voice change to one that was
clearly feminine. This sent fresh waives of terror washing over me and I got the idea that
soon I would just pass out from fright -- but it didn't happen, though I believe it would
have been a blessing at that point.
When it became clear that Erin was not going to let me back in I stood back from the
door and ran my hands over the dress I was trapped in. I noticed that my bust was not the
only thing that had changed. My penis was gone. I could feel the flat tummy of woman
beneath dress and attached panty of the outfit. How the hell was this supposed to help
Gary?
As I asked myself that question, the scene around me began to break up and I was left
alone, dressed in Erin's clothes, in a dark void. The only sound was Erin's distant guitar
echoing through the darkness.
By the time I awoke, the dream was already fragmenting and becoming incoherent, as
dreams often do upon waking. It wasn't until the last time I dreamed of her that I
remembered the others completely.
I was vaguely aware at some point that two people were speaking behind me. The episode
of the previous few hours was temporarily forgotten. For now, I was Mike Vello again, if
only in my own sleepy recollection. One voice was very familiar, Sandy from the Dark Spot,
a club where the band sometimes played.
"I didn't think women were allowed in the building." Who had said that, I
wondered?
"The security guard knows me. Mike and I sometimes date," she was saying and
I remembered thinking "Date?" What I remembered was more of a sparring match.
I had seen Sandy for a couple of months but found she was way too committed to
commitment. She had started talking about traveling together and spending the holidays
with her folks at their place in Vermont. "It would be like a real family Christmas,
don't you think?" I got scared and pulled the plug on the patient. Our relationship
died a peaceful death in its sleep, but she still came around check up on me when she
didn't have any thing else to do. Gary called her the Klingon.
That other voice, the one I couldn't quite place, was saying I was sick, the flu or
something. He also told her that he was a friend. He'd come over to help get me well.
I thought to myself, there's nothing wrong with me, but that didn't seem quite right
either, did it? I was sore in my chest and I had a headache too. Maybe the voice was
right. I sure was tired.
"No, no, you can't come in right now, he's resting, see?" said the voice.
"But I want to see if he's ok. I'll just look and then go," Sandy was saying,
but the other voice was insistent.
"Look, you'll get it yourself, I'm already coming down with it too. And I just got
here last night." Then, seemingly to prove his point, he sneezed! "AHHHHH ...
CHOOOOO!"
"Eeeewwwweeuuuu!" Sandy squealed. "That's just gross! No. Don't touch
me. I'll clean it myself. You're just nasty. You know that?"
"I'm ... I'm sorry. Oh, don't do that. Well see, now that's clearly gonna leave a
stain. You shouldn't rub it in like that.
"Ohhh! Yuck! Look, just have Mike call me when he's feeling better. My name is
Sandy and he's got my vid number. I said DON'T TOUCH ME!" Then, footsteps stomped off
down the hall.
"I'm sorry," I heard the voice shout down the hall. "I'm sure a dry
cleaner's will be able to get that stain out!"
I heard the door close and lock. "Why lock the door?" I thought, but I was
too tired to ask the question aloud. Sleep came for me again with the absence of any
further noise.
When I woke up the second time, I came to slowly, lying with my eyes half open, looking
into my small room. I saw a pair of legs walking back and forth from my efficiency kitchen
to my cupboard. I could hear the sound of glasses and plates clinking. I could smell food
cooking. It smelled wonderful and made my stomach growl.
I reached down to scratch my testicles. Well, that's funny! I thought. That kinda feels
like ... "HOLY SHIT!" I screamed, threw the covers off and ripped off my robe. I
was wearing girl's underwear -- and I could see why too. It fit me in ways they shouldn't
be fitting. I grabbed again, where my penis should have been. Gone! I looked down and
pulled the underwear away from my skin. It was tricky to see around the breasts but it was
GONE!
"TITS! DEAR SWEET CHRIST, I'M WEARING A PAIR OF FUCKING TITS!" I was nearly
out of control, preparing to run out into the hall of the dorm. It was the only thing I
could think to do; I had to get help. Suddenly, there were hands on my shoulders, trying
to spin me around.
"Ahhhhggggg!" There was a stranger in my room. "Don't hurt me, please.
What did you do to me? Please, make it go awaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy," I pleaded with the
stranger.
"MIKE!"
"How did you?..." I blinked in a mind-clearing moment of recognition. Oh
yeah. Then I remembered, "Gary?"
"Yeah! Shit man, you scared the piss out of me. I thought you'd flipped out."
Last night began to filter back. I told you, you just don't get used to something like
this all at once. My heart was still thudding hard in my chest and the adrenaline that had
been dumped into my system had brought me to my full senses.
"Wow, that was bad. I just don't think I'm gonna get used to this, guy." I
was better, but I had been badly shaken. It was like having your nightmare follow you up
and out of sleep. I was trembling badly.
"Food will help, it always helps me! I've made breakfast, well sort of. There
wasn't much here to work with. Still, I managed to put together a respectable spread. Hope
you're hungry."
As the confusion of the moment cleared, I discovered that I was hungry. In fact, I
couldn't remember when I had last eaten. I started to follow Gary in to the kitchen when I
became aware that I was traipsing around in just a bra and panties. I had somehow lost my
robe in the panic.
I went back for my robe and returned; still threading my arms through the armholes,
then tied the belt in place. The robe was huge on me; the hem trailed just trailed the
ground, where before it had come down to only mid calf on me.
"I was kind of hoping you leave that off for breakfast." He sounded a little
disappointed. "I thought the view from up here was just great."
"Ha! Ha! Ogling your best friend in her underwear isn't very friendly or
nice." Gary and I both noticed it at the same time. I had referred to myself as her.
Thinking back, I aguely remembered that happening last night once or twice also.
Gary dismissed it or at least he seemed to. "Oh well, I guess I can get over it in
the interest of strengthening the bonds between men and women everywhere. You seem to have
slept well."
"I guess. It seems there was something but ... I can't remember. You'd think that
I would have been a prime candidate for at least one juicy nightmare, yet I must have
slept like a babe ... ah ... er ... a baby, slept like a baby."
"Good," he said, but it seemed he had something else to add.
"Well, you're not finished are you? Spit it out."
"I think we may have trouble." His words made me feel a little sick to my
stomach. I was wearing trouble and I struggled with the idea that things could possibly be
getting worse, unless he had discovered that this was somehow permanent. That's all I
could think Gary's news could have been.
"Oh God, Rod broke the patch code transmitter," I could feel tears welling up
in my eyes. "He's done something because he's pissed about last night."
"No, that's not it, relax. The Klingon stopped by. She wanted to see you."
"Sandy?"
"Yeah, didn't you hear us?"
"Yeah, I guess I did, but just for a moment. Guess it's a good thing I didn't get
up or something with her at the door. That could have been a little hard to explain,
Huh?"
"I didn't think we would come so close to getting caught so soon, but we're
running into all kinds of trouble along the way. I think I should leave, Mike!"
Now that scared me. "Leave? Why the hell do you want to leave? I can't do this
alone, Gary. Hell, I can't go anywhere. If I do, I won't be able to get back into the
building. I don't want to be alone like this. Please ... don't leave."
"I don't know...."
I began to get the impression he wanted me to beg. "Please Gary. I'm begging you.
Why? Just -- just tell me that." Ok, I wasn't above a little begging now and then.
"I don't think it's a good idea that any of us be seen together. I don't know why
just yet, but I get a sense that it would be better if all of us stayed away from each
other until tomorrow night."
"Shit," I muttered under my breath. "Oh God, not alone. Don't make me do
this alone." I thought my idea about the transmitter had been terrifying, but now I
thought I was just going to puke at this juicy morsel.
"Aw, come on Mike don't cry. Christ, I hate it when you cry."
"Good!" I flashed angrily at him. "I'll stop if you'll say you won't make
me do this alone. This isn't fair, Gary. You've got me at a time when I'm all screwed up
in the head. I can't think about anything else except 8:30 tomorrow and then you spring
this shit on me."
"Maaaannnn," Gary moaned and rubbed his face with his hand. "This is not
good. I shouldn't be here. People that know you will keep coming to the door. Eventually,
they'll figure out that Mike isn't here and then I'm busted." I couldn't believe what
I was hearing. He was talking about saving his ass and leaving mine out to dry.
"So I'm supposed to wait it out while people knock on my door? Gary, I'm not
supposed to be in this building-not like this! I hate to state the obvious but this is a
male dorm. I don't exactly meet that criterion any more. Are you suggesting that I ignore
the door and vid and pretend that no one's at home. What happens if I'm walking in front
of the vid when it goes off? It will sense the motion and turn on. What if the police
decide they need to find out why I'm missing? Then I'm busted. If the police take me in,
how will I get out of this mess?"
"That's gonna happen whether I'm here or not. You're going to have to come up with
a better argument than that Mikey." I gaped at him slack-jawed. Something BETTER? I
couldn't figure out what or why he was doing this to me. Was fear his primary
motivator? If it was, I felt certain I could teach him a thing about fear and abject
terror. I was becoming desperate. I couldn't seem to think straight, then Gary interrupted
my futile attempts to "come up with something better."
"Mike, thoughts have been going through my head. Watching you sleep while I was
cooking, well -- I just don't like what I'm feeling man."
"Thoughts?" I sniffled. "Like what kind of thoughts?" I wasn't
quite sure what he was getting on about.
"You're going to make me say it out loud?" Gary asked as if I already knew
what the point he was trying to get to was.
"Well what can I do if you don't tell me?" I stopped dead with my mouth
propped open. "Oh no," I whispered.
"Oh Yeah," he answered.
"Oh NO!" I shouted back, "You just have to get those thoughts out of
your head. Right now. Besides that's ... that's GROSS!"
"I know. I know it is. That's what I've been telling myself. But you're so
beautiful."
"Don't say that." I was really surprised by that. I started shaking.
"But you are."
"No, I'm not."
"You are!"
"No, God damn it, I'm not!" I shouted and slammed my open hand down on the
table. "Now you just stop that."
He just stared at me with that "yeah, right" expression and I could clearly
see Gary through that Indian face for the first time since we had all put these damn
things on.
"Ok, none of that matters. You can't just run out on me. I need you."
"Listen to yourself, and if you don't mind would you please let go of my hand,
Mike?"
I looked down at the table and sho-nuff, oh God, I'm holding his hand. How in the hell
had that happened? "Sorry ... sorry about that. Crap! I didn't know I had done
that."
"You see why I have to go? Something bad will happen and I'm not just talking
about s-s- s-sex!" He whispered the word to me, as if to say it aloud we might both
burst into flames.
"Don't you understand everything that's going on here? Mike Vello is already
missed. I don't know if any of the others are missed yet or not, but if they are, then
someone will put together that I'm probably involved. After that, it's only a matter of
time before they put it together with you. If I can stall that process, you have a better
chance of getting out of this without being caught. Being with me just puts you at greater
risk, don't you see that?"
I suddenly regretted thinking bad about Gary. I was surprised to find out that he was
his concern was for my safety, not his, not that of the other guys. It made me feel a bit
uneasy.
"Ok, what the hell should I do? I shouldn't be seen around here either. Forget the
part about being seen together for a moment, If I'm seen in Mike's ... my room like this,
and Mike's gone, isn't that going to fuel the fires of suspicion too?
He seemed to be thinking about that. It was good to see him think. It was truly a rare
and beautiful moment. I was hoping that perhaps I had come up with that "something
better."
The light seemed to come on inside his eyes. "How the hell did the Klingon get in
the building, Huh?" Then, he sat back looking very proud of himself.
"Sandy can be very ... persistent. She will sit there and argue with you until she
wears you down and you give in. She's done it with security before. Now the guard just
let's her come down and knock on my door as long as she stays in the hall where he can see
her. It's a good thing she didn't get past you in more ways than one. The guard would have
been down here in a flash and the whole thing would have been up."
That seemed to deepen his concentration some. His brow furrowed and his face darkened.
I started eating my breakfast while I waited for an answer.
I was a lousy cook. Gary, on the hand, was a genius at it. When I was hungry, I usually
ate a box of crackers with peanut butter or opened a can of something red, but Gary could
cook truly elegant meals. I always felt that if he ever settled down enough to concentrate
on what he wanted for the long-term he would make a truly first class chef. I knew that he
resisted job offers from his dad at the Red Fish, the restaurant his family owned, but it
seemed that he and his Dad, who was head chief had a lot in common.
He had made poached eggs on some kind of soft warm bread. It was covered with a yellow
sauce that had long, narrow green leaves in it, a spice of some kind. It was strong too. I
could taste it when I bit into a leaf here and there.
There were also a small portion of potatoes with bits of green peppers and little red
things. These were covered with some kind of melted cheese. I guess Gary had stopped
thinking and has started watching me again because he spoke up.
"You ah ... you like that, do ya?
"Mumph," I said around a mouth full of potatoes. Gary grinned.
"Did you try the napkin dumplings?" he asked.
"Ummm, Dumplings," I replied. I didn't even know I had this stuff in my
kitchen.
"Ok, Mike. I'll stay."
I looked up at him and grinned with food still in my mouth.
"Aw gross. Ok, maybe you're not that beautiful after all. Just keep eating Ok.
I'll talk!"
I snickered and went back to my meal.
"I'll stay, but you have to stay out of sight and when the cops come (and I think
they will now), we'll just have to make a fast retreat. Sandy thinks you're sick, but when
you don't call, she'll come back -- maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. I don't know.
Hopefully, it will be tomorrow. That way we'll have only a few more hours to stall before
we can get these things off. I guess well have to stay as long as we can and leave before
we start feeling squirrelly.
"Why do you think Sandy is going to alert the police?"
"She's expecting a call from you when you wake up. You can't really do that can
you? I mean your voice and all. Who the hell would believe you were Mike."
"Right, They'd know we were using skins!"
"No they'd think we were involved in Mike's disappearance, or worse yet Mike's
murder."
I stopped eating. I hadn't thought it out that far. I could feel the blood run from my
face.
"It gets worse. They pick us up and put us in jail. We can't get to the patch code
transmitter to get out of these bodies. Mike never shows up. Mike is in jail as you. Do
you think Rod is going to sacrifice himself to save us? I'll tell you what he'll do. He'll
get himself and Frank and Kit out of their skins. We'll be too far away from the
transmitter for it to work on us- and the transmitters only work once. That's it! After
that we stay like this forever! And we stand trial not only Mike's disappearance but for
Gary's as well- because they will never show up alive again. Even if we `fess up that we,
you and I, Mike and Gary, we still go to jail. We still stay in these bodies. Different
charges, same result. Sound right to you?"
Gary was a much better thinker that I would ever have suspected. Suddenly, I wasn't
very hungry. I was also very aware that we had never set a time and place to meet to get
these things off.
"Gary, how's Rod gonna find us when it's time?"
"We talked about that before you made your appearance as Madame Butterfly last
night at the warehouse. We are going to meet back there tomorrow night just after 8:30
P.M. I mentioned the time, but I guess I forgot to mention the location in all the
excitement. Sorry."
Gary started eating.
"So you're saying that, until then, we just hope for the best?"
"No, we can do things to help the situation. We won't know exactly what all of
those things are until the picture develops a bit more. We may not have to do anything.
Who knows, maybe the Klingon just might forget it." I was not too optimistic about
that and I suddenly found myself wishing I had been more assertive with her.
"You know, you could always just jiggle her your tits at her and hope she gets the
message that it just wouldn't work out between the two of you," he laughed.
"That's not very damn funny Gary," I insisted, but that just made Gary laugh
harder.
***************************
"Well, that's a good chunk of the story. I think that will do for now. I'll pick
this up tomorrow night, when I have a little time to myself. Close Journal."
Journal> Journal Closed: 12/20/2081: 11:10 P.M.
CHAPTER FOUR:
A Change Of Scene |
Journal> Journal Date 12/22/2081: 12:18 pm.
Journal>Voice dictation journal editor, open. Proceed!
After breakfast, Gary and I settled in and waited. We waited for the day to end, for
the other to break the silence, for the police to come, for our time in our flesh prisons
to end. We waited for an idea!
As I remember it, the day pressed on with very little incident, if you don't count the
way my brain treated me all day. I got dressed, choosing to dress in some of my male
clothes at first. Not because I had forgotten, but rather I was hopeful that I could.
Still, nothing felt good, or should I say right.
My t-shirts were also too small in the chest and hung off me strangely. I didn't like
the sensation at all, so with a bit of visible resentment I snatched my skirt and sweater
off the dresser and put them on. I was not a happy Girl Scout.
I remember needing some of my routine and pleaded with Gary to
get a newspaper. Oh, I could have downloaded a copy on the Vid, but I like the feel of
the paper and the smell of the cheap ink. I can move the paper where I want it. I can lie
down to read it if I want to. I can't do that with the Vid screen. In the end Gary won, as
he nearly always did, saying that it would be just too risky having strangers being seen
wandering in and out of my dorm room. The demo session was today, soon Mike would be
missed and we would have to come up with some kind of plan before then. For now, it was
best to stay out of sight.
Outside, life was going on all around us. On Saturday, crowds of people were in the
streets, wandering about. My street had little mechanized traffic and on the weekend was
taken over by
throngs of young people who made this part of town the place to be at the end of a work week. They all made
their way up and down the tiny tree-lined street, choking the road sidewalks and the shops
that lined the avenues and alleyways, the morning sun shining down on all of them. I could
hear their conversations fading in and out of my earshot as they walked. I could hear
girls laughing and gossiping, men symbolically thumping their chests with their buddies as
they tried to make time with those same girls. I heard the conversations of lovers,
friends and people that didn't even know one another, but soon might be close friends. I
could see them in my mind. The idea has always reminded me of a 1940's Saturday
Evening Post cover. With the exception of the clothing, very little had
changed since then -- or so it would have appeared to the causal observer.
It wasn't until you looked closer and saw nuclear hydroponics chambers in the windows
for growing small vegetable plants, or
Crystal Resonators sticking out of nearly everyone's ears for playing your personal
music selections at the local broadcast center that the image faltered, but what really
destroyed the image were the hover cars cruising silently above everyone's heads. Norman
Rockwell, rest in peace, pal!
As I noted, I could hear the ghosts of conversations drifting in through my open
kitchen window as small parties of people walked beneath it. I could also hear the
residents of the dorm moving in and out of the hall outside my door. Partial
conversations, shouts of excitement at the arrival of the weekend could be heard fading in
and out as the participants in said weekend's festivities drifted in and out of the
building or up and down the avenue.
I remember wanting to be back in that life. Down the street, a baseball game was
underway, a game in which I was supposed to play third base. This weekend was turning out
to be the weekend I lost a little part of my life. I should have been OK with that. I know
that some people lose much larger chunks of their lives in a state of complete
unconsciousness. Coma patients, crash victims, people whose surgeries have gone terribly
wrong...they all lose much larger portions of their lives than I was losing and still they
get on with the business of living life without looking back. I wasn't even losing this
piece of my life as one might think of losing time. I was still conscious of the passage
of time. I was conscious of things going on around me. I had just convinced myself that I
couldn't participate in life as I was.
But as I listened to the world outside my window that day, I couldn't help from time to
time envisioning myself as part of the scenery, joining in and having fun. Every time I
did though, it was as this girl. I would shake my head each time, drive the vision off and
go back to reading my book or watching the piped in Vid shows. As the noises from outside
filtered in, I was inserted back into the landscape and each time as the person I had
become. Twice I tried to force Mike Vello into the picture and I couldn't remember what
he/I had looked like.
Once, as I set off on one of these daydreams, I found myself arm in arm with Gary. Not
Gary/Tonto mind you, but my best friend Gary. I could feel myself smiling at the idea just
as I could feel the warm sunshine on my face. I could smell his scent as the sun warmed
him and made him perspire a little. Shaking out my long hair, I let it spill over my
shoulders and over the upper portion of my back. In my mind's eye, I gave Gary's hand a
tight squeeze and saw him turn to me and mouth the words, "I love you."
WHOA! That had snapped me out of my trance. I glanced around the room and saw
Gary staring at me from the recliner on the other side of the room. His eyes were glassy
and he seemed lost in his own daydream.
Just then, a mischievous thought occurred to me. I consciously softened my eyes and
offered a demure smile. "Are you liking what you're seeing?" I asked in the most
seductive voice I could manage. I was surprised at how naturally it just seemed to flow
out of my mouth.
"I sure do," he replied in a dreamy voice.
When it came to him that I was now cognitive of his staring he blushed, shook his head,
cleared his throat and sat up in the chair.
"Uh, sorry ... sorry about that. I don't know what the hell got into me." His
voice, already deepened by his new persona was now forcibly deeper. I guessed that Gary
was trying to illustrate his masculinity after being caught fantasizing about his best
friend.
I got up, walked over to him and put my hand on his shoulder. I looked at that small
hand on his dark gray shirt with its delicate fingers and perfect but unpainted nails. It
looked so small, nothing like I was used to seeing attached to my wrist.
"It's Ok Gary. I was just pulling your cha ..." I started and broke down,
collapsing to my knees on the floor next to Gary and wept. I hated this. I just hated it.
I was scared. My brain was all messed up. I was having a hard time convincing myself that
I was not feeling the things I was clearly feeling and thinking. I was a man, male anyway
if not completely mature, and now I couldn't even inject my former self into one of my own
daydreams. God help me, I was having emotional fantasies about my best friend.
The longer I remained female the less emotional I became. I can only attribute my
initial unstable emotional state to hormonal confusion. As I recall though, the first
twenty-four hours were very bad for me emotionally.
So, I sat there at Gary's feet and cried. That just made things worse. As I sobbed, my
breasts jogged up and down as my chest heaved with the sobbing. That just made me more
painfully aware of my condition just as I had been getting used to it. It only caused me
to sob harder.
Gary got down on the floor before me, put his huge arms around me and tried to comfort
me -- and for a minute, I let them stay. I shuddered in his arms and slowly I began to
calm down.
"Hormones," I spat out. "Give me good old testosterone any day. This
estrogen crap is for the birds."
I looked up at Gary and he was smiling. Good, that helped! I thought to myself that I
was sure lucky to have such a wonderful friend as Gary. The thought brought me great
warmth and, as our lips met, I allowed my tongue to slither out of my mouth and into his.
He didn't resist. I pulled him closer until I thought we would soon start occupying the
same body.
We stayed that way until -- I shoved myself back away from him, horrified at what I had
just done -- and oh yes indeed, I had done it. I could remember after looking up, hooking
an arm around his waist. He was face-to-face with me for the first time since he and I had
been transformed. It seemed so natural. I could smell him so strongly. I was attracted to
him. I hadn't admitted that until then, but now I had to or I would go crazy thinking
about the alternative. And holy shit, I HAD KISSED HIM! I had put my tongue in his
mouth. YUCK! YUCK! And double fucking YUCK!
"I'm sorry that happened Gary. God DAMN it! Don't tell anyone, please!
I'm so embarrassed! Man, that was awful. I'm sorry as hell Gary, please don't hate me. I'm
not myself." I was babbling, trying to take back that element I had snuck into the
equation.
"It's Ok," he was saying calmly, softly.
"No it's not Ok! Guys do not kiss other guys. That's gross and it's wrong. I'm not
gay. Please God; don't let me be gay now.
Aw, GOD!" I was starting to get upset again.
"You’re not gay! Cause you're not a guy any more, remember?" he said,
taking my face in his hands. "Look, most of us have a real hard time resisting the
signals our bodies send out to us. These things, our bodies, make up who we are in large
part and control our urges, not the other way around. If we were really just what we
perceive ourselves to be, then we wouldn't react when our bodies dump huge amounts of
chemicals into our systems to get us to do something. Our bodies are not the mindless
machines we make them out to be. I think they control our actions to a much greater extent
than we, as humans, want to admit. But if we admit that to ourselves, then we would be
saying that we are not as much in control of our lives as we would have ourselves believe.
We are, in more ways than one, prisoners of these bodies. When you're back in your male
persona you'll see, all your normal desires will be back and all in their right
place."
"What is it you're trying to get me to understand here?" I asked. I was not
entire clear where he was going with this, but I had some idea. I didn't like the path the
conversation had taken. It sounded a bit like seduction with a philosophical slant.
"Look Mike, if our bodies make up who we are and what we do, stop being so shocked
and embarrassed when you do something a woman might do. That is who you are now."
"No," I insisted and pulled my face away.
"Yes," he continued. "And even more important, everyone will understand
and expect it to happen. What would be bad right about now is if you started scratching
your crotch or farting all the time. That would not be expected and would most certainly
raise a few eyebrows."
"Thanks," I said flatly. "I'll keep it in mind," was all I could
manage to come up with. I wasn't too enthused with his theory, but maybe Gary was right.
The idea of farting just didn't seem natural right at that time and the last thing I
wanted to do was scratch my crotch, thank you very much.
Gary continued, "Look you didn't do anything wrong or deviant. Your body sent you
a signal and you acted upon it. Your body is genetically designed, so it will probably be
real hard to ignore the signals it sends to your brain. You have to remember the engineers
that designed her wanted the wearer to have the full and perfect female experience. You
may not be able to control yourself, which, I guess, could become a problem. Because, I
guess, in a sense, the same rules apply to me too."
I didn't know whether to feel better about what Gary had told me or not. I decided to
stop arguing with my body and resign myself to the idea that what ever happened, happened.
As long as I could keep myself out of jail and keep from hurting myself until this thing
was off, then I guess I could deal with the rest.
I got up. My skirt was rucked up over my waist. As I stood, I could imagine Gary's eyes
on my ass. I didn't turn around to see if it was true. I know that I had just resolved
myself to accepting what was, but it was much easier said than actually done.
"I've got to get out of here," I exclaimed suddenly. "I'm going to go
crazy if I have to sit here any longer and think about this." What I really wanted
was a distraction. If I stayed here with Gary, in this tiny room with nothing else to do
but be close to him well, there would be trouble. If I could occupy my mind with other
things for just a few more hours then we might just dodge a plasma beam here.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Gary's face was a storm of concern and
worry. He made no attempt to hide it.
I had to get us out of this confined atmosphere. Gary had been right this morning about
bad things happening and I was the one who was making them happen. If Gary started to lose
sight of the fact that I was a man wearing a skin then this whole thing might soon get way
out of hand.
"It'll be Ok," I insisted, not really knowing or caring if it would be.
"Do you know how many people are out there on the weekend just milling around?
Thousands. And not just in the day either, it goes on all night.
"How do you intend to get out of the building?" he asked.
"The same way I got in," I said. "Guys sneak their girlfriends into the
building all the time, remember? They have got get back out somehow, don't they?"
"Look, I know this is hard. It's getting harder by the moment," Gary noted. A
part of me wondered just what he really meant by that. "But we would be exposing
ourselves to all sorts of unknown risks out there. God I really wish we had thought to
tell our folks that we were going out of town, to see a concert or go to the beach or
something. That way at least, we wouldn't be missing."
"Ok, but if we're not here when the shit storm starts, we're ahead of the game,
right?" I countered. I had to get us out if this room and in public where something
like what had just happened was less likely to happen again.
"We don't know for sure that anything will happen," Gary agreed, but added,
"I know this however, someone from the band is going to start looking for you soon.
So maybe your idea has some merit. Leave it to the college girl to come up with a
plan."
I puffed up a bit. "Equal credit for equal ideas," I demanded.
"Women's rights damn it!" But when I looked back at Gary I could see he was
thinking again.
"Ok, you're acting funny again Gary. What's up?"
"I'm just getting scared. You were right. This was a bad idea.
I know that Rod, Frank and Kit are probably out some place getting in trouble and not
concerned about it because they know that in just a little more that twenty-four hours
from now they will be back to there old selves and in the clear. And who the hell knows
where Norm is right now. But I also know that they are smart enough to not associate
themselves with their real identity. We didn't do that. We came right back to your
room."
I supposed he was right. We had screwed up in the first place by letting Rod put us in
this position. Then we had really screwed up by coming back here. But we really didn't
have any place else to go. It's not like we had a lot of time to plan this out.
"You're right Mike, we have to get the hell out of here." And with that his
eyes lit up and he suddenly shouted, "Wait!" Then he dashed over to the Vid and
started dialing. When he was done dialing, the screen sprang to life. Gary ducked out of
the way apparently not wanting to be seen. I tried to get out of the way as well but Gary
shoved me back in front of the screen.
"What the hell? Gary? What are you doing?" I asked angrily and scowled at
him. I tried to get out of the way in the other direction but he grabbed my arm and pulled
me back in front of the screen.
"Gary, stop!" I cried.
Just then a woman appeared on the screen. It was Gary's mother. I was stunned. All I
could say was "Oh, uh, hi Mrs. Shipley."
I waited for her typical response of "Hi Mikey, my you're looking very handsome
today," but instead she said, "Can I help you young lady?"
Oh yeah, I thought, I'm a young lady. I'm not looking very handsome today.
"Ah ... well ... "
"Pssst," Gary signaled from behind the monitor. "Ask to speak to
me," he whispered.
"What?" I whispered back looking away from the screen and over at Gary.
Gary slapped his face with is hand in frustration.
Gary's mother replied, "Can I help you with something? Who did you want to speak
with?" She was beginning to look annoyed.
I looked back at the screen flustered, "Is Gary there?"
Her face seemed to lighten from its annoyed state quite a bit.
"No dear, Gary was gone when we got up this morning. I don't know when he'll be
back."
"Oh," I said. I was thinking how hard I was going to kick Gary in the balls
for doing this to me. Why had he called his mother and then stuck me in front of the
screen to have this screwy conversation? Gary's sense of humor was a real pain in the ass
sometimes.
"Leave a message," Gary whispered, pointing at the Vid screen from behind the
unit.
"What?" I whispered back and then realized he wanted me to leave a message!
"Oh. Oh, Yeah."
"Can I leave a message for him please?" I asked. I didn't know what message I
could possibly want to leave. I was just following orders.
"Is there someone with you, dear?" she asked.
"Errrr ... ah ... No! Why do you ask?"
"It sounds like someone is whispering something to you."
Gary shot me a sheepish look from behind the screen and mouthed the word,
"Oops."
"Must be a bad connection," Gary's mom concluded. "Yes, you can leave a
message, but Gary's father and I are leaving in a bit and will be gone for a while. I
don't know when I'll see him again." Behind the large Vid screen, Gary was pumping
his arm and fist back in forth in a victory salute. "I'll leave it here for him, but
I can't guarantee he'll get it. Gary's not real attentive around the house. He may just
breeze in and out. You know how boys are at your age."
"Yes, isn't that the truth." I replied. "If boys could only mature
sooner, it might be a perfect world," I said, having a little fun with it.
"That and control that terrible farting in bed," she replied.
Gary's eye's lit up and I giggled in spite of my surprise.
"Oh my, I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry, I don't even know you," she
recanted immediately, "I don't know what got into me," but she was smiling and I
could tell she felt relaxed and comfortable talking to me. "What's your message
Dear?"
"My message? Oh yeah, my message, what was that pesky message." I was
flustered. I thought I'd be able to come up with something but that farting comment from
his mom flustered me. "Tell Gary ... tell him I'd love to go out with him
tonight." I looked up at Gary and his face was open in a state of complete shock. I
cocked my mouth to one side and shrugged a little as if to say Well, what the hell did
you want me to say dick face?
Looking back at the screen, I could see his Mother was also looking a bit surprised.
"My son asked you out?" she asked.
"Is that alright? I mean he's not gay or anything is he?" I asked. Oh yes,
revenge is sweet.
His Mom seemed not to know how to respond to that at first, and then said, "Oh no,
I'm sorry it's nothing like that! At least I don't think so." Gary was giving me the
index finger across the throat sign telling me to cut the conversation off now. His mother
continued, "It's just, well you're such a pretty girl." I was blushing again.
"I shouldn't say anything but Gary doesn't bring many of his dates home or give out
his phone number much. I think he's afraid that we'll embarrass him or something. Isn't
that silly?"
"Definitely silly," I confirmed.
"Frank, come here, there's a simply gorgeous young lady on the Vid that wants to
go out with your son." She turned back to the Vid screen and said to me, "Just
wait here. I want you to meet Gary's Father."
"Ah, I really have to go Mrs. Shipley," I said trying to duck out of this now
as fast as I could. I really didn't want many people seeing me like this, for obvious and
personal reasons.
"This won't take just another second dear. By the way, I didn't catch your
name."
Careful now, "It's Michelle," I said, using the name I first heard in the
warehouse last night.
"That's a pretty name. A pretty name for a pretty girl."
"Please, that really isn't necessary. I must look horrible, I haven't done
anything with myself today." Ok, it was cliché, but it's all I knew to say.
"Nonsense, you shouldn't be self-conscious about your looks. You really are quite
a beautiful young lady. Oh, there you are
Frank. Come here and meet Michelle, Gary's date for tonight."
"Hello, Michelle I'm -- Wow! She's going out with Gary?" Gary's Dad
looked over at his mother in honest confusion while his mother smiled back proudly.
"I'm very pleased to meet you! Wow, Gary huh? Wow! Are you sure you mean Gary
Shipley?" His wife jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow. "Ow. I'm kidding! I'm
kidding!"
"Listen, I really have to go," I said trying to hurry along the conversation.
"I've got a -- hair appointment in about ten minutes. If you could just give Gary the
message I would really appreciate it."
"I will. I'll try to page him and if that doesn't work he has virtual mail."
And she added, " Do you want his address?" I told her that it would be more
appropriate if he gave it to me and she agreed and then said, "It was nice to meet
you Michelle, I hope we get a chance to talk in person."
As I started to disconnect the Vid, I could hear Gary's Dad say "Wow!" again
and then his Mother saying, "Stop with the 'Wow's' already, you'll embarrass
Gary."
I shot an angry glance over at Gary, "What the hell did you do that for?"
Gary shot one right back at me, "A date? What were you thinking? My God, I'm never
going to hear the end of this! I've never had a date with a girl like you."
"You haven't answered my question, Gary. What was that all about? And what the
hell do you mean `A girl like me'?"
"I wanted to see if my parents were still going up to the lake for the week. They
were supposed to be leaving tonight. I thought it would give us a different place to stay.
A better place with more than one room, but I couldn't just show up looking the way I do.
I thought if a girl called. Well, it worked didn't? What am I going to do when they want
to meet you?" Gary lamented, embarrassed.
"Well, you could have told me. We could have planned it out a bit more. That way
we could have come up with something else to say. So the way I see it you got what was
coming to you." I said and crossed my arms and turned my back on him.
"Do you fart in bed?" why the hell had I asked that?
"Why the hell did you ask me that?"
"Your Mom said..." I said pointing to the Vid with the most innocent look I
could muster while trying to get out of the small hole I just dug.
"My Dad sometimes farts in his sleep. Maybe I do too, I wouldn't know. If I do it
happens when I'm asleep."
I can't say why I even asked. I let the question die a strained silent death.
It was about 3:00 in the afternoon, about twenty-nine hours to go. Things were looking
up. I was starting to feel better. I had handled my first semi-public appearance as a
woman with my exposure to Gary's parents and I had pulled it off with flying colors. I was
beginning to think that I was going to be able to pull this off without any more emotional
outbursts. Gary's tender consultation had eased me into the part of a female. Like it or
not that's what I had become and thanks to him I felt I was going to make it to the end
without going insane.
"I'm going to take a shower Gary. I've got to get cleaned up or I'm going to start
to stink soon." Gary crinkled up his nose at the idea. "After that we'll go,
Ok?"
"Yeah, some space and a change of scenery will do us both good. Go get cleaned up.
I'll make us a late lunch."
"None for me, I have to watch my girlish figure." At that, Gary seemed to
give up on the idea of eating.
I sashayed into the bathroom swinging my hips widely from side to side in an
exaggerated fashion. I didn't bother to look back to see if I had given Gary a rise. I was
able to joke about it now, and that felt good.
In the bathroom, I stripped off my skirt and sweater, removed my underwear and started
the water. Yet again, I was struck by the reflection I cast in the bathroom mirror. It was
like seeing someone else in the room with you, behind you. Someone you hadn't noticed when
you first walked in the room. Then the recognition comes. It doesn't take long it just
catches you off guard.
Again, I felt that twang of pain at the idea of permanently eliminating this person I
was seeing in the mirror. In a way, because I could see her, it seemed a bit like murder
to consider wiping her out. I no longer felt as attracted to her as I had when I had first
seen her back in the warehouse the night before. I supposed that, as the influences of
this body's chemistry established itself, I would feel less and less attracted to women
and more attracted to men. Hell, it would be pretty hard to try to deny that at this point
after trying to play tonsil hockey with Gary earlier. That thought sent a shudder coursing
through me. There was still enough male left in me at this point to be disturbed at that
idea.
She/I was beautiful; even most women would have admitted that -- and that was what made
it so sad. It is perhaps one of the greatest deficiencies in human nature that we tend to
grieve over the loss of the beautiful more than that of the less attractive. True, the
families of both feel equally as pained in their time of loss and grief. But the real
evidence does not exist with those who knew the departed but in those who only knew of the
deceased or were only acquainted on a casually basis. The truth can be heard in the
statements they make to others. She was so pretty and had so much to live for. He was so
good looking, with such a bright future ahead. It's really no wonder these skins had been
invented. Unlike any other need before it, medical, nutritional or shelter from the
elements, the need not to be lonely, to be accepted, loved and desired was perhaps the
most needful thing of all. In a society where physical attractiveness is so highly coveted
that we see less potential for those with diminished appearances, skins offered these
pitiful groups of people a chance to join the true human race. And I guess it was that
idea, that concept of the human condition that brought pain at the idea that this young
lady would not survive to see three days of life.
Well, I thought; if you're that upset by the idea, let her live. You could
do that you know. Just don't show up when the guys activate that transmitter. When it's
done, Michelle will be alive and well, so will you. But, that means when you get married
you'll have to wear a gown instead of a tux.
"Fuck that!" I said out loud, "Sorry babe, you've got go.
Nothing personal, I just don't want to be you anymore."
I stepped into the shower and shampooed my hair. I wasn't used to washing this much
hair and took me a minute to figure out I had to pile it all up on top of my head and
lather it that way. With that done, I began to lather the soap over my body. I was amazed
at how soft and hairless my skin was. I took extra care not to get any soap into my
genitals. The lesson from last night was still fresh in my memory. My breasts were still
sensitive from the blow they had received against the wall of the dorm building when we
snuck in last night. Not painful just sensitive, as I soaped them they reacted to the
touch. I could feel the nipples tightening. It was a wonderfully sensuous feeling. It was
clear that these things were connected to other parts of my body. I could feel warmth
spreading in my groin. Weakness seemed to be taking over my legs and knees. I started to
tremble. It felt so good. I kept slowly lathering them. I really didn't want or intend for
this to happen, but there were times when, as a male, I hadn't wanted that unexpected hard
on either but seemed powerless to stop it. The major difference here was that this body
seemed to need physical stimulation to excite it. I wasn't ready to let those wonder waves
of heat and electricity stop. As a male, I had never experienced anything like it before.
Bang! Bang! Bang!
I jumped and uttered a squeak of surprise as I was jerked out of my trance. Someone was
knocking on the door. At first, I thought I must have been the door to my room. But it
turned out to be Gary knocking on the bathroom door.
"What the hell are you doing in there? I gotta piss. Come on for Christ's sake!
Hurry up!"
"Alright, I'm coming," I shouted back, and thought to myself; Or rather I
had been until you spoiled it for me! Part of me was glad though. I was about two
seconds from true masturbation. I was frighteningly aware that a deeper part of me had
wanted to see what kind of prize was waiting for me at the end of the tunnel so to speak.
I was surprisingly disappointed. And I was sure I wouldn't get another chance for that
again.
I stepped out of the shower and toweled off. Looking in the mirror, there was that
disconnected feeling again, that someone else was in the room with me. "Sorry girl
friend," I said to mirror, "I tried to give you something to remember me by. It
just wasn't meant to be." I reached out and touched the glass where my chin was
reflected and smiled. The girl in the mirror smiled back as if to say.
That's ok, there's always next time. My mind answered back, She couldn't know
there wouldn't be a next time.
I put my towel around my body, above my breasts instead of around my waist. Things like
this were becoming very natural to me, almost second nature. I didn't like it. I was
getting too comfortable in this body.
I stepped out of the bathroom just as Gary bullied past to get in muttering some kind
of obscenity at me for taking too much time in the damn bath like all women. "It's gotta
be genetic," he shouted as I heard his bladder release.
"Don't piss on the floor," I shouted back. It was a lame retort.
I got one of the extra pairs of panties off my dresser and slipped them on under the
towel. I was going to put on my bra and was undoing my towel to do just that when I
stopped. Better wait, I'll do that in the
bathroom. After what happened earlier, I don't need to start something else by traipsing
around half nude.
Gary came out zipping up his pants. "You're not dressed yet?
Come on girl, let's get on with it. Like the old joke says -- use a roller, the night
is calling."
"I would like to get back in there and finish," I said curtly.
"By all means m'lady," he said and bowed at he waist with one hand
outstretched. I walked past and patted him on the back of the head before I closed the
door on him. I finished dressing and stepped back out into my little room. I slid my small
feet into the sandals from the night before and walked over to the window.
"Ok Gary. This time, don't drop me." I looked sternly at him.
"Drop you? You're going out head first," he declared and swooped down tucked
his shoulder into my stomach and lifted me up in one deft motion. I was dangling about six
feet over the floor with Gary's hand on my ass holding me on his shoulder. My hands were
propped on his back to steady myself.
"GAAARRRRY!" it came out as a surprised squeal. He marched toward
the window.
"Put me down," I insisted, but I was laughing and couldn't seem to muster a
serious tone to save my life.
"Hey! You want to at least get your hand off my ass please?" I asked
"Sure. Like this?" and Gary removed his hand. I started sliding head first
toward the floor.
"GAAARRRRYYYY!" I squealed again, but this time in stark panic. He
put his hand back on my butt and stopped the fall.
I took my fist and slammed it into his back with each syllable to accent my anger.
"Don't-do-that-a-gain!" I demanded, deepening my voice and making it as
rough as I could.
"You wanted my hand off your ass. I took it off. You want back that's all you have
to say, and presto its back."
"Put me down right NOW," I demanded, and softly added "But nicely,
please."
He slid me down his front easily. As I was lowered to the ground, I got a whiff of that
smell again. It made my head feel light. I really didn't want to feel this way about my
best friend. It seemed perverted to me. All my memories were of being a guy. All of the
rules I had learned were those that boys and men learn growing up. Now my body was sending
me very different signals.
As I came down, the hem of my skirt caught on his belt buckle.
My toes hit the floor and I started away before I noticed.
"Oh," was all I could say.
"Uh oh," Gary replied and started fumbling with the buckle trying to get my
skirt undone. I was trying desperately to cover myself. This should have been no big deal,
but I was standing, facing him with a skirt pulled up over my waist.
"What's wrong? Can't you get it?"
"I'm trying, hold still. Shit. It's tangled on the inside of the buckle," he
said as he worked the buckle and the skirt.
"You're too short. I need some slack here."
He stopped and looked around. "What are you looking for? Just undo it."
"There, over this way, and he gestured with is left hand toward the bed."
"WHAT! Oh no. What happened earlier, that was a mistake Gary.
I can't do that." I started to back away from him pulling on my skirt as I did,
putting tension on my clothes.
"Wait! You're going to tear your dress. All I meant was for you to stand on the
bed and put some slack in the fabric. What the hell is wrong with you?" He looked
genuinely annoyed at me. For the first time since this whole thing started, he was losing
his temper with me. He fiddled with the skirt's hem and undid the snag. "There!"
He said harshly to me.
I was ashamed of myself. Gary had, after all, been a perfect gentleman, with the
exception, of course, of the hand on my ass thing. Once again, I let my unfounded worries
interfere with my trust in Gary. This time he was getting tired of being accused of
stirring the muddied waters. All his jokes and playfulness had been meant to calm me. And
it had done just that. He had been wonderful and I was fucking it all up again.
Not to mention, anything sexual that had happened between us had all been started by
me!
"I'm sorry Gary. I was just kidding. I'm sorry. I really didn't mean it.
Really!" I hoped that the small lie would be enough to avoid a severe scolding or
worse, abandonment.
"I'm telling you Mikey. You have to get this thing about your new body under
control," he sternly told me. "I know it must be hard. And I've given you that.
I've done what I can do to help. This is after all my fault.” I was shaking my head
no at that statement. I didn’t want him assuming blame, not all the blame anyway.
That certainly wouldn’t help him. “But for the duration, that's your body. My
advice to you, take some time to experience it, since you have to wear it. Or you can make
life miserable for everyone you come in contact with until it's over." He finished
with me and walked away.
"I said I'm sorry," I said this pouting. It was all I could manage. I was
starting to leak around the eyes again, but I kept my head down. I didn't want Gary to see
that too.
He reached the kitchen and turned around, "You know something?
You've been given an opportunity to see life from all angles, but you spend the
experience pissing and moaning about what you don't want and how this isn't fair. Well,
I'm scared too, Mikey."
"You need to learn from it. Take something with you when it's over. Think about
how you'll be able to relate to women when you're male again. You're going to be every
woman's dream man when you will get your old body back. All of us will get back I promise
you that. After that, you'll never get this chance again. If you don't learn from this
now, you'll have blown it forever. I know it's not what you expected, but shit man, when
was the last time anybody you know got what they expected?"
He came back slowly toward me and lay his hand on my shoulder,
"There, I feel better."
I guess Gary thought I was Ok. He couldn't see I'd been crying (mostly out of shame.) I
guess what gave it away was when I lifted my hand to dry my eyes.
My head was still down and I heard Gary plead, "Oh man, don't cry, please don't
cry." He turned me around, put his hand under my chin and tilted my head so he could
see my face.
"I'm sorry," I said again.
"No," he said. "It's my fault. Aw shit, please Mikey, don't cry."
He looked back down at me and smiled. "I should be the one that apologizes Mikey. I'm
scared and I let it get to me.
I smiled a thin smile, I could certainly understand scared!
"Yeah, I can get behind that."
There was something I'd been thinking about since the Vid call that I really wanted to
bring up, but after Gary's scolding, I felt I should do anything I could to get behind the
idea of really being Michelle before trying to act like Mike got me in trouble. I supposed
that Gary was correct. I had to do this, or it was going to be me that got us busted. He
hadn't said that but it was clear that he was thinking it. I was going to have to
contribute to the team, before there wasn't one.
So I started, "Look, I'm not sure you've noticed but we almost blew it when your
Mom asked me for my name. And you're calling me by my name all the time and I'm not sure
that's safe."
"What? Mikey? What should I call you? Hey you!" he started gesturing about
the room. "Hey you, fetch my slippers. Hey you, get me a beer. Hey you, turn on the
news Vid."
I choked out a half laugh and he wiped the damp from my cheek.
"How about the name I picked for myself when I talked to your
Mom. It's pretty close to my own, as close as I'm gonna get until tomorrow
anyway," I said.
You want me to call you Michelle?"
"No, but if we go out there" I pointed to the window, "then I'd better
get used to hearing something other than Mike or Mikey. How the hell would we explain that
if someone overheard?"
He considered this for a bit and then gave his head a quick jerk in agreement.
"It's gonna take some getting used to -- Michelle. But I'll try anything once."
I looked back down at the ground and shuffled my feet as I said, "As for who
should apologize, I'll let you do that if it makes you feel better, but you'll have to
accept mine as well." I looked up at him with my head cocked sideways and flashed him
my biggest smile.
That was the first time I remember seeing it. It took just a moment to pass between us,
but I know what I saw. It was a softening of the eyes. His brow relaxed and his eyes
seemed to light up just a bit. His whole face lit up and he blushed. I could actually see
him struggling with his lips, as if he had something he wanted to say but was unsure of
just what it should be.
Then it passed away into normalcy. It was the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. How the
smile from one person could influence so many feelings in just the blink of an eye.
"Alright! Let's go eat dinner then. Wait 'til you see what's at my folks house,
it's been ages since you've been there." he said and picked me up to lower me out the
window.
"Don't drop me this time," I said looking concerned.
"I didn't drop you the last time. You're never gonna let me forget that,
are you?" he said as he lowered me out the window.
"Just don't drop me."
This time I was careful not let my sandals slip off the wall as I was eased down.
Journal> Journal Date 12/23/2081: 10:18 am.
Journal> Voice dictation journal editor, open... Proceed.
It was very cool in Gary's house, and my skin started to pimple up in goose flesh. I
rubbed my arms as I walked in trying to rub off them off. "Wow, it's cold in here!
Can you warm it up some?"
"Sure, I'm sorry. Dad's a bit heavy; he likes it cooler than the rest of us. Go on
into the living room and turn the VID on. I'll be right back."
I headed off into the other room while Gary started to gear up the house. I could hear
the Enviropump wind down. And lights started to come on all over the house.
The living room was a large space, nicely done in light and dark colors of cream and
burgundy. One large window dominated the front with cream-colored shears and dark burgundy
drapes. The shears offered a great deal of privacy. One could see out but not in from the
street, even at night with the lights on.
The living room opened up into a huge kitchen/breakfast area. Off of that was a formal
dining room, separated from the entire house by the kitchen to the left and accessed from
the living room by a small passageway in the corner. To the right was a narrow hall that
led to the three sleeping quarters. Mr. and Mrs. Shipley's home office and study were up
stairs.
The living room was furnished in large, oversized chairs and a huge fluffy sofa. The
sofa sat at a right angle to the large picture window to the right and faced a very large
VID screen connected to a VR Theater system. This was the centerpiece of the room. Gary's
mom was a huge sports fan and she and I had spent many hours watching Penn State massacre
other teams in this place watching the Gators in SEC slaughter other southern teams.
As I had been surveying the living room looking for changes and reacquainting myself
with the surroundings Gary moved off somewhere into the house without my noticing.
"Hey Mike-" Gary called out from somewhere in the back, and then muttered,
"Damn it! Ah, I mean Michelle. Man-that sound's weird...feel free to grab yourself a
beer from the fridge."
"Beer? Gary. Your folks are going to be pissed if you give away all their valuable
stuff."
"Don't worry about it," he said, coming back into the room. "Dad brings
it back from the restaurant. Hell, we've got a freaking brewery in the basement, foreign
and domestic. They'll not only not miss it, but will more than likely bring more home at
the end of the week."
I have to admit, I didn't understand such privilege nor did I understand why Gary
continued to risk his existence doing things like this when his future was set. It was a
mystery to me, and I probably knew him better than anyone -- perhaps, even better than his
parents.
I went to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. I had never seen anything like it.
There had to be twenty or thirty bottles and cans of beer, all kinds of beer. I grabbed a
green bottle in front with a funny label. I held it up to read it. "Tennents."
It was from Scotland. I got the cap off and took a deep swallow; it was crisp and strong,
heavily carbonated. It tasted great! Much different from the few American beers I had
tasted. Contentedly, I pressed the cold glass to my forehead and allowed myself a moment
of relaxation.
I must have been much more tense that I thought I had been. I suddenly felt very tired.
Sneaking around and being uptight all the time about the fix I had gotten myself into had
taken its toll. Even after sleeping later into the day hadn't help. I had spent so much
energy worrying and bitching about when I could get back to being Mike and how much longer
I'd have to spend as this girl that I felt all used up now.
I leaned against the kitchen counter, took another drink of my beer and closed my eyes.
I had allowed myself to truly relax. It felt good. I could feel muscles throughout my body
relax. I could have fallen asleep. Could have that is, if Gary hadn't have come in and
caught me drifting off.
"You look relaxed."
My eyes snapped open. "Yeah, sorry, I was just... I haven't let myself do that
yet. It felt good."
"Don't let me interrupt then, you need it."
"No that's OK, I just needed a minute. Now I feel better." I smiled at him
and it happened again, that moment where he seemed to glaze over and become hypnotized.
"Gary?" I said, breaking the trance, "What do you want to do now? The
Lakers have a game tonight, you want to watch it."
"Naw," he said, "You go watch it. I'm going to cook dinner for us. Hey,
you know it's too bad Mom couldn't get to know you as you are now. The way she loves
sports, you two would probably become the best of friends.
Gary turned and rummaged through the fridge. "Let's see, steaks I think. We
deserve it. Besides, if I remember correctly, my parents think you and I are supposed to
be on some hot date, remember?"
I ignored the comment and asked, "Can I help with something?"
"If I need any water burned, I'll let you know." He said grabbing my shoulder
from behind and guiding me out to the living room. "You need to take some time and
relax now that you have remembered how to. First, however, your skirt and sweater are
getting stale. I dug some of my Mom's old clothes out of the back room. I think what I
found will fit you. My mom was about your size a few years ago..."
I guess my dislike for wearing anyone's Mother's clothes was showing on my face.
"Don't get strange on me. It's just temporary, besides, you're going to attract a
lot of attention with dirty clothes."
I said nothing, only stared at him.
"Look, I can wash what you have here but there are shorts in the back. It's all
there is that will fit and I think you'll be happier in something closer to pants Mikey,
er... sorry, Michelle. Are you sure you still want me to call you that?"
"No, I'm not." I sighed, "But I also don't want to have to explain to
someone that overhears you call me Mike and wind up being detained at the police station.
I realize that the chances of that happening are remote, but I don't want to take any more
chances than we already have, so I guess I'd better get used to the name.
"And you're right." I continued, "I should change clothes." He
raised his eyebrows at me, "I'm OK. Really, I'll be a good girl. Just keep the beer
coming and I'll get better and better at it, you'll see."
"Good man," he said and it was my turn to raise eyebrows. "Er... Good
girl?" It was a question. He was seeing if I was truly OK with it.
"Where are the clothes Gary?" I said with thin lips and grim determination.
"They're back in the guest room, last door on the right. I'll turn the game on for
you."
I started toward the hall and the guest room. I turned and looked at him again and
smiled, "Thanks pal." And it happened again, that thing with his eyes. I was
going to have to watch it with the smiling. I had a bad feeling that it could to lead to
trouble. I found myself wondering again, surly not all girls have to worry about
things like that. It had to be the situation. We were both under a huge amount of
strain. Any distraction from our situation seemed to enhance the experience of escapism. I
felt sure that he no more wanted to spend any more time as Gary/Tonto than I wanted to as
Michelle.
I found the room at the end of the hall. The door was cracked open. I pushed it open
and walked in. The room was small, with a window looking out onto the small backyard
behind the house. Out there was an equally small pool. Against one wall behind the door
was a small closet and, next to the closet, an apparently unused dresser and mirror. On
the wall on the opposite side of the room was a small single bed, larger than the one in
my dorm room, but small for a bed.
On the bed were a pair of white shorts and a nice soft warm red sweater, a pair of
small white socks and a pair of white women's canvas deck shoes. I picked up the shorts
and beneath them I found underwear. The shorts seemed odd to me but I couldn't quite put
my finger on what was wrong with them.
I turned and caught my reflection in the mirror of the dresser. I jumped with surprise
at the image there and a small eek of surprise escaped my lips. I had spent only one whole
day as a Michelle. It just wasn't enough time to get used to seeing that image as my
reflection.
I got myself back under control as soon as my brain recognized the image as my own.
Once that happened I saw the condition of my clothing. My skirt was truly smudged and
gross looking. My sweater was looking a bit oily. Disgusted, I stripped off my top,
unzipped my skirt and stepped out of it. Then, I kicked them both aside.
I picked up the shorts, stepped into them and pulled them up. I pulled the zipper up
and buttoned the button. They felt funny -- like I had them on backwards. Then it struck
me. I knew why they looked strange to me. The zipper didn't have the familiar flap of
fabric over it. Instead, it had two narrow flaps that met over the middle of it. The
zipper was supposed to be in the back. Great!
I undid the shorts and put them on correctly. They felt better this way, but as I
looked at them, I wasn't sure I could bring myself to wear them. The skirt was one thing.
It hid my hips and crotch. These shorts showed it all off. Inside I started to distrust
Gary's intentions again. And then felt bad for suspecting him and shoved that thought out
of my head. I grabbed the top and pulled on.
I checked myself in the mirror. Very nice. It looked good on me, really good. I was a
bit more than impressed. I pulled the top down as far as I could. It was a big top and hid
most of the shorts nearly down to my crotch. I was happier about that. I turned and
checked the rear. My butt was a different story. The shorts were snug. And I could see a
good portion of zipper showing in back. And a good bit of butt cleft too. I took one last
look at the skirt on the floor. "Gross!"
I was resolved to wear this for now. I grabbed the socks and sneakers put them on.
Then, I started back out to the living room. As I reached the end of the hall, I paused. I
felt very self-conscious in these tight shorts. I wanted to look as un-sexy as possible. I
was beginning to think that in this outfit it might be impossible.
"There you are," said Gary, as he inspected his selection in clothes.
"Good. Everything fit OK?"
I nodded and waited for more reaction.
Gary shoved another beer in my hand and turn away and back into the kitchen.
"Game's already started. Hawks are up by three already. I really think this is their
year."
He didn't even take a second look. I felt very relieved, but I was a bit annoyed too, I
had to admit. Even I had noticed how nice I looked in these clothes. Was I just imagining
it? Was it just me?
What do you want? I asked myself. First, you don't want him to get excited
because you're a guy. Then you get upset that he doesn't notice how you look. You want him
to notice you? Go in there, grab his head and plant your lips on his. That will get you
noticed.
Yeah, OK, I get it. I'm back.
Instead of dwelling on my vanity, I tried to focus on the game.
"You know Gary, comments like that really expose your ignorance about sports. It
will never be the Hawks' year! First round of the playoffs and they're gone, just like
they have been since the beginning of time. Besides, Cleveland has the championship
wrapped up."
"Whatever," he shouted back.
I took a long draft of my beer, dropped down in front of the VID and lost myself in the
game for a bit. It felt good to get back to something I was familiar with. I felt a bit
more like my old self. I drained my beer and like magic Gary was there with yet another
and different beer. This one was from Germany. It was almost sweet. It was thick and
opaque. The name was Hacker-Pschorr.
Atlanta was driving the ball well, and shooting outside VERY well. But they couldn't
get it to drop inside and if you couldn't do that against Chicago then you were going to
lose! So, after a bit, I started rooting for Chicago.
Gary brought me yet another beer just before I was finished with the Hacker-Pschorr.
I shot Gary a curious glance. "How the hell do know when I'm ready for another?"
"It's the mark of good waiter dudette."
"Oh," Then I noticed the smell. "You weren't kidding about those steaks
were you?" "Nope. Did you think I was?"
"Well, come on. Most people only have steak only once or twice in a lifetime. You
just seemed so cavalier about it. I just assumed you were joking. Hell Gary, I've never
had a real steak."
"Well that's all about to change. Soon you will be a virgin no more," he said
and blushed a bit with that. I couldn't help myself. The comment made me smile. It also
seemed to help lighten the mood a bit more. He tried to recover by adding, "And I
haven't even started cooking them yet. That's just the marinade you smell. You want to see
what I'm doing in there?"
I was taken by surprise... That smell wasn't meat cooking?
"Hell yeah, I missed your show at breakfast this morning." I got up and
started to make my way to the kitchen.
Gary hung back to turn off the VID. At least that's all I thought he was going to do.
When I looked back to see if he was coming, I caught him eyeing my rear end with wide
eyes. I turned my head before he saw that I was looking at him. I didn't want to
complicate the evening by making him feel bad. Things were going so well now and I was
feeling so good I didn't want to ruin it and go back to the way things had been earlier.
Besides, I had gotten my complement. I was satisfied.
In the kitchen, Gary had all sorts of pots and pans steaming and sizzling on the
stovetop. The oven was on and I could see a dark glass dish inside but could not tell what
he had cooking in it. As I got closer to the stove, I could see that there were, in fact,
no steaks cooking on the stove. Instead, there seemed to some sort of fish in a pan
covered with what appeared to be grated potatoes.
"Hey, that's not steak," I said sounding a bit disappointed.
"Oh boy, nothing gets past you, does it? I said I wasn't cooking them yet, the
steaks are right here." He pointed to a clear glass dish on the counter. It had two
round pieces of meat about two inches high and four inches across. They were floating is
some nasty thick brown liquid.
"Those are Filet Mignons my dear friend. And the marinade is my recipe. Those get
cooked on the grille out back."
"My God Gary, this is a lot of food! I can't eat all this. Even as a guy, I
couldn't have eaten all this. I'm just a bit smaller now, in case you haven't
noticed."
"So eat what you feel comfortable eating and leave the rest."
"Leave steak? You've got to be kidding!"
"OK, then don't eat the salmon then," he said and turned to dig in the
refrigerator for something.
"Salmon! Is that Salmon?" My head snapped back to the covered dish near the
stove, "I love salmon. How can you get away with this Gary? Won't your parents be
mad?" I asked as he handed me another beer.
He considered my question as he did he pulled a bottle from a rack over the sink,
uncorked it and poured himself a glass of wine. "They pretty much let me indulge my
cooking fetish whenever I want." He said and then took a sip of wine, "Dad wants
me to go to work for him as a chef. He has offered to pay my way to the New York School of
Culinary Arts. I just can't see leaving home just yet. Not my folks house but the place
where all my friends are."
I was confused, "You like this stupid little town? Man, I'd do anything to get
out."
"Really?" He sounded dismayed. "You could just leave your folks, your
friends just like that?"
"My folks left me behind to grieve three years ago and never came back. As for my
friends, yeah, I'd miss you but I we could keep in touch and hook up from time to time.
But, I could leave." I took a deep pull on my beer. I was starting to get drunk, but
I didn't care. I was finally feeling good and didn't want anything to come between that
feeling and me for the rest of the weekend.
Now that the beer had loosened my tongue, I wanted to talk. I started to break the ice
with my goals for the future.
"My fantasy, my goal now is that the band makes it. That the demo chip we keep
sending off finally hits. That I wake up one morning and hear my voice blaring out of some
radio speaker in a grocery store or in a bar some place when I'm out with you and Kit and
Frank. Man, that would be the living limit. Then I'm off dude." "That would be
cool. I have to admit I would like saying that I'm best friends with a famous
singer." Gary admitted.
"Yeah," I said and gulped another draft of beer. "I'm a singin'
fool." I started to belt out "Killer Highway" I got through the first two
verses and realized that although I was in perfect pitch I was also singing about two
octaves too high.
I stopped. I was crushed. I could tell I looked dejected, and I tried not to for Gary's
sake but I just couldn't help it.
"What's wrong?" Gary asked. "You sounded great! You sounded better then
than I've ever heard you before."
"Gee thanks," I mumbled and stumbled off in to the living room.
"Hey, wait! What did I say?" He asked. He seemed at a loss for my mood swing.
He followed me out to the living room.
"Nothing, I'm OK. It's just hard to take the idea that she's
a better singer then I am."
"She is you. You bring the talent to the body, not the other way around." He
stepped around in front of me and took my shoulders, but I wouldn't look up him. "I
don't think it would matter what body you were in."
"Look Gary, that's a nice sentiment but I know it's not true. What just came out
of my throat was programmed to sound that way. She's..." I was looking at Gary's
face; it had gone slack and waxy again. He was hypnotized. And then it hit me. My heart
started to pump harder in my chest. I could feel it shaking my boobs. "I mean, I'm a
better singer than Mike was. It just surprised me that's all."
My mind instantly started screaming, MIKE WAS??? What do you mean was? I'm
right here you bitch! I'm still here. Don't you bury me. But somehow the conscious me
simply ignored the panic below and continued.
"I guess I just got a little flipped out that I suddenly sounded so different and
good. It's not what I'm used to hearing come out of my mouth, that's all." I took a
step toward him. "Good thing I didn't turn out to be a blonde huh?" I said and
giggled as I moved even closer to him. My heart was now pounding, trying to hammer its way
out of my ribcage.
"See, it didn't take me nearly as long to get over the shock this time. I'm
getting better at this." I was now only about a foot way from him and I couldn't take
my eyes off his. Gary had said nothing to me in return. I took one final step forward and
closed the remaining distance between us. When I did, I stumbled over one of his big feet
and fell into him.
We both went crashing to the floor. The thud was tremendous! It shook shelves and books
and furniture and things all over house. We waited in silence, I on top of him, both
listening and waiting for the house to come crashing down on us. But the noise subsided.
When it did we both burst out laughing. I could feel the last of the tension we had been
under the last twenty-four hours drifting away. It really felt good.
"You really have to lose some weight girl," he said with an evil grin.
"Me! I bet I don't weight more that a hundred and ten. You're the one who weighs a
ton my massive, burly friend."
We laughed again but neither of us moved. As the laughter died, I just lay there on top
of him looking down at him. Smelling him. Feeling him under me, and my body started
reacting.
"Well, are you going to let me up?" he asked.
I said something that surprised me as much as it surprised Gary I think.
"No."
"Huh?"
"I said 'no.' What part of 'no' do you not understand?" I regarded him
questioningly.
I pushed up off his chest and was now straddling his waist with my legs. Not very
lady-like I know but I was new to this game. What was really new were these feelings I was
having, the sensations my body was trying to sell me.
I was getting wet in the crotch, badly wet. My body seemed to know what to do to help
with this. It told me to squirm down on Gary's waist more. The feeling was unbelievably
warm and exciting. I could feel my nipples tighten within my bra.
Gary's eyes looked as though they were going to pop right out of their sockets.
"What are you doing?"
"Feeling good. You do want me to feel good don't you?"
"Mike," he started to say as I leaned over and put my hand over his mouth.
"Nope. He's not here. Look around, do you see him anywhere?"
He shook his head no but his eyes were still wide open. I scrunched down again on his
pelvis and moaned a little with the waves of pleasure. Beneath me, I could feel something
in Gary's pants that was struggling to get out and meet what was in mine.
"Oooooo! Something down there's trying to escape." I could feel him smile
under my hand. I sat back up and gyrated my hips again. It was suddenly very hot in that
house. Gary had turned the air off but boy it felt like the heat was on now. I reached
down and grabbed the hem of the sweater I was wearing and yanked it off.
I looked down at Gary looking up at me or rather my breasts. And I said to him
"You see something you like?"
"Mi..." he tried again and I cut him off.
"Ah," I warned and I saw resignation in his eyes.
"Michelle, we shouldn't do this," he said in a shaky voice.
"Why? What can we hurt? Besides, you were the one who said that our bodies make us
what we are, how we behave, and that I should pay attention to the signals that my body
sends me. Remember that?"
He nodded again. "This isn't what I meant, though," he countered, but he was
fighting with himself-his body-and it seemed he was losing the war.
"You also said that in most cases our bodies knew what was right and that it might
be impossible to resist the signals."
"Here help me off with this thing." He was shaking his head no, but when I
took his hands in mine and slowly guided them up my sides to where the bra was, there was
no resistance. I shivered as he caressed my skin. He paused for just a moment and then
began working with the clasp in back. After a short time he undid the clasp and the bra
hung free on my shoulders. I gently allowed it to slide down my arms and tossed it aside.
Gary's hands gently worked their way around to my front. He gently cupped my breasts and
gave them a soft squeeze.
"Huuuhhhh" I exhaled a hard shuddering breath as the first electric wave hit
me and I involuntarily lowered my head with its force. My fingers dug into Gary's arms as
another wave hit me hard. My breath was coming in short shudders now. I could feel Gary's
member still trying to break through his pants. That idea scared and thrilled me at the
same time. I pushed down with my hips on his crotch, forcing my butt backward. That was
met by another wave of electricity this time from below. This jolt was different, it was
instantly addictive and I pushed down harder.
When I had pushed down and back as far as I could, I kind of wiggle-walked back up
Gary's body to start over. There was something in my pants that was tight and hard now too
-- and it wanted to be touched. Gary was right. Our bodies send us signals and we are the
robots compelled to obey the signals. We do not control, but are the controlled.
Gary's hands were still on my breasts working them harder. I began to wonder if Gary
was getting any stimulation from this and that was when he took me by the hips and forced
me back as I had been doing when I was trying to stimulate myself through my shorts. Gary
now ran his hands over my body, the sensation made my breath come in short jabbing
breaths.
I couldn't take it any longer. Using my legs, I lifted my rear end off Gary and started
to work on his pants clasp. Once it got it opened, I unzipped them and started to force
his pants and underwear down. He helped by lifting his butt and pumped his legs to add to
the shedding effect. Once his pants and briefs were off, Gary's little bishop was standing
at full attention. I eased myself back down just in front of it. It now occurred to me
that behind me was my best friend's penis. My former self screamed that this was not only
unnatural and but also a very dangerous situation. You're a MAN for God's sake STOP
this! But the fire in my body refused to listen.
Gary was working with the waistband of my shorts. His hands were working the button at
the back I felt it release and his fingers went to the zipper. He slowly worked the zipper
down, working one hand into my shorts feeling the satiny texture of my panties as he did.
I scooted back just a bit making my rear stroke his still stiff member. With that, he
jerked the zipper down and started folding the waistband of the shorts down toward my
legs. He stared stroking my mid section, working my underwear down trying to get at the
prize.
I suddenly remembered what it was that had always given me a rush when sex was close at
hand. I reached behind me and squeezed Gary hard. I could feel him stiffen even harder.
My mind was a blur. I can't tell you what I was thinking, only that I was happier than
I ever had been before in my life. I never clearly understood what it meant when a woman
told me she was "wet," but the revelation is enormous. It's more than a physical
state. It's more than something that happens in your crotch. It happens in a girl's head,
her lips and her breasts. If you touch her hips when she's wet, she'll gasp. If you stroke
her hair when she's wet, she'll feel faint. Tell her that you love her when she's wet and
she'll belong to you. It's happens on an emotional level that men are only be able to
dream of but never experience.
Gary ordered me to get up. It was so abrupt that I simply obeyed. He reached up and
pulled off my undone shorts and panties. As he did this, I began to feel a bit uneasy. I
was now up and away from the heat. And even though my body was still singing like a
high-tension wire, clearer thoughts were beginning to prevail. I was having sex, dangerous
sex with my best friend. I was not a woman, not born a woman, yet here I was attempting
vaginal sex. I was out of control. Did I want to do this, really want to do this?
I really want to do this. Was the answer that came back and I eased myself down on to
Gary. I felt the head of his member on my genitals and I tensed. There was resistance I
could feel the folds of flesh part but when he tried to penetrate me I felt pain. It
wasn't bad but it was unexpected. I hadn't thought that this was going to hurt. I was
suddenly unsure of what we were doing here. I wanted off. I didn't want to do this any
more. Gary was pressing down on my hips trying to ease me down onto him.
I put my hands on his chest, "Um... Um... Gary, it hurts."
"It's OK, you're a virgin. It won't hurt long"
"No... Please, I'm scared."
"I've got you. Don't worry," he said and pressed me back down.
I remembered saying the same thing myself to girls I had slept with. I had said it to
the Klingon herself when I took her virginity. Gary was to the point where he wanted sex
at any cost. I didn't want to disappoint him. I wanted him to ... I don't know, approve?
Like me? I guess I just wanted him when you get right down to it. The need for me at that
moment in time was to have him near me, in me to say that he's got me and to feel as if he
truly did. It was true, he did have me. He held my heart in his very hands. He could have
done anything to me at that moment, asked any deed and I would have complied with it. It
was a need to please him that ran so deep within me that I could not fathom it's depth.
As he did, the pain came back and then I felt myself part and Gary glide in to my body.
There was a moment of brief, sharp but bearable pain and then it was fading. With his
hands still on my hips he eased me down the rest of the way. I was flush with his pelvis
and he was inside me. As scared as I was with that idea suddenly I was filled with a peace
that I still cannot describe. We had done it. I had done it. I was almost proud of myself.
I could see that Gary was happy. That made my heart sing with all the joy in the world. He
was mine and more importantly, I had become his most important possession. I was his sun
and moon. I brought the tides to him on the soft sandy beaches, I kissed his feet gently
with their soft and warm lapping waters and he loved me for it. Loved me.
My body was somewhere on a different plain but still deliciously connected to me. The
friction was so much more intense than I had experienced as a male. The sensations were
coming from everywhere. My breasts, my nipples had hardened into tight little pebbles.
Each time Gary stroked them, warm waves of electricity were sent through me. The sensation
sent warmth and an excited feeling into my groin. The walls of my vagina were very
sensitive, sending a constant stream of pleasure to my body.
With Gary's help and the distracting sensations from my body, I had forgotten about the
brief pain. It was gone, a distant memory. I started rubbing my crotch back and forth
against Gary's pelvis. The shock waves that came back each time were stronger than
anything I had ever felt when I had been a man. I honestly thought I was having an orgasm.
But the waves got bigger and bigger, and soon I was out of breath and was bearing down
hard on Gary. He didn't seem to mind. His hands were pumping me back and forth and forcing
me down even harder. My hands, which had been on his chest, were digging into his flesh.
The sensations became so strong that I felt like I would pass out. With each new level
of intensity, my hips pumped harder and faster. This only increased the intensity of the
shock waves again and the cycle fed on itself. I was briefly aware of a warmth and
slickness inside of me and Gary started to grunt a bit. His thrusting became a bit less
rhythmic. He's coming! Good! Hehhhhhhh
Maybe I can catch my breath.
I couldn't stop. Like the old joke, the waves of pleasure just kept coming and coming.
Then I was rocked. My vision blurred and my eyelids were forced closed by some chemical
reaction in my body. I had no control over it. I seemed to have lost a great deal more
bodily functions that just my eyes. All the muscles in my body were contracting, almost
having spasms. For the third time in twenty-four hours, I couldn't breathe. Only this time
I wasn't complaining.
I was dimly aware that I was no longer pumping against Gary. The sweat was pouring down
my body. I was shuddering from the passing effects of my orgasm. I was no longer in any
doubt. That was an orgasm, an orgasm roughly the size of Godzilla, with great big hairy
teeth.
I was beginning to understand why I sometimes heard that some women work hard to
control them. Some women, I had heard, are even afraid to let themselves have one. The
only way I can begin to explain it is this way: From the male perspective, an orgasm is
great, we live for them, orgasms and food...give us some of each every day and we won't
wander far from home. But I had read that some people have equated an orgasm with near
death experiences. I never understood that philosophy until that very moment. Now I could
easily see how someone might expect to see a long tunnel and feel one's self separating
from one's own body with sensations like I had just felt.
My head was hanging over Gary's. My hair, which I had always felt was very pretty, was
now stringy and oily with sweat. I noticed this but didn't care. I was trying to recover
from being electrocuted.
Gary was panting below me. "You OK?"
I nodded my head Yes, thought about it and then shook it No.
Gary laughed at that.
"You," huh... huh... "ought to"' huh... huh... "feel that!
Whew!"
"I'll have to take your word for it. You want to go again?"
I shook my head No again and whispered, "Yes." I'm not sure Gary ever came
during our second parlay. This time he teased me by bringing up to the point where he
could see I was about to peak and then would stop and ease me back down only to take the
roller coaster back up to the top of the hill again. After an eternity of this I begged
him to finish me off, "Go ahead and kill me! Kill me now, please!" He did, but
only after two more trips around the track on Gary's roller coaster of pleasure. When I
climbed off Gary, I was a train wreck.
I was lying on the floor letting my body enjoy the moment of peace that had come over
me when I was disturbed by a most unexpected feeling. It felt as if something was leaking
out of me. I sat up and looked at myself. That's no good. I can't see anything from
here. I scooted back to check the spot where I was sitting, Yuck! Well it brought me
back to reality. I got up and put my underwear back on. (Master-you wanted to add more
here about it running down her cheek Mercy. lol)
"Where are you going?" Gary asked.
"Got to clean up and get dressed." I wanted a towel. I didn't want Gary to
see the mess that I had left on his carpet. "I want that steak now."
"Oh shit! The steaks, I gotta take them out of the marinade." He got up,
paused, looked at me and suddenly kissed me. "That was beautiful," he said.
"I wanted you to know that," and he kissed me again. Then, pulling on his
underwear and jeans, he raced into the kitchen. The thought warmed me to the core of my
soul.
I floated into the bathroom and looked around for that towel. And of course, once
again, I found my reflection in the mirror, but this time there was complete recognition.
There was no surprise at the face staring back at me. I knew that it was my face. And the
first thought that came to mind seemed just as natural as it could possibly have been, Damn
girl, you look like someone just slipped you the worm. The thought made me grin just
a bit. So that's what all the fuss is about, huh? The thoughts came in the first
person and the voice in my head was no longer the voice of Mike Vello but the voice I now
heard when I opened my mouth. The idea was no longer troublesome. I couldn't deny it any
longer... I was falling in love with Gary.
I sat on the toilet and peed and then washed my hands and face and rinsed my hair. I
toweled off the remaining "yek" and took the towel out to the living room,
dropping it on the wet spot. I picked up the bra and slipped it on, then picked up my
shorts and examined them. They seemed OK; I guess the panties took most of the punishment.
I slipped them on and zipped them up. Then I slipped the sweater back on.
I should have felt very strange. As a heterosexual man who had just had sex with his
best friend, I would have. But that's not what happened. It was heterosexual sex all right
and for some reason, all my fear and apprehension about this body seemed to be completely
gone. I felt completely normal and at home in here. Don't get me wrong; I still wanted
tomorrow to come for all the same reasons. I still wanted to be my self again just as
badly, but that feeling of desperation was gone. The fear and loathing at what I had
become was gone, replaced with a satisfaction of who I had become, however
temporary.
I slipped on my shoes and made my way to the living room. There I mashed the towel into
the wet spot with my shoes to dry it up.
From the kitchen, I could hear the sounds of water running and things frying. The first
smells of the evening meal came floating out of the kitchen and hung in the air in
delicate aromas that made my stomach growl. I tried to ignore my hunger so my stomach
simply growled harder, hurting a bit this time.
Ggggrrrooowwwlllll!
"Ouch! Wow, I must have really worked up an appetite." As if in response my
stomach growled again.
GGGGRRRROOOOWWWWLLLLL!
"Ow!" OK, OK, I'll feed you. Stay calm. Oh man, death by hunger pains.
"Gary!" I shouted. I left the towel on the floor to help dry the spot and headed
off to the kitchen. "Do you have something I can snack on until dinner's ready?"
I went in the kitchen in anticipation of a snack. He looked a bit stricken that I would
want to spoil my appetite.
"Can't you wait? This is a masterpiece. You should be hungry when you sit down to
eat this."
The force of the next one nearly doubled me over.
GGGGRRRROOOOWWWWLLLLL!
"Oooo! How hungry should I be?"
"Was that you? I'm sorry; I guess you haven't eaten since breakfast. You see, you
should have let me fix you something for lunch."
Gary surprised me by kissing me again and then turned his attention away from the stove
and to the refrigerator, as he did he asked me, "Watch that for me, will ya?"
"Me? Gary you know I don't know anything about that," I said backing out of
the kitchen. "I'll be OK, really. See I'm all done growling."
GGGGRRRROOOOWWWWLLLLL!
"Ow!" I exclaimed, doubling over a little.
"Just watch the fish, make sure it doesn't turn black on the bottom. If it starts
to, turn it over on the other side with that flat thing there." He pointed to a
spatula as he rifled through the fridge. I didn't want to burst his bubble but I did know
what a spatula was. I had used one on many occasions to scrape the plates in my sink clean
before I reused them.
I poked under the fish with the utensil and checked the color of the potato-covered
fish. It was starting to turn a light brown color. OK, That's not black. This ain't so
hard. I stared humming. It was a tune my sister liked; one my grandparents had taught
her, called Crazy On You an old song I had heard from time to
time from some band called Hart.
The fish became golden brown. Since I had had good food in the past and I had seen
commercials advertising the virtues of all things 'Golden Brown,' I made an
executive decision. I turned the first filet. I then decided to turn the other one. It too
was a golden brown.
See, I can do this. Cool.
I looked around to see how Gary was doing with the snack.
He was just standing there confused, staring at me. "What? Were you going to just
let me burn it?" I gestured to the pan where the fish was frying.
"Did you hear yourself?" He seemed to be in a state of complete disbelief.
"Did you even know you were singing?"
"That bad huh?" I asked, hoping that it wasn't.
"No! No! Not at all! It was like listening to an enhanced version of the original.
My folks have that on chip. I love listening to the guitar lick up front. But you sounded
like the way I would have thought that singer, Ah... what was her name.
"Anne Wilson."
"YEAH! Just like Anne Wilson. Ooo shit, watch it."
He shoved past me, grabbing the spatula as he went and started turning the fish. The
subject was dropped for the time being. I didn't really know what to think about it at the
time, but I didn't forget.
Gary continued to work on the meal as I made my way over to the table where Gary had
laid out some sort of gray ball of some meat like substance and some crackers. I eyed it
with caution. I wasn't sure I really wanted to try it. It looked as though it might have
spoiled. But my brain was communicating with my stomach with out my approval and my
stomach let me know that there was nothing to think about. Act now, it growled or
face the consequences. I spread a small portion of the mystery meat on the cracker,
took a sniff and decided it was safe and popped it in my mouth.
It had the rich and musty meaty flavor of liver and was heavily spiced. I had never
liked liver but this had a sweetness to it that was very good. I may not be a cook but I
do know flavor and this was good. No not good, great.
I snacked until my friend the stomach was satisfied and peaceful. Then, I helped Gary
finish the meal by running errands and fetching things he needed while he cooked. When I
wasn't doing things to help out I was at his side, my arm snaked around his waist watching
intently as he worked. His concentration on the food never wavered except when he stopped
to peck me on the cheek. His timing was flawless. It was as if he had a timer for each
item he was cooking ticking away in his head. One would go off telling him the steaks had
to be flipped, another would tell him that the vegetables on the grill needed to be
turned. It was like watching a conductor organize a huge symphony.
All the parts of Gary's "Symphony for Surf and Turf" came to a staggering
crescendo at once and he declared it a perfectly timed success. The fish was crisp in its
jacket of golden potato shreds. It was served in a small pool of tomato sauce with some
dill in it, I think. It was the most perfect fish I had ever eaten.
The steak was -- well -- I can see why people make so much of having a steak. It was
soft and tender. At first, I thought that it was not cooked but Gary explained that it was
best served a little rare. This was a lot rare, but it was warm and juicy in the center
and the sauce he had poured over it was wonderful. My teeth sank through it with out any
resistance from the meat. The flavor exploded in my mouth and I chewed it slowly, enjoying
taste.
Gary had grilled an assortment of fresh vegetables and I tasted them with some
trepidation as I had never been large on veggies. Of course, I had had them on pizza from
time to time, or on the meatless burgers I got at some of the fast food joints, but, as a
kid, I had gotten used to not liking them. Yet, I wanted to please Gary, to show him how
much I appreciated what he had done for me by preparing this meal, so I politely tried
them, convinced I would like these as little as others I had tried in the past. I was
happily surprised. These were not the washed out, soggy veggies I remembered from my Mom's
kitchen. The carrots were sweet and crisp. The broccoli was a rich, vibrant green and
tasted fresh. There were also pieces of yellow squash, rich tasting roasted red peppers
and bits of seasoned red potatoes.
Each piece of the meal was an harmonic chord in the symphony. I had never eaten such
exquisite food before. If the sex had been unexpectedly great, the meal was orgasmic.
It was a lot of food and we ate every last morsel. As we ate, we talked about nothing
and everything. I tried to coax Gary into the open about his hopes for the future. I was
pretty sure he did have plans, but each time I tried, he artfully dodged the issue or
changed the subject. He handled it the same way he always did when the subject had come up
in the past. When you're with other friends, it's easy to make a joke of it and have
everyone else laugh it off for you, but there in the intimacy of the kitchen it wasn't
quite so easy.
Gary said he was just as happy to go on for a few more years just "kickin'"
around and having fun. He said that just getting over on everyone else was enough
satisfaction for him right now. He was sure that something would present itself to him
before long. It seemed to work for everyone else.
He did admit that his dad had been pushing him to follow in the restaurant business.
From tonight's performance, I could see why. But Gary told me that he was concerned about
the business end of things. Sure, he felt could prepare any dish in the place with more
flare and better flavor than any of the other chefs that his dad ever hired, maybe better
than dear old Dad himself. He had a talent for it and he knew that But he had been a
terrible student in school and he was afraid that he wouldn't be able to handle the
business end of things.
I tried to tell him that his dad didn't expect him to know how to run the entire
business all at once. He would have to learn how it was done and he had to dive in and
just do it if he was going to learn.
"Mostly Gary, I think it's a matter of learning how not to drown rather than
learning how to swim."
"But what if I lose the restaurants?" he asked
"Restaurants? There's more than one?" I was surprised.
"Yeah, Dad opened number two and three last week. That's why they left for a
little vacation. He's all done in from trying to get the other two off and running while
managing the first one." Gary's statement told me that there were things that I
didn't know about his life. There had once been a time when the two of us knew everything
there was to know about each other and I realized that was no longer true. How could I
have missed all that? How was it that I had missed such a large chunk of his history? It
made me a little sad to think that our friendship had somehow become so distant and I
never had a clue.
Gary continued. "If I screw that up, then Dad would be crushed. He built that
place up from nothing, Michelle."
I smiled a shy smile. When we had started, I honestly felt that neither one of us were
going to get used to that name, but it rolled off of his tongue easily and sat comfortably
there between us. That was my name. There was nothing odd about it any longer.
"I don't think I could handle disappointing him like that. It would kill
him."
"Gary, don't you think that he would be more disappointed if you failed to do
something with your life because you didn't try? I'm sure that's all he really wants for
you. If you didn't try the restaurant thing but did something you wanted to do, successful
or not, I'm sure he'd be happy. But he knows you like to cook, maybe he's just trying to
offer you something where your talents lie."
"I'm scared, Michelle." He had said that like we had always been this way. It
was as if I had been the girl next door and like a hundred times before, we were bearing
our souls to each other.
"I know you are. I have a little experience with fear too." He smiled at that
and it warmed my heart. I finally had something to contribute to the team. "But as
you said; if you let the fear kill the experience, how can you possibly walk away with
anything positive at the end?"
I could see him turning that over in his mind. Before this weekend I had never seen him
show that he cared about anything. I misjudged him-we all had. All this time we had simply
assumed Gary had no motivation when in fact, he was simply afraid and that wasn't too much
of a sin. We're all afraid from time to time. I felt hope for his soul.
Although his confidence about dealing with his father's business still needed some
strengthening, he loosened up some and began to talk about his ideas for the place as if
he were in charge. The conversation was light and fun. We bounced ideas off of each other.
Some were pretty silly but some seemed to make a whole lot of sense and it was great to
see Gary's eyes light up as he made mental notes of the best of our ideas.
Then the light in his eyes darkened and his face seemed to cloud over. His jaw dropped
open and he looked truly worried.
"What's wrong now?" I asked good-naturedly. I was convinced he had discovered
another reason why he would fail. Sometimes Gary's lack of confidence was his worst enemy.
At first, I didn't think he had heard me because he didn't answer me. So I asked him
again, and this time it was clear that something was troubling him.
At last he looked at me and said, "Nothing. Nothing is wrong, why?"
"Why? You just looked like the whole damned world was about to come to end, that's
why. Is it something I should know about Gary?"
"It's nothing, really," he said again, but I could tell he wasn't convinced.
He sure as hell wasn't convincing me at least. He gave up trying to conceal 'it' once he
saw I wasn't going to give up on the issue.
"That little romp in there," he said pointing to the living room and I smiled
at the memory of it. "That was beautiful. I think I need to say that before I
continue."
"Are you asking if we can do it again?" I said with a sly smile on my face.
"Ah, no," he responded. I was a little surprised and I must have looked hurt
because he added. "Not that I don't want to. I do. Really. But what I want to tell
you is this. I have to assume that all your plumbing is in good working order, probably
more functional than that of most women. Genetic perfection. Remember?"
It didn't take long to figure out where he was going with this.
"God-damn it!" It was all I could think to say. "What do we do?" I
was once again on the edge of panic. "You don't think that I could be..."
I could feel the blood run from my face. "Pregnant!" I whispered and
then thought, Oh God, you don't think this could be permanent do you?
"That would be my first guess." His tone was low and his words were grim.
"Gary?" I looked at him. I could feel my eyes fill with tears.
"Don't loose it. OK? Don't get upset. We don't know anything yet."
I nodded yes but my heart wasn't in it. My hand went to my stomach and rubbed it.
Oh shit! Pregnant! You just couldn't keep your damn legs together! I scolded
myself.
My heart skipped a beat. Hell, half a dozen beats.
"I guess in the morning we'll have to get a pregnancy test. We can get one of
those blood testers; they'll show if you're pregnant after only ten hours. Before that
there's no way to tell."
We sat at the table considering our actions. I felt stupid. This was my body now,
hopefully for just a few more hours, but mine nonetheless. And I should have been more
careful. Once again, the pressures of being female versus male were brought to bear on me
and my heart went out to women everywhere.
The responsibility always seems to fall on the woman. As a man, I had been guilty of
the same mentality myself; always assuming that since she could get pregnant, she should
be taking the precautions to prevent it from happening. But hell, I was new at this and
deep down inside, I was just a little pissed off at Gary because his vantage point in this
situation was just the same as mine had always been. He could have worn a condom or pulled
out or something.
"What are you thinking?" Uh oh! It showed!
"I guess I'm just a little upset with you," I admitted, opting to be honest
with him. "I know I shouldn't be. It's my body, and I clearly remember seducing you
to start with. But..." I stopped. As I said it out loud, the excuse for my anger
seemed lame.
"But what?" He didn't seem angry, curious.
"But... it sounds lame so just forget it."
"No, I want to hear what you're thinking. Please, tell me."
The sincerity in his eyes dug at me and for the first time I found myself melting
instead watching him melt. That worried me. I knew I was finally becoming female,
completely female inside as well as out. In the way I was thinking, in the way I was
feeling and in who I was finding attractive.
"I'm new at this. I know I should stop and think about things before I act but I'm
just too used to being a guy and reacting as a guy. I never had to worry about being pregnant
before. But, in the past, you and I have both had to deal with concerns about getting the
women we've slept with pregnant. I kinda feel you should have been in charge of that I
guess, and now we have THIS situation. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know I
was just as responsible, but the only one that pays the price here if we fucked up is me
-- and that hurts just a little."
He sat and thought about what I had just laid on him. I thought he was finally just
going to get mad and tell me how I had gotten it all screwed up and turned around, but he
didn't. He got up and came around to where I was sitting. Stepping behind me, he placed
his hands firmly on my shoulders, beginning to massage them gently. I could feel my
tension loosen and fly away a bit at a time.
"I'm not much in the idea department. I guess I should have thought of some
protection. I never meant to hurt you or take advantage of you and if for some reason you
think I've done something that..." I stiffened at the prospect of the idea he was
suggesting and I guess he felt it. "...well, I'm sure we haven't but if I ever did,
I'd stick with you and make it right. And if I couldn't make it right, I'd at least make
it the best that I could."
I reached up and took one of his hands in mine. I squeezed hard and he squeezed back.
We didn't say anything else for a while.
We would just have to wait out the ten hours but Gary had made it somewhat more
bearable. It wasn't right yet and I was deeply scared that we had done something that
would trap me in this skin, but what else could we do.
We cleaned up the kitchen. We didn't say much. Conversation was limited to where things
went, what to throw out and what to save.
He insisted that I sit and relax. He handed me another beer but I no longer wanted it.
The stuff had caused enough trouble for now.
I went into the living room, resolved to watch TV for a while. There on the floor was
the towel that I had dropped on the floor to sop up... well you know. It was a grim
reminder of what we had enjoyed and possibly everything it had cost me as well.
I picked up the towel and took it back to the bathroom. I searched around for a laundry
bin and found it in the linen closet. I dumped the towel in the hamper and made my way
back to the living room slowly. My mind was a confusion of thoughts and regrets.
I was starting feeling revulsion at the idea that I had just copulated with a man. Not
an hour and a half earlier it had seemed perfectly natural to me. Then the idea of
pregnancy had crept into the conversation and something had changed. A part of me that was
being dominated by who I had become had woken up. The girl was no longer able to hold sway
over the boy I guess.
I left the bathroom and stopped in the hall. With my back to the wall, I slumped
against it, overwhelmed by a thousand different emotions. I slowly slid down the wall
until I was sitting on the floor, my knees pulled up in front of me.
What the hell had I done?
And Oh yes. It was you. There was all that delicious rubbing, remember? Oh God, It
was so easy because it was the words of a friend coming from the face of a stranger. Who
would have found out? You could indulge your weird fantasy with no judgment, no
repercussions, with no thought to the workings of the machine.
I put my head in my hands and rested the backs of my hands on my knees. That's where
Gary found me.
"Hey, are you OK?" Gary asked. I could hear him kneel down next to me.
"Oh yeah, I'm cool. How are you Dad?" I looked up at him and tried to smile.
But I think my remark shocked him into reality a bit more than I had intended.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
"No, you're right. I guess we need to think about what's going to happen
if..."
"I don't want to," I said pouting. "The way my luck has been running
Gary, I'm pregnant. And that means I'm stuck too. I'm gonna be like this forever. I just
know it. I can feel it in my heart and I want to die!"
He allowed himself to slip down beside me and there we sat for a long time, hip-to-hip,
silently. There just wasn't anything to say.
Occasionally, I would allow my hand to slide down and gently rub the belly of the body
that was now very likely mine for good as I tried to feel something moving in there. My
mind told me that there was nothing there to feel, not yet anyway. But it was the not
knowing; the possibility that I might confirm or deny my fate and spare myself the
suffering of the hours to come, or perhaps rejoice that had yet a second chance to be male
again...the idea that perhaps my foolish actions and impulsive behavior had not yet sealed
me in the body of a girl.
From time to time, he would grunt or sigh. I could tell something was on his mind but I
wasn't really interested in asking him what might have been bothering him and he seemed
equally as happy not sharing these tidbits with me. At times, I imagined that he might be
mad at me for tempting him with sex. I was certainly mad at myself for that very reason.
As if he could sense this, he occasionally reached up with one hand and rub my neck and
shoulders gently, I didn't stop him, the contact was comforting.
I finally broke the silence by asking Gary a stupidly innocent question. "Can you
please tell me everything is going to work out? That everything is going to be all
right?"
He looked over at me and said nothing.
"I didn't think so."
When he did speak, it was in the form of a chilling omission that clearly betrayed his
feelings on my chances.
"I'm sorry," he said. He seemed close to tears. I didn't want to start crying
again too, so I looked away.
"I just don't know what else to tell you. I want to reassure you that everything
will be OK, but I don't want to lead you to believe one thing and find out in the
morning..."
"That I'm trapped?"
"That, and the possibility that you're going to be a mother."
I could imagine that the gasp from my mouth could be heard outside on the street.
Not once had I thought about having to push a child out of my body, but Gary had.
"I..." I swallowed hard. "I can't have a baby Gary! I just can't!"
I squeezed my legs together and clamped them together by wrapping my arms around them at
the knees as if to keep what might be in me, in there forever.
"Look I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up but I felt that it might be better
to ease you in to the idea rather than turn that light on after a positive pregnancy test.
I figure if that happens you're less likely to become hysterical.
"It's not just you either. If you're pregnant, I'm the father. This is something I
never really expected us to share, so I'm having a bit of trouble with the idea too."
"You're not the father of anything," I retorted sharply. "The guy who's
the father won't even exist after tomorrow and I'll be stuck here with his child growing
in me. Then, in nine months I'm going to have to push it out of a hole that's way too
small for it to come out of."
"Look, all I meant was for you to start considering the possibility not thinking
of it as a certainty. There's just as good a chance that you're not pregnant and tomorrow
you're back to your old self right on schedule. You have to try to think positively. If
you start to dwell on what might be, then you're going to go crazy. Frankly I'm surprised
that you haven't lost it already. I have to tell you Michelle, what I was going to say was
that if it had been me that had gotten that skin, I really don't know if I could have
handled it."
I was caught off guard by the omission.
"What about all that talk about learning something from the experience; taking
something with me that I could look back on? Seeing life from two perspectives? Was all
that just lip service? Because if it was then let me clue you in, it helped me cope with
situation." I gestured at my body with my hands to emphasize the totality of it.
"Those pep-talks you gave me are at least partially the reason you got laid
earlier."
I saw him wince at that one and I was immediately sorry I had said it, but God-damn it,
I was beginning to really respect his advice. I didn't want to find out now that he had
said those things just to shut me up or keep me from becoming hysterical. I wanted to
believe that he had cared about the way I felt and was working to make the problem better
for me. In retrospect, I guess that if I had believed otherwise, I probably wouldn't have
wanted to have sex with him either, so, in a way, his thoughts and words had
seduced me. I wanted to believe that he cared about me.
Gary looked over at me clearly upset. "You don't understand. It's easy to give
advice from the outside of any situation. Sometimes the people outside have the clearest
view of what's really wrong. I meant every word of what I said to you. Hell, if you
weren't the friend you are to me I would have left you to stick this out alone. You see I
didn't have any compunction about letting Rod and the others go off on their merry way. If
the situation were reversed, I'm sure you would have been there with the same advice to
help keep me sane."
He was looking at me straight in the eyes. His focus was sharp and locked my eyes with
his. I stared into his eyes as he spoke the words I had wanted to hear. Inside, my stomach
was doing flip-flops and my head was starting to feel dizzy.
You're falling in love with your best friend.
No!
Oh yes you are. Part of it is due to your new body chemistry but the other part is
that you really like this guy.
NO!
You can deny it all day long. But you still feel it. You can't turn that off.
You're just as stuck with that as you are this body, girl.
NO! NO! NO!
YEAH RIGHT!
"Well... good!" I said pulling at the legs of my shorts. I started to get up.
I had to put a little distance between him and me before I did something stupid again.
"Where are you going?" he asked me.
"Nowhere! I... my... my legs were falling asleep." It was a lie but I've
always believed
that when asked a question you should try to answer it.
"You're blushing. Your legs didn't fall asleep. You're embarrassed about
something."
"No. No, I'm not! I was just cramping up sitting like that all wound up in a ball
with my knees pulled up. Really."
"Well you seem better anyway."
"I feel a little better," I said (and I did too.) At least I didn't feel as
panicky as I had felt before.
"Good." Gary put his hand on my shoulder and without thinking about it I
tilted my head and nuzzled it with my cheek. I guess I needed to be touched. He reached
out and drew me in. It was dangerous. He could have taken me and I wouldn't have resisted,
but all he did was hold me.
At length I cried on his chest and he just held me.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and still he just held me. He was warm and strong,
and God help me, it just felt good to be held.
After some time (I'm not sure how long,) I broke the hold. He stood back holding my
shoulders at arm's distance and said, "I guess it's bed time. You and I both need
some rest. To be honest, I would like it you would sleep with me, but that would probably
be bad."
I didn't say anything. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted him to continue holding me,
but I also knew he was right.
At length he said, "You can sleep in the guest-room, the bed's made up and there's
fresh underwear on the dresser. In the morning we'll get the testing kit. You sleep as
long as you want. I'll take care of the rest, OK?"
I stood on my tiptoes and kissed his cheek. His hand went to that cheek as I turned to
the bedroom door and let myself in. "Good night, Gary and thank you for everything. I
mean that. No matter how it turns out tomorrow, I'm grateful. Thanks."
All he said in return was, "Good night."
I closed the door and walked to the bed. I was going to lie down, but once again I saw
my reflection in the mirror over the dresser. Standing sideways, I was struck by the way
my shorts laid flat against my stomach and crotch and my chest protruded out and away from
my body. I still wasn't accustomed to the change in body shape.
Then a thought occurred to me. My hand went to the flat of my stomach and gently
stroked it. What if?
Talk about a change in body shape. I couldn't conceive it. Well, perhaps that was a
poor choice of words. I looked at my face. I knew that if that had happened I was already
trapped and I would be looking out of that face for the rest of my life.
I got undressed, thought briefly about taking a shower and just quickly dismissed the
idea. Instead, I put the clean underwear on and found that Gary had also left a T-shirt,
which I unfolded and slipped over my head.
The cotton was cool against my skin and I reveled in the clean feeling it gave me.
Lying on the bed, I felt certain that sleep would be an elusive creature this night.
-*-
...I was standing in the black void again. That guitar music was filtering back in to
my head. I looked around and but there was nothing to see.
"Hello?" I said. It was my voice, Mike's voice.
I reached with my hands to cup them around my mouth and focus the next call when I
noticed that the limbs were more delicate than the ones I was used to. I stretched then
out in front of me, but they were someone else's arms up the shoulders. Even worse, there
was a very short sleeve girl's shirt where they joined my body. My eyes shot downward and
there were the shorts I had been wearing the night before at Gary's. Beneath the shirt was
my familiar, flat male chest and beneath the shorts the bulge of my male genitals. My hand
went to back and thankfully there was a zipper. Perhaps this is what Erin meant when she
said I would know when and how to remove the mantle.
I tried to work the zipper but all that happed was a tugging at the fabric. I tried to
undo the button but it would not come undone. The shirt seemed to be tucked into the
shorts so I tried to pull it off. But that too was secured to the waistband of the shorts.
I pulled and tugged on the outfit but nothing gave.
As I did these things, I noticed that my chest was growing and my crotch was flattening
out. I had to get this stuff off. But I knew it was useless.
"What are you trying to do baby sister?" the sound of Erin's voice startled
me and I squeaked in surprise as I turned to face her. My voice had now changed as well as
my body.
"You can't get that off now," she said.
"Why not?"
"Because you chose to put it on. Beside it looks good on you. You really fill it
in just right," Erin added.
"But I don't want to fill it in. I don't want to," I cried.
"You sound ashamed of who you are. Why is that?"
"Not who I am, what I am. I want to be Mike again.
"You will always be Mike, but you have also made a conscious decision to stay as
this girl."
"WHAT!" I shouted in complete surprise. "I didn't either. You
tell me what the hell is going on here Erin. If you care for me one little bit, you'll
tell me how to get out of this mess, because if I have to stay like this for more that one
more day, I swear, I'll kill myself." I was furious. This was the only time I had
ever considered speaking to Erin the way I was. Dream or no dream, it wasn't fair. She
wasn't keeping me like this.
She came to me and took my face in her hands. I tried to pull away but she held me firm
and at last I stopped struggling.
"Michelle, you were given a choice to save a friend and thereby save yourself. I
accepted the task of guiding you to the right decision, but that's all I did, guide you.
You made all the decisions yourself." Looking back, I could see that at least, for
what had happened up to this point, she was right. I was responsible for all the final
decisions. I could feel the tears come again.
"Shush, don't cry," She cooed. "It's gonna be alright." She hugged
me.
"But you helped do this to me. My own sister...why?" I asked, with my face in
her shoulder.
"Because, I love you and I didn't want to see you destroyed. By saving Gary you
have saved your own life."
I shoved away from her. "You keep saying that. What the hell is that supposed to
mean?"
She wouldn't answer me.
"No! I won't let this happen." I turned and ran into the blackness of
nothing, my hand trying and failing to pull these women's clothes from my body.
Her voice followed me down into the darkness of my dream. "Michelle, You must go
into the world and not look back. I don't know if we will be permitted to talk again.
Please remember that all of this is because I love you. I have to go and you must face
your future."
-*-
My conversation with Erin was over. I remembered having a dream but for the life of me
couldn't remember what it had been about.
The light of the morning sun coming through the window bathed my face in warmth. I
stretched, sat up in bed and looked again in the mirror. "You still here?" I
asked to the reflection. "Don't you have some place to go girl?"
Naw, I like it here. I think I stay a bit longer. You don't mind, do you?
The thought gave me a little chill.
On the dresser, I noticed that Gary had folded my shorts and added a new top for me to
wear. He had also placed the skirt I had worn out of the warehouse on the dresser next to
the shorts. There was fresh underwear and socks as well.
When did he have the time to do all this? I looked down at the clock on the table and
the digits surprised me.
"Twelve thirty-four. Oh God we have get that test kit."
I grabbed my shorts and the new top -- and looked at them. In the back of my mind was a
memory -- a memory of me in ... something -- I couldn't make it clear enough to see. I
looked over at the skirt but I really didn't want to wear it. That was just too funky. I
decided that the shorts were better, so I threw them on and raced out in to the hallway.
"Gary?"
No answer.
"Anybody there? Hello?"
Fear was trying to creep in just as Gary came bursting in the back door startling me.
"Hey, you're up. Did you sleep well?"
"Whew! You scared me. Yeah, I didn't think I would but I guess I just passed out.
Where the hell did you go?" I asked. I was still shaken about waking up and finding
myself alone. It was then that I noticed the plastic bag he was carrying.
From it, he removed a pink, blue and white box. The lettering on the box said
"SureSpot HPT."
I caught the box when he tossed it to me and held it, trembling. I wasn't sure I really
wanted the truth.
"Well?" Gary was looking at me with raised eyebrows. "I can't take it
for you."
"OK. OK. I'm going," I grumbled and trudged off to the bathroom.
I unpacked the box. Inside, there was the indicator bar, a small plastic box to put it
in until the test was complete and a small sterile needle for extract a droplet of blood.
It took several tries to get enough blood to make the test accurate. When I was done, I
placed the indicator bar in the clear plastic box and waited. The minutes passed and
nothing happened.
There was a knock on the door. "Any news?" Gary asked poking his head in the
door. We sat and watched. And watched and waited. Slowly the indicator bar started to show
a color.
Red!
I screamed and squealed with delight. "Not pregnant! I'm not pregnant!" I was
leaping up and down with Gary, like a high school girl that was just asked out by the best
looking guy in school.
I could see Gary was more relieved than happy but I couldn't resist the urge to fling
my arms around his neck and plant a huge wet kiss on his lips.
"I know this is gonna sound weird, but while I'm still a girl, I want to say it,
because tonight will be too late. I love you Gary Shipley. The girl that finally pins you
down is going to be the luckiest girl in the world. Do you know that?"
He didn't say anything and I thought, for just a second, he looked just a little sad.
Then the look was gone from his face, replaced by an enormous smile.
"In a strange kind of way, I'm kinda sorry it won't be me," I continued,
bubbling with joy. This time he kissed me and I let him, kissing him back deeply.
It was all over but the waiting. I was going to be freed. I could let go and without
worries now. I knew what to look for. I could give into the signals this body was sending
and keep from going crazy from them by indulging them.
I knew I wanted him -- just one more time before it was all over.
Before I knew it Gary had picked me up in his arms was walking out of the bathroom.
"Don't worry, I know what to do," he whispered in my ear.
I won't talk about what we did-or how I felt. I'll just say that it's private and there
was protection against pregnancy. That's all I'm willing to say about that. The rest
belongs to me. I'm going to guard it greedily.
"Oh God, I'm never gonna get this done before Christmas. I have to though, I
just have to. I'll just have to do some more tonight and the rest tomorrow."
"Close journal."
Journal> Journal Closed: 12/23/2081: 1:42 p.m.
CHAPTER SEVEN:
The Road Home |
Journal Date> 12/23/2081: 11:22 pm.
Voice dictation journal editor> Open ... Proceed!
We stayed together that afternoon resting in each other's arms. I was so full of myself
that I really didn't know what to say or do. I was just happy lying with him. I considered
what I had told him at one point, about the woman that would be lucky enough to win his
heart.
How would we be able to share anything else after this weekend? Would our friendship
end? Would it strength or weaken our bond?
I was afraid of the answers to these questions. Right then, at that moment, I was
content to stay right where I was. If Gary had asked to run off and forget ever going back
I might seriously have done it without thinking or looking back. I remember squeezing him
tightly in my arms at that moment, afraid of losing what I had struggled so hard to find
over the last day and a half, hope, peace, contentment.
It was some time before we spoke. When we did, it was Gary that broke the silence.
He spoke to me, "I'm gonna miss you!" The finality of the statement said it
all and I shed a silent tear at the idea. "I'm sorry for throwing that on you, but
it's true. I really don't know what I'm feeling right now. I want to say that I'm glad we
had this. I can't say what it will mean tomorrow or even later today, but this was
beautiful."
"Yeah, I was just thinking about that. What the hell are we gonna do
tomorrow?"
"I guess you'll go back to singin' with your band," he said.
"If they'll have me. I really screwed up that demo session. I've probably been
fired."
"You are the band. Without you there no is Tidewater and you know it!"
"I guess I do," I answered
I had been the one that organized them from a cheap third-rate garage band into one
being asked to record demos by a label. Deep down inside I knew they wouldn't fire me and
that Gary was right. If we had been asked once, it would happen again. We were getting
quite a name and a large following around town now. I guess I was going to get out of here
as a musician, after all.
"So soon you'll be out of here just like you wanted," he said echoing my own
thoughts. "I guess I'll try it with my dad. He's willing to pay to send me to New
York Culinary School. You seem to have given me something reach for. I didn't really think
I'd ever find that, thanks."
"My fine pleasure sir," I said stroking his chest. I waited a bit before I
said what I knew was coming next. "So I guess what were saying is that we are going
to loose each other after all."
I almost didn't get the words out, instead, breaking up and weeping in his arms. After
some time I could tell he too was crying; silent and strong, but he couldn't keep the
tears back. So now I knew just how badly we had messed up our friendship. Even if we
hadn't slept with each other, I guess this would have been the way it ended. I grieved for
my friendship with Gary. I grieved for the loss of this "thing" we had shared.
You can't call it love, but Gary had been on the money with it being beautiful. I would
remember it forever. I knew I would never again find such a thing. So why wasn’t it
love, I mused?
How it would make me feel when I was a male again? That would be something I would have
to wait and deal with later. All I could hope for was that the memory of this wouldn't
drive me insane.
The hours passed. I felt we both wanted to make love one more time, but were both
afraid that we would go to the point of no return. Deep in our hearts neither of us really
wanted that. Despite our sorrow at what we were losing, there were the things we gained.
Gary's life was going in a direction where he had some hope of being successful. I had a
chance at something I had dreamt about since I belted out my first note. We were ready for
our lives to resume. They would be different from this point forward, but that happened
all the time. People drift in and out of your life without the control of the
participants. Most of us get over it eventually and I knew that I would. After all, I had
gotten over the death of my sister. Yes, it had been hard. There were days when I thought
the pain would strangle me, weigh my heart down until it stopped beating. But it didn't. I
had persevered. I would persevere!
At six o'clock we pried ourselves from each other's arms without that last ride. It was
probably for the best, although neither of us liked it much. I ached for him. I had never
experienced that before and I wondered if men could feel this particular pain. It was more
than just heartache. I could feel it in my loins, my breasts, my legs. I wanted him to
touch me. God it was maddening.
I showered (a cold shower) and dressed in the shorts and top Gary lent me when we had
arrived here yesterday. Then, I took stock of myself and decided that I looked damn good
in them. I ran my hands down the flat of my stomach one more time and thrilled at the
feminine feel it gave me. Why the hell hadn't this feeling happened sooner? I could have
enjoyed the whole thing so much more.
Gary was dressed and waiting out in the hall.
"I guess it's time to go," he said flatly, but then cheered some and added,
"You sure do look great in those shorts. Did you know that?"
"Thank you," I responded and stood on my toes to kiss him lightly on the
mouth.
He seemed to be considering what to say next and then, with a wry grin, said, "You
sure do look great in those shorts. Did you know that?"
"Cut it out!" I slapped him playfully.
"Well, you do! You don't think I could get another one of kisses do ya?"
I looked at him slyly and then kissed him again.
By the time we left the Shipley house sun was low in the sky. I went out the front door
and like before, acted as decoy while Gary slipped out the back and over to a couple of
blocks. I had asked him why not just let me meet him on the next street over and he said
he didn't think that was a good idea, but he couldn't tell me why.
"It's just a feeling I've got. It's like someone told me that we should split up
until we're well of range of the house. I'll double back and we'll catch a ride with Kit
near your room. If he gets there before I arrive, just drive around until I get there. If
I don't show up, then go. Don't wait for me. You get that thing off and remember how sorry
I am that I got you tangled up in this!"
"Wait! You know something don't you. Otherwise you wouldn't be saying your
goodbyes now. I won't leave you like this, Gary. If you don't get out, I don't get
out."
I had no intention of remaining like this, but I was hoping that he would change the
conditions of the rendezvous. I didn't want to be responsible for him getting stuck trying
to save me. That was just stupid -- and I didn't think he was just being cautious. Gary
didn't react unless there was something to react to, a perceived danger of something
wrong.
"That's very nice of you and you won't. I've already made sure that Kit takes you
at a certain time. If I'm not there I'm on my way to the warehouse. I have no intention of
sacrificing myself so don't you worry."
So there I was, waiting just a block from my home, waiting for Kit and he arrived right
on schedule. "Mi lady" he said as he opened the door. Then he caught a full view
of me in my shorts. "Whoa, You know, I'd like to kiss your hand now, if that's
alright of course."
"I told, you that you had your chance Friday night. You blew it pal," laughed
as I got in and hugged him. He tensed, I guess a bit surprised, but then he relaxed and
hugged back. "So how was it?" he asked.
"Maybe one day Kit, I don't think you're ready just yet." He raised his
eyebrows at me but respected my confidence. I knew that he suspected something, but would
never have spoken about it with anyone.
"So I guess Gary's not here yet, eh?"
"No," I agreed. "I don't think he would have come out in the open even
if he were here. He was acting funny before we left, like he didn't want to be seen with
me or something."
"Guy's a moron. You should dump him and go out with me!" he said and grinned.
"What charm! You book us a table at Tavern On The Green and we'll talk about it,
ok?" I teased back.
"Jeez ... I was thinkin' more along the lines of Jack In The Box. You're high
maintenance aren't you?"
"Look at this body. What do you think?" and that set him off in gales of
laughter.
"Drive around a couple of times. If he's here, he'll wait until the people that
saw me get in with you are either gone or no longer paying attention to me."
Kit did as instructed. We drove once then twice around the block. Both times we went
around the long way. After the fourth time around I began to believe that there had indeed
been something to what he had said.
Kit broke into the middle of my concern, "You know, he made me promise to get you
to the church on time, Mikey."
I almost didn't recognize that he had been speaking to me. I was so used to hearing
Michelle by that point I wasn't responding to my own name. He had to get my attention by
tapping my shoulder as I was concentrating intently as I looked out the window waiting to
see Gary's face as we came around the next corner.
"Huh? Go? No we can't go. Gary's not here yet."
"But Mike, I promised," he pleaded.
"No."
"Look. He said that if he wasn't here, then he'd be on the way to the warehouse.
That's probably what's happened. I'm sure he thinks he missed us, so he's on his way
there."
"No Kit. We are not going to leave him. If you're wrong then he'll never make to
the warehouse in time. One more pass," I pleaded and continued to look out the
window. I wanted him to understand that I wasn't interested in his mission.
We made one more revolution and still no Gary, so I said, "Ok, let me out!"
"What? No, I think it's time to end this. I promised to get you out of this and
that's what I'm gonna do damn it! Now buckle up!" He made as if to pull out on the
expressway on ramp which was right where he had picked me up.
"Kit, I like you, but if you don't let me out," I reached down and grabbed
his balls, tight, "I'll scream rape!" I looked in straight in the eye and didn't
blink.
"You won't do that! I know because I know you don't want to be a girl forever and
that's what will happen. If the police show up here and cart me away-you'll go too!"
he said defiantly and glared back at me. "You know that, don't you?
I dug in with my nails a bit harder just in case he needed extra incentive and his eyes
got very large with concern.
"Crazy bitch! I swear to God Mikey, Gary's gonna kick my ass and it's gonna be
your fault!"
"I appreciate your concern, but were not leaving Gary, and that's final."
"Ok. Ok, just let go of my balls please!" he begged.
"Oh sure. There," I said and released him.
Sweat had popped up on his forehead. He wiped it off as he turned away from the on
ramp. We made two more cycles around the neighborhood. Kit was getting anxious and scared,
something I had never seen from this laid back Californian.
"We've got to go man! We've got to go now!" he pleaded.
I flashed an evil stare at him.
"You'd stay that way wouldn't you?" he asked. I didn't answer. I sure as hell
didn't want to stay like this, but if it meant that we got Gary out of a jam, then I
remember thinking that I guessed I would. The magic of the afternoon was over and gone,
but Gary had held me together over the long weekend. I knew he said he wasn't going to
sacrifice himself for me, but I didn't believe him. I owed him as much time as I could
possible spare -- down to the last second if necessary.
"Kit," I said using the most persuasive voice I could muster. "You know
that Rod and the others won't activate that transmitter with three missing people. That
would be stupid. Leaving us stuck out here would be like painting a sign on his head that
he was guilty of grand theft from the Federal Government. They'll wait. They'll have
to."
"Bull shit, Mikey! I know you don't know that Rod guy all that well, but let me
tell you, the guy's an asshole. Take it from someone who just spent the entire weekend
with him. He has the backing of his family too and they're not the types of people that
take kindly to people that screw around with the family.
All he could talk about was getting even with you for makin' him look bad in front of
other guys. He may have seemed okay when we all left, but that little scrap got into his
head and drove him crazy. He sees you as a woman and guys like him don't take shit off
women. If an opportunity to fuck you up came a long and just dumped itself in his lap I
believe he just might take it.
I had no idea that our incident in the warehouse two nights ago had left such a big
scar on his ego. The idea that Rod might sabotage my return to manhood had unnerved me. I
was getting ready to tell him to floor it to the docks and get me the hell out of this
when I saw a large skulking figure popping his head in and out of the ally about a block
from where Kit had picked me up.
"THERE HE IS!" I shouted. "No, over there. No there, by the
fire hydrant. Yeah! Go get him, hurry! We've got to go."
We pulled up just beyond the hydrant and stopped. I rolled down the window and stuck my
head out. "Psssst! Gary!" I called out and started waiving at him.
He saw me right away and smiled with relief, "Yeeesss!" I could hear
him whisper under his breath. "Thank you God! Thank you!" he was muttering as he
ran for the car.
I opened the passenger side back door and he dove in. Kit goosed the generator and we
were off.
"God-damn it Michelle, I told you not to wait!" Gary said sternly as he was
getting up from his dive into the HOV. He sounded mad and it made me a little angry to
think that he was that ungrateful at what Kit and I had both risked to rescue him, but
then his face appeared from behind the seat and it was sweet and full of thanks.
"Don't ever listen to me again. I don't know what I'm saying sometimes. Thanks
baby!" he said and we grabbed each other and kissed deeply and wildly. I took in his
smell and ran my fingers through his hair.
"Thanks baby?" Kit asked as he looked on in total disbelief.
I took a break from my passion and looked at him. "I told you, you weren't ready!
Now drive!" Then I looked back a Gary and asked, "What took you so long? I was
worried I'd lost you."
"This." He pulled out the page of a news rag he had stashed in his pocket and
handed it to me.
The headline read, "Wanted In Disappearance Of College Student And Local
Artist." Below it was a photo of the outside of my dorm building. On the stairs was a
large, good-looking Native American man as he was headed out of the building and out into
the crowd. Next to it was a picture of me, or rather Mike Vello.
"Oh God, Gary!" was all I could say. I was about as frightened by the sight
of this as I had been all weekend. We showed the headline Kit and all he could say was,
"Shit!"
"Read it," Gary demanded.
College Student Still Missing
Rouston, PA. Police are seeking clues in the disappearance of a local
college student and singer with a popular local nightclub band. Michael William Vello, age
19, apparently vanished sometime Saturday evening from the college dorm where he lived,
police reported.
The last person to see Mr. Vello alive was one Sandy Cochran,
Vello's fiancé. Cochran was quoted as saying, "Mike and I were supposed to meet for
lunch Saturday but when I arrived, there was a large Indian-looking guy there. He said he
was a friend of Mike's and he was there because Mike was sick. He said he was there to
help Mike get well. Then he ran me off."
"I got suspicious and tried to get the police to check
it out but they told me to go home and check on him later myself. That being sick with the
flu was not a crime. I told them he would have called me if he were sick, not some guy I
have never heard of! But they didn't listen until it was too late." Miss Cochran went
on to tell this reporter that she hoped the Vello family sues the police department.
Police spokesman, Karl Huff, said in response, "The
investigating officers followed procedure to the letter and have done nothing wrong. It's
still unclear at this time if a crime has been committed. Mr. Vello missed a recording
appointment Saturday, but that could be because he was actually ill. All we know at this
point is that a man matching the description of the one seen by Miss Cochran was
photographed leaving the building at around 3:00 P.M. Saturday afternoon by an ATM camera
across the street from the building were Mr. Vello resides."
Miss Cochran returned to see if Mr. Vello was feeling better
and discovered that the apartment was empty. It appeared to Miss Cochran that the place
had been ransacked and she called police again. The police did discover through
information from Mr. Vello's parents that there should have been a currency chip with a
large sum of money credited to it in the apartment or deposited in his account within the
last day or so, but when Police checked they found no record of a deposit and no cash or
chip in the apartment.
For now the parents and friends of Mr. Vello remain concerned but hopeful
that he will turn up unharmed. A spokesman for Mr. Vello's band, Nathan Crock, said
yesterday, "We're hopeful that Mike will just show up soon. It's not like him to miss
an opportunity like we were presented with yesterday, so I am concerned for his safety.
However, Mike is resourceful and capable of defending himself, if necessary. If anyone
will come out of this safely it’s Mike."
Anyone with any information on the whereabouts of Mr. Vello or the
gentleman in the photograph is urged to call police. Please remember that the man in the
photo is not a suspect in any crime. Police want only to question the man as it is
possible that he may have information as to the whereabouts of Mr. Vello. |
"You're pale, Michelle!"
"Well, you read this. You're practically wanted for my murder and that bitch said
she was my fiancée. Well she is going to have some shit to answer for when Mike makes a
miraculous reappearance. And I'll tell you this, it's gonna happen in a public
forum."
"What the hell is all this Michelle shit!" Kit interrupted
my diatribe.
"How did you find out about this?" I asked ignoring Kit. "Did you stop
to buy a newspaper?"
"No. The cops tried to pick me up at the bus stop. I was about to get on the bus
when I heard someone shout, `Hey you! Stop!' I looked around to see who they were
yelling at and some big guy with a gun in his hand was barreling down on me. I thought I
was gonna piss in my pants!"
"So what the hell did you do?" Kit asked.
"You drive, I'll ask the questions," I demanded.
"You got it! Just keep those claws off my balls and were good."
"What claws on who's balls?" Gary asked.
"Later! I'll tell you later," I assured him. "How did you get
away?"
"I ran. I know the neighborhood real well. As a kid I used to cut through
backyards behind bushes and under buildings in that area all the time. But still, I was
lucky. The place is crawling with official HOV's and beat cops. I stole that paper from
the box of a neighbor while I was running because I saw your picture on it . The God
damned Klingon turned me in Michelle! Can you fucking believe it? I told you, didn't I? I
just fucking knew it."
"I'm glad we left when we did. We'd both be in jail right now if we hadn't" I
said and pecked him on the lips again. He smiled in return and pecked me back.
"God, I wish you guys would please stop all that kissing. It's just too
funky."
I turned and flashed my nails at him and grinned.
"Oh shit! Ok, I'll shut up," he said and smiled.
I turned back to Gary. He had a confused and worried look on his face.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Did you ... ah, never mind."
I searched his face for the rest and then, to my surprise, realized what he was getting
at. "Gary. Nothing happened," I reassured him as I reached out and touched his
cheek. "Kit was following your orders to get me to the warehouse before we were able
to find you. I had to threaten to cut his balls off with these, " I flashed my nails
at Gary this time, "as incentive to disobey those orders, that's all. I told you I
wasn't leaving you."
"Yeah, and she threatened to accuse me of raping her on top of that."
"Oh Michelle. You wouldn't have done that would you?" he asked. I just smiled
and shrugged.
"Gary, I have five fingernail bruises on my scrotum to prove it if you're
interested in seeing them. She's the only reason you're here pal."
A tear slipped from the corner of his eye and mouthed the words, "Thank you."
"Well, were safe now," I noted looking away. I didn't want to end this by
crying too. When I felt the storm had passed I looked back at Gary.
"I swear to God girl, I wish you wouldn't say shit like that," Kit declared.
"What the hell is your problem now?" I harassed him good-naturedly. What he
said next caused my stomach to bunch up in a tight little ball.
"The Cops are following us," He said looking in the rear vid screen.
"Gary, don't turn around," I said quickly but it was too late. His head
snapped around and peered out back window. As soon as the cops saw his face the lights on
the police HOV came to life.
"Oh shit! Floor it Kit," Gary whispered in a very soft and frightened voice
as he tried to crawl into the seat.
"Already floored my friend," Kit responded and our HOV started to pull away
from the pursuit vehicle.
Gary turned around and looked at me. I must have looked very scared. I know he did, but
even with what we were facing Gary still found the heart and strength to find my hand and
comfort me.
"Don't worry. It's gonna be OK. I swear I won't let anything happen to you. You
believe me don't you?"
I couldn't speak. I was deeply frightened, but Gary's sure and confident words eased my
fear and I nodded that I did believe him.
"Good. Now we have to make some things happen. Kit, I'm taking over the HOV. Start
sliding over."
"What are you up to?" Kit asked.
"You guys are getting out," he said as he climbed over the seat from the back
and took control of the HOV.
"WHAT!" I shouted in stunned surprise.
"You heard me. The two of you are getting out and I'm going to lead them away. I
told you that I was not going to let anything happen to you and I meant it." He
whipped the HOV sharply around the corner of Eighth Street forcing Kit to slide into me,
pressing me against the door of the vehicle.
"Hi there," Kit said with a goofy smile. We were face-to-face and unable to
move because of the centrifugal force of the turn.
"Get off of me," I shouted and tried to push him off of me. "Gary, slow
down I'm getting crushed here."
"Can't do that right now. Get down below the windows so no one can see you,"
he replied. With the cops temporarily out of sight, Kit climbed over and ducked down in
the back seat. I followed Kit's lead and dropped down on the floorboard of the front seat.
"What the hell did you mean that we were getting out?"
"They're going to catch us. There's nothing I can do about that. But I can lead
them away from you," he explained.
"No!" I insisted.
"This is my fault. I have to start taking responsibility for my actions and you
have to go back to being Mikey. That won't happen if those bastards catch you."
"And you'll go to jail, all because of me. Woo Hoo! Yeah I guess I can carry on
with that burden on my shoulders," I responded sarcastically.
"If we do this I won't be in jail for murder, but if you don't get back to the
warehouse I will be -- and possibly put to death at that. So you now have a reason to get
back to being Mike that is somewhat more important than just an emotional one. It's the
only way you can save me now.
"God damn you Shipley, that's not fair."
"Maybe not but you're my only hope. Please don't let me down." He looked down
at me as I crouched on my knees on the floor of the HOV. The tears were coming again and
they stung. They hurt more than any others I had ever shed, including those I had let go
for Erin. He reached down and touched his palm to my cheek and I pressed my face into it.
"Can't we just keep going Gary? I'll stay this way if you'll stay with me. Just
say you'll stay with me and we can both go away. I won't mind. I just don't want to lose
you."
"I'm going to get you both as close to the warehouse as I can," he started to
say, ignoring my pleas.
"SHIT! Don't you ignore me Gary."
"I'm going to drive the HOV through a thick patch of woods near the water front,
about a block from the warehouse. You two are going to hop out there and I'm going to keep
going," he continued, not responding to me. "It will have to be fast. I won't
even be able to completely stop. Hopefully, they'll think you both are still ducked down
and won't realize until it's too late that you're gone.
I reached up from where I was crouched and laid my hand on his knee. "Gary?"
I said softly. "I want to stay this way if we can be together. I can play this part.
Really I can. What would I be going back to anyway? My parents are so fucked up I doubt
they really care if Mike is missing. The one person that really cared is long gone. Shit,
I'm alone! I don't want to be alone anymore. I love you."
From the back seat we both heard a startled cough -- or perhaps it was a stifled choke.
I had been looking down at my knees trying to summon the courage to toss my life away
as I spoke. I knew that if Gary accepted my proposal that in just a few minutes time all
this would be permanent. When I looked up at him to gauge his reaction I saw that he was
tearing around the eyes and fighting hard to regain control of his emotions. When he
finally spoke-not once did he look me in the eyes.
"That's very sweet, but you are going back. Mikey Vello has an adventure of his
own to complete. I interrupted that adventure because I was selfish and I couldn't see
your life for what it was. I thought you were leading a dull existence when the whole time
I was the one whose life was all messed up."
He wiped tears away with the back of his hand and cleared his throat before continuing.
"You have to go back to being who you are supposed to be. You have to be the person
fate meant for you to be before I screwed it all up. You have to do this for a very simple
and selfish reason. If you don't then my soul will burn in hell forever. I know this as
certainly as I know that I love you."
"I can't do it Gary," I pleaded one more time, hoping he would take my
proposal to just keep running.
"Then I'm going to die in prison and burn in Hell," he said flatly.
I couldn't speak. He had me again, only this time the reasons for following along were
really good ones. This time I couldn't argue, just glare at him. "God-damn
it! Ok, I'll do it, but I want you to know that I will never get over this, and that it's
your fault."
"Good! I would feel very bad indeed if I thought I was just some guy you decided
to toy with," He said and smiled down at me. "I love you too!"
"You love her?" came a voice from the back.
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, sniffled and glowered at Kit as he peered
over the top of the back seat. "I told you that you weren't ready." Then I
offered him a weak smile.
"Jesus Christ! There is no way this can be good guys," Kit said as his head
disappeared again behind the back of the seat. From somewhere in the back he continued.
"You two are best friends for Gods sake. You used to double date. Hell Mikey, you
used to date the women Gary here didn't want." He paused, I guess sensing the
argument sounded a bit weak, but then exclaimed, "You're both guys!"
"No. No, I'm not. Not anymore anyway," I corrected him. "Ever since last
Friday I've been on a one way street to complete femininity. This skin has affected more
than just my outwardly appearance. That's where these things are really dangerous Kit.
Slowly, over the last two days I've become the girl you pick up back there near my old
Dorm. I was Mikey, but emotionally, in my head and in the things I that feel about others,
I'm a woman and until I can get this thing off that's the way it is. If I have to lose
Gary then I'm not so sure I want it off," I said and looked back up still hoping Gary
would change his mind.
Then from the back I heard. "I'm sorry, Mikey or Michelle or whatever you call
yourself these days. I would never have gone along with this if I had known what kind of
trouble it would have led to. I would never have caused you harm deliberately, either of
you."
"Thanks Kit. That means a lot to me, but we have to figure out a way out of
this."
"We have a way out. My plan, remember?" Gary reminded us both.
"No," I insisted. "All of us or none of us."
"What!" Kit squeaked in surprise. "Screw-and I mean that
figuratively-you! I'm sorry, if you two have fallen in love -- Yeesshhh -- then great.
I'll send flowers to the wedding. As far as I'm concerned you two deserve each other, but
I want my life back, so count me out of the `None Of Us' shit. Ok?"
Gary surprised me by next saying, "We're out of time." He reached over the
passenger side seat where I had been sitting and unlatched the door.
"What the hell are you doing Shipley? I'll fall out if you ... Yikes!" Gary
suddenly turned the HOV sharply to the left, slowing as he did and I tumbled out
backwards. Luckily, I landed on a soft patch of old packing material and leaves. I was
shaken and surprised but seemingly unhurt. I looked up in time to see the Police HOV
streaking past me and after Gary's vehicle.
"GAAAARRRRRRYYYYYY!" I was furious with him. I was scared for him. I
hurt for him. I hurt not to have him. I felt all that and more than I can describe and all
at once. I was nearly overwhelmed with the emotions.
"God-damn it, Gary! "YOU BASTARD! You tricked me!" I screamed as I
pulled myself out of the pile of leaves I had landed in.
His HOV streaked toward the docks. There was no way I could catch him. What was I
supposed to do now? Make your way to the warehouse and get the hell out of this
woman's body moron! a small voice from inside instructed.
I followed the chase with my eyes, expecting to see the vehicles veer off to the right
where the dock led back towards the city, but Gary was leading them to the very edge of
the water -- and he showed no sign of slowing down.
"Oh no! Please Gary, turn ... turn," I whispered a plea that I hoped somehow
would reach his ears.
"Turn?" Someone asked from behind me and I jumped.
"Oh God! Kit!" I squealed and slapped at him. " You asshole,
don't ever sneak up on me like that!"
"Sorry, but why were you whispering 'turn'?"
"Shit ... Gary." I said remembering and pointed to where the HOV Gary was
driving was nearly at the edge of the waterfront.
The cops were backing off slightly not wanting to follow him over the edge.
"Look."
"What's he doing?" Kit asked.
Just then the HOV tumbled off the edge and into the water. The splash was incredible.
Because the sonic jets continued to operate after the vehicle went under the boiling of
the water above where the HOV sank continued for several seconds until the circuitry
finally shorted out and the jets quit. HOVs sink faster than older road based vehicles
because of the weight of the jets that keep them off the ground. The minute they are over
water they just go straight down. It's as if they dig their own grave.
It was the same way Erin had died and now Gary had joined her. I had failed ... at what?
I could almost remember. Something Erin had told me. But that couldn't be right.
"GAAARRRYYY!" I began to bolt out of the woods and over the water's
edge, but Kit grabbed my arm and held me back.
"Wait, Mikey the cops!"
"LEMEGO! LEMEGO! I have to help him." I turned on Kit and jerked my
arm with the full weight of my body like a child throwing a trantrum, but he held fast.
"Please Kit. We have to help him. He can't swim." I beat on his hand in an
attempt free myself.
"If that's true then the only ones that can help him are the cops. They're already
in the water, see?" he pointed to dock and I could see that one of the officers had
indeed jumped in as was wading about looking for any victims. The water didn't seem deep.
About chest high but the HOV was completely covered. Anyone inside would be drowning.
"They're not doing anything to get him out! Kit he's gonna drrrooowwwwnnn!
You have To LET ME GO!" I shouted and took a swing at him with my fist. He
dodged it and I tried to make my escape, but he grabbed my other arm with one hand and
slipped his free arm around my waist and pulled me in. I couldn't get away. Kit was simply
stronger than I currently was.
"Oh no you don't. Gary didn't do this so you could go get yourself arrested. You
at least owe him that. Now we're out of time. We've got to go and you're coming whether
you like it or not."
I crumpled to the ground with grief while Kit urged me to get up. Time was running out
or the cops were going to find us, but I no longer cared. I felt hollow. My hand went to
my stomach and I found myself wishing distantly that I had gotten pregnant. I was
desperate to have any piece of him back. It had happened too quickly. Things had gone from
good to bad to good and now the pendulum had swung back to bad again, only now it was
stuck on bad.
When you're dead you don't come back. It's a lesson I had learned the hard way. Another
lesson I learned was that the ones you left behind kept on loving and needing you after
you were gone. Your absence only made more acute the loss and pain they felt. It's very
selfish but it's inescapable.
Kit got me to my feet somehow. The whole time I let my captor lead me back to the place
of my birth, he kept saying that if Gary was OK, and he was sure that he was, he was
probably close enough for the skin he was wearing to deactivate. He told me everything was
going to be fine.
I limped along in stunned silence. Gary was gone. I had just let myself be led away. I
had done nothing at the same time he had done everything to save me and restore my life to
normal. I felt small and insignificant. The whole time I had known and loved him as a
brother I had badly misjudged him. It wasn't until we were able to become intimate that I
learned that he was a very decent human being and one hell of a wonderful man, something I
would never have known about him had I not become Michelle.
I anguished over the loss of the man I now knew I had fallen helplessly in love with. I
could feel the skin on my face go numb. I no longer cared who or what I
was. My breath came in great sobbing heaves and shudders. Kit tried to comfort me but I
was in no mood. My hands flew to my face as we walked and I stumbled along blind, guided
by Kit and I tried to sink to the ground a few times. I didn't want to go on; I just
wanted to wallow in self-pity.
I was in as bad a shape as I could get. What was I going to do now? Even if I went back
to being Mike, how would I explain where I'd been? What kind of excuse could I offer now
that Gary was gone? Someone was sure to connect the two. Suddenly, I felt guilty; I was
thinking of myself again, about the consequences of my choices, when Gary had only thought
of me. He had sacrificed himself for my safety to make sure I got back to my life and all
I could do was worry about what I would tell people. It was then that I realized that I
wouldn't go back. Gary had loved me enough to give up his life that I might have a second
chance. Why shouldn't I stay as he had loved me? To me it seemed to be a fitting memorial
to him and suitable punishment for me.
"Kit!" I turned to him suddenly horrified. "Gary's parents! What am I
going to tell them? Oh my God, how did things get so screwed up?" I buried my face in
my hands again. Kit put his arm around my shoulder and tried to comfort me. He whispered,
"Shush. It's OK," over and over again but it wasn't OK it wasn't going to be OK.
Nothing ever again was going to be OK and Kit knew it too. I guess he had to say
something.
My brain couldn't accept that Gary was gone and I felt myself spiraling out of control.
I wanted to run away, bolting and hiding from the truth. I would remain as Michelle for
the rest of my life as a penance. It would be the price I paid for costing Gary his life.
My sweet Gary, oh God, how could you let me fall in love with him and take him away like
that?
Yet, I would have lost him when I became Mike again, remember? Yes, I did remember. I
was confused, scared and grieving. I wanted to die; to lay down right here until the
police found me. I wanted to be whipped, beaten and punished for my part in taking Gary's
life. As I sank deeper into depression, my eyes kept drifting to the waterfront where the
police activity was increasing. No body yet. An ambulance had arrived but the gurney was
empty and flat. Surely he was dead by now. "OH GODDDDDD!" I screamed in
my head. I wanted to run there, dive in and help find him.
In a kind and gentle voice, Kit informed me we had arrived at the rear entrance to the
warehouse. We slipped between the gates and went to the door of the building. There was a
piece of paper taped to it. Scrawled on it in nearly illegible handwriting were the
words...
Come On In!
Kit tore the paper off the window and we let ourselves into the warehouse.
CHAPTER EIGHT:
And In The End |
I can't remember the atmosphere in the warehouse. I was rung out like an old dishtowel.
My breath came in shuddering gasps and I was weeping uncontrollably. I have a dim memory
winding my way in among the boxes and racks of clothes as we had done just two nights ago
when I was a different person. That night I had wanted only to return to the life that had
been stolen from me. This night, I was already grieving for what had been stolen and
looking for a way to pay the incalculable cost for my participation in that loss.
As I shuffled along, lead by the hand by Kit, I was dimly aware that we had come into
an opening, roughly in the center of the building judging by the distance from the walls.
There were faces I vaguely remembered from some point in the recent past but I didn't
acknowledge them. Kit held my hand and kept me in place and I didn't resist. Gary and I
had become one of the urban legends you hear so much about in cases like this. He was dead
and my life was now forever destroyed. It mattered little if I returned to being Mike
Vello or remained as Michelle, "Angel of Death." If anything, the proper thing
would be to be prevented from returning to my former life to pay for Gary's.
I made up my mind to run out of the building and away from there before the transmitter
was activated. That way I would serve my life sentence by losing my life as well and pay
for it more dearly than other prisoners. I would be trapped with the love of him whom I
had killed. I calculated when I might best make my break. Kit would try to stop me, I felt
certain of that. He felt I owed it to Gary to carry on and do what he would have wanted,
but how could I? I had done this to him.
Kit turned to me and his eyes were red as he too had been grieving at the loss of a
friend. As we entered the space where his friends and my acquaintances stood staring with
odd, falsely-concerned looks, Kit cleared his throat for attention. "Ah ... We ran
into a little trouble on the way here."
"You're a person light in your party, Kit." It was Rodney, spoken with all
the compassion of a true asshole. I suddenly wondered why it had been Gary and not him
that had died.
The voice of Mike spoke up inside my head and surprised me with his accusation, "Because,
Rod wasn't with you. If he had you might have been able to kill him too you Bitch!"
That started the water works again and I hung my face in my hands and sobbed huge
shuddering sobs that racked my body from head to toe.
"He's dead," Kit responded. It has a flat statement but it hung large in this
empty room. I could hear it bounce off the walls for what seemed like hours and to me it
sounded like "He's Dead and she killed him. He's Dead and it's her fault. He's
Dead and if it weren't for her he'd still be alive!"
There was a deep collective gasp and this time I did drop to my knees, the strength
running out of my legs as I no longer had the will to stand. Kit finally let go of my
hand. He knelt next to me and tried to comfort me, but I shrugged him off. Giving up, he
stood, respecting my desire to be left alone.
Through my grief, I heard Rodney speaking. "It's not like we need him anyway. This
will still work without him."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Looking up in utter disbelief as tears streaked
my face, I felt as if my jaw had become unhinged. I couldn't even continue to grieve I was
so shocked. This guy was supposed to be his friend.
"He ... he was your friend," I accused him.
"The goddess speaks. I liked the guy, but he got stupid. It happens all the time.
When you're raised in my family and my line of work you see it everywhere. You've got to
learn to get over it and be a man, but then again, you're not are you?"
I've never felt so angry in my entire life; not before that and only once since have I
come close to feeling the way I did at that moment. I made up my mind that Rodney would
pay for getting all of us into this mess-one way or the other, he would pay me for his
comments about Gary
I glared at him no longer afraid of what he felt he might be able to do to me.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked, a slight smile on his face. I was still on
my knees and I looked around at the faces of others too see if anyone of Gary's friends
were going to help me kill this Italian son of a bitch. Everyone was just smiling gently,
everyone but Kit. He looked as confused and angry as I felt. Any semblance of the laid
back Californian was gone.
Kit piped in before I could say a word. "What the fuck is wrong with you
people? You're acting like the guy was a fucking stranger to us. If nothing else you can
see Michelle is upset."
"It's happening to him too. He sees me as this girl and after only an
hour," I thought.
"Michelle is it? Got feelings for her do we Kit?"
"Back off Rod. This is not the time for your petty judgments. You know what these
things we're wearing can do to a person. She's a girl, she's gonna behave like a girl. You
say one more word and I'm going to kill you myself."
"Whoa there partner," Rod said in a patronizing western accent.
"Cowboy's getting' all riled in defense of the women folk. Don't worry Tex; ah don't
mean no harm to the missus. No disrespect Ma'am." Rodney bowed and removed a false
hat, mocking us.
Kit step quickly over to him and grabbed up his shirt in his hand and yanked him near.
"I told you to shut up. A man's dead and me and my friend are grieving over the loss
even if the rest of you don't give a shit.
My mind whispered, "Kill him Kit! Go ahead."
It was then I decided to make my break for the door. All I had to do is get so far and
then the signal wouldn't reach me. Then it would be over.
I got up and bolted for the door and from behind me I heard Kit say,
"Wha...?"
I looked back to see how much of a jump I had gotten on him, surprised at how fast I
could move in this body. Just as I was beginning to think I was going to get away, I hit
something hard with my face and body. Bouncing off with a surprised "Uh!", I
landed on my butt on the floor.
"Where the hell were you going in such a hurry?" a voice asked. It was deep
and soothing and I didn't want to be soothed; I was in pain and I wanted to remain in pain
forever. Gary was gone and I was still here. 'Not Fair!' There was nothing fair about it
after all. I had been shown a love and a friendship that I knew I would never again find,
not as Mike and I knew not as the woman I was condemning myself to be. It had been taken
from me, ripped from my life and I wanted nothing more than to have it and the man that
brought it to me back.. If I couldn't have that, I would have this body and I would live
in pain for all that I had lost. I was angry at that soothing voice for trying to take my
pain away too and for stopping me.
To add to my confusion, my face and front were now wet. Whatever it was that I had hit
was soaking wet.
"Come, get up and let me hold you baby," the soft voice compelled me to rise.
I wanted to follow it so badly. It sounded so sweet and caring. I stood, head hung low in
deep pain.
"Baby?" My eyes flew open and I look forward. A large familiar tan T-shirt
was in front of my eyes. It was soaking wet. I wanted to look up but didn't dare. I was
only a foot or two away from the person in front of me and if I looked up and was
disappointed I didn't think I would live through it.
"Gary?" I asked in a meek questioning voice.
A hand reached up and took my chin and lifted my head skyward -- and there was his
smiling countenance shining down on me.
"Did I miss anything?" he asked cheerfully.
I tackled him.
I remember all sorts of things going through my mind. I remember laughing
uncontrollably. I remember that when we hit the ground I registered pain in my arms as
they were crushed under our weight. I remember thinking what a trifling thing the pain was
to worry about. What I did was kiss him everywhere, smothering him with my lips, trying to
drink him in to my body. Between kisses I started rambling and babbling incoherencies at
him. He would try to answer in between gasps for breath.
"You're OK? Well of course you are, aren't you? You're here!"
"I ..."
"How did you get away?
"Well ..."
“That's not important right now."
“Oh…”
"Gary I was so scared that I'd lost you"
"Nonsen ..."
"Don't you ever scare me like that again."
"Sorr ..."
"You talk to much Mr. Shipley do you know that?"
"Gee, I ..."
"Oh for Christ's sake shut up and kiss me!"
"Sure!"
After a long hard kiss I looked at him, smiled and said, "Blabber mouth."
"Just can't shut me up," he replied with a smile.
Then something dawned on me. "Gary, the cops! When they don't find your body they
start searching the warehouses along the bay. We've got to get out of here, now!"
"What's going on back there?" someone shouted. It sounded like Rod.
Then I heard Kit ask angrily, "You mean you knew and you just let her sit there
and cry."
"They knew you were OK?" I asked. I was hurt. They had all let me believe he
was dead.
"They didn't tell you?" He seemed confused.
"No. I was running away thinking that you were dead. I just couldn't have gone
back and been happy Gary, so I was going to take this body as my own and be the girl that
loved you."
Gary looked disappointed. "I told you what you were supposed to try to do. Why
don't you ever listen to me?"
"What do you mean you TOLD me what to do?"
"Uh oh ..."
"'Uh oh' is right!"
Gary stammered, "Can we talk about this later?"
"Just because I wear my pants a little tighter than you, that doesn't
mean you can order me around."
"A little tighter?" he asked.
"Never mind. I just want you to understand some ..."
"Michelle? We really have to get moving here. We're safe for the moment, but
they'll get that HOV out of muck before long and we have to be out of here before
then."
"Right, we'll pick this up later, lets leave," I said and started to get up
to make my way to the door. He had my hand and pulled me back to him.
"No!"
"Huh?" I asked surprised.
"Not leave, not like this."
"Gary, please we don't have time to argue about this."
"It won't take any longer than it would for them. Let's go. It's time Mike came
home to stay."
"No!"
"Michelle."
"I said no. I won't lose you again. I’m happy. I want to keep being happy. I
love you. Why won’t you just let me do that?"
"I'm going back. This guy you see here is wanted in connection with a missing
persons case. If I stay like this then one day they'll capture me and you'll loose me
anyway. Forever."
"But ..."
He came close to me and held me. "You see it has to be this way. Don't you?"
"God damn it!" I shouted and stomped my foot on the floor. "I love you
Gary. That's gotta count for something."
“Michelle, of course that counts for something. It counts for everything. And that
exactly why you have to go back. If I said yes, lets go then it would be because I was
being selfish. I love you more than I have the ability to tell you. I don’t have the
words to say what I’m feeling.”
I laughed through my tears. “I know that. I know. I can feel that. I saw what you
did out there, as stupid as it was. I know that was because you love me.” I was
pulling on his T-shirt, urging him to come with me before they set that damned transmitter
signal off. “Come with me. Love me Gary. Please.”
He said nothing, just looked at me sadly and I knew I had to go back too. I knew that I
would feel better about it in a few days once I was male again. It would be as if I had
never felt these things. Yet I was happy with him and I wanted that to go on forever.
"Fine!” I acquiesced. I was mad as hell at him. “Let's go before I
change my mind," I moved away from his embrace for the last time as Michelle. We
never really had a name for the man he became that weekend, the persona he wore when I
fell in love with him. He was just my Gary and afterward, after the change back, I felt
sure he would ever lose his feeling for Michelle. That would be his prison. He was going
from male to male. I guess I was the unknown card in the deck.
I made my way back into the clear space in the center of the warehouse. Gary had tried
to catch up with me and take my hand but when I was unresponsive he gave up. I didn't need
any more encouragement for a relationship that wasn't going to live more than a few more
minutes at most. Yet I was badly torn. I could feel myself screaming to get out of this
girl's body, but my emotions were clouding my judgment. I wanted out to be rid of this
helpless love I had for Gary. I wanted the torment of it to be over once and for all. As
long as I was Michelle, I was going to be in love with him. It was done. Now I needed to
be.
I tried to think of the things I'd be going back to and that helped. Singing with the
band in front of a crowd of people was the biggest thrill I've had until all this. Putting
the Klingon in her place for all the crap she said in the papers would be an adventure
too. However, once I started thinking about it, I felt sorry for her. Perhaps I had been
too hard on her. Maybe she was just a girl in love, just like me, just wanting to be
wanted. I discovered that it was a desperately insecure feeling. I could get next to that
and sympathize with her.
Gary, much to my dismay had been right again; I had to go back. As I accepted that
grudgingly, I began to loose some of that helpless feeling. It would take time to get over
it, but I knew that in a couple of days, with a healthy dose of testosterone, I would
begin to feel more like my old self. It seemed I was taking some valuable lessons with me
though, things I couldn't tell if I would want to remember or not later on.
I stopped in the middle of the room and Gary pulled up next to me. I noticed that we
were standing very close to where we had first come in contact with our new personas just
two days ago, when, shaken and scared, I had looked up to see the face of my friend. "Whassss
Uuuupp?" he had asked then and now, standing next to him, I took his hand,
looked up to him and mouthed the words, "Thank you."
It was the last thing Michelle and Gary/Tonto would share. It would have to do.
"Is everybody Ready?" Rod hollered like some sideshow barker at the Fall
Carnival. "Step right up ladies and gentlemen. It's the most amazing
transformation you've ever seen. Watch as, before your very eyes, we change this lovely
young lass right here from a woman in love to a much-loved male rock singer. Hurry! Hurry!
Hurry!" I almost couldn't suppress the giggles at the thought.
Then Rod announced, "Everyone ... strip."
I looked around in confusion. "You're joking, right?"
"Um, no. You have to strip, get naked so to speak. You don't want anything between
you and the code transmission do you?"
"Well ... I ... I can't do that," I protested.
"Why?" Rod asked.
Then Gary stepped in. "Look Rod, isn't there another way?"
"I don't make the rules my friend. The book says no clothing between you and the
signal. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Ziltch. Zippo ..."
"OK ... OK ... I get it. Let me think." I looked at him hopefully while he
thought. He had proved good at it and I was hoping for one more such repeat performance.
"What's the big deal?" Rod asked. "Anyone here never seen a naked girl
before?"
No one answered.
"Gary?" I whispered, but it seemed he'd drawn a blank. "Shit! I don't
want to undress in front of them." I also noticed that none of them seemed too eager
to undress before me, all but Rod that is, who was already taking off his shoes.
Then Gary had an idea, "Rod, what about if we all turn our backs? Will that make a
difference?" I could feel my face brighten. It would offer me some modesty.
"Gary, you are such a party pooper. Do you know that? Aren't you the least bit
interested in what this girl looks like under all that tight clothing before she's gone?
You spent all weekend with her, you can't tell me you didn't think about it."
He ignored Rod and turned to the others. "You guys mind?"
Everyone murmured their agreement. No one minded. As if it were possible, I felt even
deeper love for Gary, which is something I didn't need at that moment, but I seemed
helpless to control it.
"Thanks again." I whispered.
"Sorry I couldn't do better," was all he said.
The guys turned around, one by one, and Gary stood and faced them to make sure they
didn't turn around while I undressed. I heard him tell Rod to turn around once and Rodney
mumbling about what a pussy Gary had suddenly become and then asking if maybe whipped was
more like it.
Again he ignored Rod but when I looked to the side I could see Gary's fists opening and
closing. I touched his arm to assure him that everything was OK and continued to undress.
Last to undress was Gary. He turned with his back to the circle and said,
"Ready."
For just a brief moment I clutched against the fear that this might hurt as much as
entering into this bargain had on Friday night.
"10, 9, 8, 7, 6 ..."
I reached out and took Gary's hand for just a second and let it go, mouthing the words,
"Goodbye," and shedding one single tear. Then I turned and faced forward waiting
for the pain, not knowing if it would come or not.
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1."
And it was over.
As I looked around there were the guys I remembered I had come to this place with two
days ago. At their feet were small piles of ash. They were all brushing the stuff off
themselves.
Then I noticed that the proportions of the room were wrong. Gary still seemed tall to
me. Hell they all did. It was a curious feeling. I started to bush the ash off as the
others were doing and I turned smiling to Gary. I saw his face precisely at the same time
my hand brushed some fleshy protrusion on my chest.
I felt the blood run from my face as I watched the same thing happen to Gary. It was a
most surreal experience, I can assure you. Looking down, I saw breasts. There was no small
pile of ash on the floor. My hair tumbled from behind my head and over my shoulders.
I could only think of one thing to say. "Gary?" I knew the voice that came
out of my mouth all too well. Something had gone wrong.
In an equally confused tone, Gary asked "Michelle?" and I had to stifle an
hysterical laugh that was bubbling up inside me as I thought to myself, 'Doctor Livingston
I presume?"
"Don't call me that," I demanded weakly.
I could feel the terror growing inside me. Everyone had gone back to their original
form; everyone but me, that was. My brain was trying to overload me with information, crap
like "transmitters are a single use device," "out of signal range" and
"damage results in permanent confinement." My brain had suddenly become an agent
for the enemy and it was trying to make me panic.
"Rodney? What the hell did you do?" It was Gary and he was charging Rod's
position at the head of the circle.
I was in shock. I had fully expected to be out of Michelle and back as Mike, but as I
explored, not a bit of Michelle was gone.
"Nothing. I didn't do anything wrong. Everyone else is out Gary. Wait!"
Then everyone was talking at once.
"Rod, What the hell went wrong?" Gary asked.
"I don't know? I'm checking," Rod snarled back.
"Someone want to get her something to cover up with?" Kit suggested.
"Don't call me that," I said weakly.
"I think I swallowed my gum," Norm said adding little to the conversation.
"Here's something," Frank offered. "Ah, a box of curtains. Shit this
place has everything."
"Unit four out of phase!" Rod muttered squinting at the device.
"What?" Gary and I asked in unison.
"Unit four out of phase!" Rod repeated loud enough to be heard clearly.
"Here Michelle, take this!" Frank said as he handed me some heavy thermal
curtains.
"Don't call me that!" I snapped.
"Keep it down everyone," Gary pleaded. "I can't hear what Rod's
saying."
"Shit, you look like you're going to pass out," Kit noted and passed me a
bottle of something. "Here. Drink some of this."
"What the fuck does that mean?" Gary demanded.
"I don't know," was Rod's response.
"Does anyone know if gum is harmful?" Norm asked only to be told to shut up
by everyone.
"What's that?" I asked, turning back to Kit.
"Well you'd better find out Rod and get him the hell out of that," Gary said
through clenched teeth, fists balling and un-balling in frustration.
"Vodka." Kit offered.
"I'm trying. I'm trying," Rod whined.
"Don't try Rod. DO IT!" Gary demanded, torn between beating the crap out of
Rod and encircling me with a protective arm.
"Come over here and sit down," Frank suggested.
"Someone want to get Michelle a chair?" Kit called out to which I screamed, "I
said DON'T CALL ME THAT!"
"Ah, a menu, cool," Rod sighed with relief. "OK, error messages for
transactions!"
"What's it say?" Gary asked.
"Hold on," Rod muttered in irritation as he poked at the device.
"Here, your uh ... your thing is showing." It was Frank, telling me
something. "No, ah ... your breast. There that's better!"
"Thanks," I said, covering up.
"OK here it is!"
"What?" Gary asked.
"I said I found it," Rod responded with relief.
"Look, will everybody please SHUT THE HELL UP?" Gary roared.
Everyone shut up. We all looked in stunned silence at where Gary, my old friend Gary,
and Rod now stood staring at the display on the transmitter.
"So what's that mean?"
"'Physical structure in unit four not of original configuration. Unable to process
genetic decoding algorithm. Unit four out of phase.' I think it means that the unit is
damaged in some way."
"Damaged? You mean the chip?"
"No I mean her," he said and pointed to me.
"Look, don't call me that any God damn more, please," I begged. I
just wanted what everyone else had gotten -- their lives back, my manhood back.
"Tell me about that Rod. Would you please?" Gary asked, "Because I'm not
sure I understand just what the hell you're telling me."
"Look, the way I understand it is like this. If you're in one of these skins and
do something to it -- you know, modify it -- then it can't undo the configuration. It
works on an algorithm. If the genetic structure is changed, the stored mathematical
equation used to piece it back to the original genetic code doesn't match. It doesn't know
how to rebuild the original structure because it isn't sure what's different.
Most of us just looked at each other as if we didn't understand. Then Gary asked,
"You're saying if one of the other of us had, Oh I don't know, cut ourselves. You're
saying that those damn things wouldn't have come off?" He looked pissed. I was trying
not to look worried.
"No, no, no. Cuts heal. As soon as the cut had healed the skin would have burned
itself out. If you were within range of the transmitter when it was activated, that is.
I'm talking about an operation or something like that where you take an organ or part of
an organ. Those things don't ever regenerate. That kind of stuff."
"I don't understand. Why isn't Mikey changing back then?" Gary asked.
"I'm not cut anywhere," I said. "Why?"
"She did something to herself. That's what the display says," Rod insisted
and held the transmitter for us to see again, as if for evidence.
"It's a bug! It's gotta be. Can you bypass the error?" Frank asked.
"There's always a manual override on things like this."
Rod looked at him sternly. "Man Frank, you really should stay away from the Scifi
VIDs from now on. That crap is for Hollywood. This is computer science. The error messages
just let you know what you have to fix and it make it right."
"So, how the hell do we fix this?" I asked. I searched their faces looking
for hope. There was none to be found there.
Then Gary said, "Mikey, the wall!"
I knew what he was getting at, "I didn't even bruise when that happened." I
hoped I was right.
"What wall, Rod asked.
"When we were sneaking back into my dorm room the first night, Gary was helping me
in through the back window, I slipped and slammed against the wall. It knocked the breath
out of me."
"I don't think that would have caused this problem. No, even if you'd broken a
bone, it would heal and you'd be out after that. It might take a month or so but you'd be
out right after it healed. The system would know that the unit wasn't out of phase --
unless it didn't heal right or something, I guess. Besides, you'd have known if you'd
broken a bone. It would still hurt like hell, even if it was a hairline fracture. Do you
think?..." Rod asked looking to me.
"No, I was a little sore the next morning, but not too bad." I was mostly
relieved. That was the most traumatic thing that had happened to me since I put this
damned thing on. So perhaps it could be fixed and I could get the hell out of this. It was
Gary that dashed all my hopes.
"Oh my God!" Came a whisper. I did not see him say the words, but I knew it
was Gary that had whispered them. When I looked up at him, he looked as if he was about to
cry. That scared me.
"I'm sorry!" he said and was coming over to me, kneeling down and taking my
head in his hands. "It's my fault! Oh Mikey," he covered his face and gasped.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry! Please forgive me. I didn't know."
"Gary? Please. You're scaring me!" We were forehead to forehead and now he
was crying so I took his hands as they clasped my face. "What's your fault? I don't
understand." My heart was pounding so hard I just knew it was going to burst.
"Think about it."
I tried, but I had suffered no injury. I didn't hurt anything at all, let alone
something that would cause percent damage.
Then I thought of it -- or what I thought was it. I whispered to him so only he could
hear, "But I'm not pregnant Gary. That can't be it!" I insisted, but I was no
longer so sure of myself. I supposed that those tests could fail.
He was shaking his head no.
Gary leaned in close. He pushed the hair away from my ear and brought his lips in
toward the side of my head.
I looked up at the other guys standing around. Most of them had dressed as this episode
was unfolding. I could see they were just as confused at the spectacle as I was. It was
almost obscene the way Gary leaned in to me, I could see that in their eyes.
Then it did click and the hopelessness of my situation dawned on me. I started crying
with him as he whispered, "Your virginity."
He drew me in tight and held me, rocking me very gently while the others looked on,
confused and self-conscious. Every so often he would offer another apology to me and I
would chant from time to time, "This can't be happening. Please God. Don't let this
happen to me," but it changed nothing. In my heart I knew he was right. A girl is
only a virgin once, because hymens don't heal.
After some time we released our embrace. Gary swept my hair out of my face with his
hand. I let him run his hand down the side of my face. I guess I sort of nuzzled his hand
in return with my cheek. I needed contact at that moment as I had never felt so alone in
my life and Gary's touch brushed away some of that emptiness away.
"Gary? Please tell me we can fix this," I pleaded. "This can't be the
end of the road. Come on!" There was a desperate edge to my voice. Time was ticking
by and I was still a girl. Slowly the conviction grew in my head that I was still going to
be a girl five minutes from now, five hours from now, five days, five months, and five
years from now and....
Blind, black panic filled me. I stared at all of them, and all I saw was sad eyes in
return, except from Rod. He seemed to be enjoying this a little too much.
"Please. This can't be happening. JESUS, I'M NOT SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE
LIKE THIS!" I pleaded for help from those around me. Nothing. Every one of them
had gone back to their lives and left me here alone.
I reached over to Gary and clung to his shirt, "GAAARRRRYYY, PLEEEAAASSSEEEE!
HELP ME!" No words, only despair in his eyes that I could not erase from my
vision.
"Oh God, NO!" I was up now on my feet and hysterical.
"NO!" I shouted with righteous indignation at the top of my lungs. "Please
God. Please."
I was told later that I had been clutching my belly. I remember feeling sick, very sick
to my stomach, like I was going to vomit and pass out. That would have been a blessing,
but I didn't.
"What did I do to deserve this?"
I looked at Gary, "Gary? Please help me. I can't live like this. You all went
back. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I have a life! God Damn it! I have a
LIFE! Somebody help me, please?" I stood pleading to the
helpless faces of people who could not help me.
I started tearing at my flesh. "Out! I want OUT OF
THIS BODY, PLEEAAASSSEEE!" I was really intent on doing some serious
harm. I wanted out, but Gary and Kit were on me before I could do much damage at all apart
from scratching my chest with my nails. I collapsed into Kit's arms. My sobs were now
coming in those screaming, face numbing hysterics you sometime see in very small children
who have become convinced that everything that makes up their universe is about to
collapse and they will have to stand and watch it happen, powerless to stop it.
Kit eased me to the back to the floor, talking softly to me. I don't remember what was
said, but whatever he did was enough to calm me and keep me from hurting myself. He
admitted later that, after all that had happened since he picked me up near my now former
home, he was having trouble identifying me with Mike Vello; that he saw a girl in distress
and he acted. I do remember he covered me back up and made sure I was warm.
"Well, I hate to have to be the one to say it but I think the bitch got exactly
what she deserved." It was Rod. Gary was up with lighting speed. I would never have
thought he was capable of such force and speed, but he was up and away from me and all
over Rod in an instant.
"Oooofffff," Rod exhaled as Gary's right fist sunk deeply into his
stomach.
"Once again Rodney, you fucked us up by withholding important
information!" Gary was about as mad as I've ever seen him. For a moment I had
forgotten my problems. I was too caught up in the surprise and fierceness of Gary's
attack.
"Wait, WAIT..." Rod was pleading as Gary hoisted him up by the
shirt, "What the fuck are you talking about. I didn't do anything! Jesus Christ Gary,
put me down!"
"I'm gonna break all the teeth in your fucking head Rodney and stuff each one up
your snotty little nose. That's just for starters. Then I'm gonna rip you're cock off and
shove it down your fucking throat!"
He threw Rod. I don't mean just tossed him; little ole' Gary launched Rod into the air.
"OOOOOOhhhhh!" Rod yelled as he flew. I knew I was gawking, but I couldn't
help it. I had never seen Gary act like this before. Tears rolled onto my upper lip. I
could feel them hang there, but I couldn't take my eyes off of what was happening.
"Didn't you think that something like this was important? Any one of us could be
trapped in one of those damn things right now. Look at Mike. How the fuck would you like
it if I went and found another female skin, and put it on you? Would you like that? Maybe
bust up the transmitter! Yeah! Frank, get me one of those nice looking female skins. Rod
needs a make over!"
"Fuck you," Rod screamed and was up and running.
"Grab 'em," Gary yelled, but no one complied.
"What's your problem?" Rod screamed at Gary, after he was a safe distance
away.
"That's my best friend! You've fucked up his entire life," Gary screamed
back.
"Just how the hell did I do that? I didn't even see you guys this weekend."
"Rod. If we had known ... if we had known ... if we had just known...." he
said but it no longer had force to it. He sounded weak and defeated.
Rod's eyes popped open and he whispered. "You fucked her! That's what she
meant about not being pregnant. She wasn't kidding was she?" he sounded disgusted and
it made me feel sick to my stomach. Vindicated, Rod set the transmitter on a box near me
and stood up to take the offensive in this fight.
"Made, love," Gary insisted, but I could see no one believed he meant it. For
the first time I could see he was ashamed of what he had done. The tears from the
knowledge of that shame burned worse than any, before or since. I understood why he felt
that way, but that didn't mean I had to like it.
Rod ignored me. He sneered at Gary. "I don't think that's my fault, Gary," he
said pointing at me on the floor. "It sounds like it's your fault. You even said so,
remember? You shouldn't fuck your friends. Fucking pervert!"
With that, Gary was off again, but Frank and Kit stopped him. Both were shouting at
him, "That's not gonna help Mikey, Gary." They grabbed him by the arms and
looked him straight in the eye and just shook their heads "no" as Rod recoiled
from the lunge. Gary cradled his head in his hands.
I was alone, forgotten on the floor with a curtain around me for warmth and modesty. It
looked like I was going to have to wear my prison after all. Slowly, I gathered up the
clothes that lay around me on the floor, the ones I had worn in, the panties, bra, shorts
and top. I pulled them under the curtain and began putting them back on. I hated every
moment of it, because they were my clothes now. On the box next to me I noticed
the transmitter. I snuck a hand out and pulled it beneath the drape I was covered in.
Frank and Kit walked Gary over to a chair and set him down. They had all moved away
from me. Guys and their circle of friends-everything I had ever been told about this
exclusive clique had been true! I just hadn't seen the truism from the inside.
Rod was trying to talk Gary down and keep him from killing him, but he still kept his
distance. I could no longer hear what they were saying, but I discovered that I didn't
really care either.
Getting up, I managed to find my deck shoes. Slipping them on, I made my way toward the
door. No one saw me leave, which was just as well as I didn't want to talk to anyone
anyway. I was no longer a part of their group. They were comforting themselves; licking
their wounds like a pack of dogs I guess you'd say. I just wanted to get out of there.
As I moved out into the night, I noticed that I was getting quite used to the way this
body felt. I guess that was a good thing as it seemed I was going to be living in it for
quite a while. I only heard Gary call my name out once before I was away from the
warehouse.
"Micheellllllle!"
I started to run at the sound of it. I heard footfalls behind me for a brief distance,
but I was faster and before long there was no one following. I didn't see Gary again for
another 48 hours.
Homeless, I spent that first night under an overpass about a mile west of my old room.
The air was warm and I able to get some sleep about an hour before sunrise.
In the morning, sadness turned to rage. I could imagine them all back in their homes,
sleeping in their beds back in their own bodies, enjoying their own lives. As the first
day wore on, fury gave way to wave after wave of despair.
My mind was still struggling with the idea that this was now permanent, that now I
would never be a husband but instead a bride. The idea of man versus maiden spiraled
around in my head and dazed me with it finality.
Women and men are comfortable and happy, for the most part, with their lot in life
because they know no other condition. We have no other frame of reference to draw upon.
Guys love being guys because they grow up finding the experience well suited to their
physical make up and mental attitude about themselves and those around them. Men enjoy the
dominant attitude of their physical being, standing to piss, invader versus invadee
during sex. The point is that men completely associate their existence as masculine,
anything else is more than unacceptable, it's a down right disability. That's exactly how
I felt, as if I had been hobbled -- as though I was now inferior to my previous
incarnation.
I spent a second night out under the overpass. All I had were the shorts and light top
I had worn the night I ran away. I was cold and filled with hate. I was hungry and wanted
to kill. Most of all, I was scared and pitiful. I didn't sleep. I hid behind a clump of
bushes afraid that one of the many homeless men might find me there. I hated my body, but
I wasn't ready to die just yet -- or worse -- and that was what my world had been reduced
to.
Rod had said it best that Friday night in the warehouse. "The world has just
become a very different place for you and you'd do well to remember that." I knew
that rape was now a very real possibility, not because I was now female, but because I was
a homeless female. I had been blessed/cursed with a body that was to die for and if I
wasn't careful that was exactly what I would wind up doing. I knew this because I had been
male. I knew what my kind was capable of. I knew guys that hit girls. Hell I knew two guys
that hit women because it gave them a hard-on. I remembered very clearly how Rod, as a
very small Chinese youth, had leaped on me and over-powered me in the time it took me to
blink.
All this was made worse by the fact that I couldn't stop thinking how close I had come
to getting out of this mess, out of this body. Twenty hours for God sake, and now I'd
never be rid of it. I was locked inside this body forever. Hell, I couldn't even use
another skin to get my masculinity back - even if it was as another person. This was the
end of the road.
The one time I stepped outside the lines and this is what happens. I had been a
by-the-book kind of guy. I never challenged authority. I never cheated. I never took
shortcuts. If somebody gave me too much change on my credit chip when I bought something;
I always gave it back -- always. Guys like Rod and Gary and Kit; they never did shit like
that. They kept the money. They always stepped outside what I saw as the limits of right
and wrong and nothing ever happened to them. I do it once and I get stuck with being a
girl for the rest of my fucking life? It was not fucking fair!
This was not what I had wanted for myself. All my college credit was gone. I couldn't
go home. The cold seemed colder in this body, less body fat I supposed. My identity had
been stolen from me, my talent, my band, my entire life.
Gary had the last of my tuition money. I was grateful that he had taken that cash chip
out when we left. I was going to need it. I had to leave this place. I could no longer
stay here in this town with all the things Mike had known always around to remind me of
that which I could no longer have, my life. At least I had some cash -- and this useless
transmitter.
I cradled the transmitter in my hands. Maybe, given time, I could find someone that
could reverse what had happened to me. Who had it been -- a historical figure as I recall
-- that was famous for saying, "Keep Hope Alive." That's what I had to do now --
keep hope alive.
When the sun came up I made my way over to a corner-fueling depot and inside I found
the restrooms. I started to go into the men's room and stopped cold. First, I examined the
features of the symbol on that door. Then I looked at the symbol on the women's room door
and my future as I slowly removed my hand from the handle of the men's room and opened the
door to the ladies' room.
It was just a public rest room, but I felt out of place here, as thought I might be
exposed as a fake at any time. There were no urinals, just stalls, but it smelled cleaner
than most public restrooms I had been in. That was a small plus, but hey, I was takin'
what I could get these days.
Moving to the mirror, I saw that my reflection was a hideous thing. My hair was wet and
pasted to my scalp. I seemed too pale to be healthy. My clothes were dirty. Hell, I was
dirty - and I was starting to stink. Yuck!
I took another look around the room and saw a handicapped stall, "Thank God,"
I muttered. Entering the stall, I locked the door behind me and turned around to examine
it and it was more than I could have hoped for: a sink, a toilet and, on the wall, an air
powered hand dryer.
I quickly began to strip off my clothes, no longer self-conscious about being in the
girls' restroom. I only wanted to be clean. Quickly, I filled the sink with warm water,
dumped a little soap from the dispenser into it and stuffed my clothes and underwear deep
into the water. Then I gave them a quick squeeze here and there and then let them soak.
I relieved myself, which I had done precious little of out in the open where I just
couldn't get used to squatting and peeing. I had tried the night before and quickly found
out that it's best to position yourself on a grade so that the urine flows away from you
as moving out of the way once squatted is quite difficult. It seemed much easier just to
hold it until I simply couldn't any longer. As a result of the experience, I had developed
a deep sympathy for girls that went out on long drives with guys that took for granted
that they could just whip it anywhere and pee while leaving their dates to suffer in the
car -- a lot of times with a bunch of other people if they were in their teens out
watching the submarine races. Thinking back, I guess I had been guilty of that a few times
myself. Things like that just don't hit you until the high-heeled shoe is suddenly
superglued to the other foot.
Using large quantities of paper towels, I washed my face and arms and then went to work
on any other place that needed washing. After I had finished working on myself, I rinsed
my clothes, rung them out as best I could. It didn't work very well. When I had been male,
I used to do this in a pinch and it seemed I was able to get my clothes so much dryer. I
then activated the dryer and dried out my underwear and put those back on. Next my shorts
and top were dried.
Lastly I washed my hair. I used the soap from the dispenser again as I had no other
choice. Even with the harsh soap from the dispenser, my hair still felt unnaturally soft
afterwards. I shivered a bit as a thought raced though my mind, "genetic
perfection." I was scientifically engineered. Why shouldn't my hair be perfect?
I was an abomination, a 'Vision of the Master Race.' The thought flashed
through my mind as I looked at myself in the mirror and a shiver went through me. Shaking
those thoughts off, I dried my hair in the old blow dryer mounted on the wall. I had been
here maybe half an hour.
Over the sound of the dryer and through the bathroom door I could hear music that
sounded distantly familiar being pumped in though the stations ceiling speakers. When the
dryer quit and I walked out into the station I heard my voice, Mike's deep masculine
voice, floating down from the speakers.
Never meant to hurt you
But now I know have
Gonna stay right up here, girl
Till I find what I once had
Taken on the snow now
That falls without your love
Everything is cold here
Dead without your love
I was absolutely floored and I started jumping up and down, pointing at the speakers
and squealing, "THAT'S ME! THAT'S ME! OHMYGODTHAT'SME!"
Livin' on a mountain top
Up here all alone
Waitin' on a miracle
But all my miracles are gone
Come and save me from myself girl
Now I see what I've undone
Come and me whole girl
Come and take me home
There were two people at the counter and one behind it. All three stopped to look at me
as I continued to dance around and scream. "AAAAHHHHH. I can't God damn believe it. EEEEEEEEEE!"
I ran over the lady standing second in line and grabbed her sleeve and shook her,
"Do you hear that? That's ME!" "Who's you?" the lady said
politely but looking very distressed that like she was being mugged as she extracted her
sleeve from my hand.
"That song. It's me. Me and my band," I said. I must have been looking at her
as if she had lost her mind.
She asked, "Are you playing one of the instruments?"
"Noooo. I sing."
"Dear, that's the poor boy who's missing. That can't be you, can it?"
Again, that sick feeling of being disconnected from reality swept over me. My voice was
being broadcast over the radio. I was a success and I would never be able to enjoy it.
"Do you mean you sing harmony, Dear?" she asked.
My heart was broken. I can only imagine the look of despondency on my face as I looked
stupidly about the room at the confused faces that stared back at me. I responded in
dreary voice with my head hung down, "Yeah, whatever!" and turned and left.
The man behind the counter spoke up, "Do you need help Miss? Hey, don't
leave."
I didn't respond. I walked out and let the glass door of the station shut behind me.
With no other choices, I walked off toward Gary's house to get what was left of my money
and get the hell out of this town. Maybe I'd stop by and see my Mom and Dad one last time,
not talk to them mind you, just see them one last time?
I called Gary's house early in the morning and reversed the charges on the call. It was
only a couple of dollars, not much, and if they didn't take the call, well I was no worse
off than before. I didn't want Gary's Mom or Dad seeing me the way I looked, either, so I
found one of those old phone-style communications devices in a booth.
After several rings, Karen answered. I had hoped beyond hope that it would have been
Gary, but he wasn't at home. Karen told me he was having an interview with the police
about my disappearance and I could feel my gore rise in my throat. I just knew I was going
to get sick right there, but I managed to keep it in check and force myself to calm down.
Then I tried to extract as much information as possible from Gary's Mom without raising
suspicion.
"I'm sure this is a very hard time for all of you," I told her.
"Especially poor Gary."
I tried to sound as sympathetic as I could considering I was expressing condolences for
myself. At least once I had the urge to break out in hysterical laughter at the idea that
I was offering sympathy for a dead guy that wasn't dead at all.
"Yes, it's very sad, but we're all confident that he'll turn up soon," she
told me.
"Don't hold your breath!" I thought.
"I do hope he does," I responded aloud. "Listen, I don't want to seem
insensitive about this. I know it must be taking a toll on Gary, but the reason I called
..."
"Yes?" she asked and waited.
"I ... I left my purse somewhere and I was hoping that it was when Gary and I were
out the other night. I was hoping that perhaps he had found it and still had it."
"I'll ask him when he gets back, but I'm sure he would have mentioned it. He did
want me to get a number or an address where you could be reached if you called though. So
perhaps he does have it after all. Is there someplace he can reach you?"
I had no answer for her. I couldn't very well go to their house dressed in her old
clothing, dirty and after sleeping out in open for the last two days -- if you can call
what I had been doing at night sleeping. I didn't want to tell her to have Gary meet me
anywhere either since I didn't know what Gary's state of mind was right now and I didn't
want to temp the fates and make another mistake that might cost me my freedom in addition
to what I had already lost. What I wanted was to take time to talk to him over the VID
first, before we met someplace if I could. Then I wanted to impress upon him the need to
take care in the things he said to others and to make sure our stories were on the same
page. Most of all I wanted to make sure he wasn't followed.
I was sure that all my friends were under some cloud of suspicion by the police. I
didn't know if my new face had shown up on any of those ATM photos but I didn't want to
find out the hard way. The way I saw it, I was already being punished enough. I didn't
want to wind up in women's prison on top of it all.
"I tell you what. I'll try to call him later. I won't be able to be easily reached
for most of the week," I said finally.
"Well, if you're sure. I mean it is your purse and all. I know how panicked I'd be
if I lost mine," she said sounding perplexed.
"I'll call tonight, I do want my purse back, but I'm sure I left it with Gary. I'm
doing stuff like that all the time so I'm used to it." That seemed to reassure her
somewhat.
I said my good-byes, responded to her expressed hope that we would meet soon and
disconnected the phone. Looking around at the early afternoon I seemed so far from where I
used to live at the dorm building, yet, as risky as it was, I just couldn't help the
feeling that I needed to go there to see what was happening. I didn't think anyone would
really notice one young disheveled-looking girl watching a police investigation. If there
was one even still going on that is.
I crossed the street in the same place Gary and I had first crossed when we reappeared
in the world as I was now. No one seemed to take much notice of me this time unlike before
when I had playfully flirted with other girls' husbands and boy friends. Although I had
done a pretty good job of cleaning up, I imagined that in the bright sun light people
could see things I had missed in the light of a dimly lit convenience store restroom.
I walked along, somewhat self-conscious about my appearance, and curious about what I
might find going on around my building. As a result, I was distracted and not paying
attention to where I was going when I slammed into someone walking in the opposite
direction.
"Oh!" I exclaimed and staggered backwards trying to maintain my balance.
"Shit!" he said surprised by the sudden contact.
"Uh Oh!" I lost my balance and toppled over backward, landing hard on my
fanny.
Click. I could hear the sound of my teeth slam together and the faint echo it made
against the wall of the building as the sound bounced back. I was very lucky my tongue
hadn't been between them when they came together.
"Ooooohhhhh! That hurt," I moaned. I leaned over and rubbed one cheek of my
fanny.
I could hear the guy I had bumped into starting to say, "Ouch! Hey, I'm
sorry." He looked down to see who it was he had just clobbered.
"Oh shit! MIKE ... MICHELLE!"
My head snapped up to see who had spoken, but I already recognized the voice. It was
Gary. My heart leaped at the sight of him, in spite of my anger at him and pity for myself
and before I could stop myself, I smiled.
"Oh my God, I've been looking everywhere for you," he said. He sounded
excited, rushed and half-crazy with distress. "Jesus, where the hell have you been?
Why the hell haven't you called me? I have to tell you, I'm more than just a little bit
pissed off at you."
"You are?" I asked. "And just what entitles you to be pissed with
me?"
"I ... ah, err ..." he stuttered as a look of confusion spread across his
face. "Why, because I ca ... care about what happens to you, that's what," he
responded defensively. "Here. Give me your hand. Let me help you up." He reached
out to me, but I refused to take his hand. It hurt a bit to start out this way. My heart
wanted me to throw my arms around him and hug him hard, but what was left of my male pride
was standing between my now female heart and Gary. The pride was winning. I managed to
slowly get up without Gary's help and then I stood there brushing myself off while Gary
continued.
"Are you OK? God, you look like shit." I just looked at him with a surprised
look on my face, eyebrows raised. "Not that I ... I mean.... Well, that's not what I
meant. You look great. Aw hell, you know what I mean, God damn it."
I just stood and regarded him.
"Come on. Say something, for Christ's sake!"
"Life sucks! I am a woman for the rest of my life. I've lost everything. I have no
ID, no home, no money and no food. I’m scared, cold and hungry. Other than that, I'm
doin' pretty good pal. How's that? What the hell do you want me to say? I've adjusted
well? The God damned ride isn't over for me Gary. It’s never going to be over.
I’m a regular ‘Urban Legend’ How the hell am I supposed to feel about
that?"
I tried to pace off some of the anxiety that was building. "Am I OK? No," I
said, pacing a bit more and then I got in his face and added, "Fuck No, OK? I'm not
OK. OK?"
"OK! I got it," he said with an ashamed look on his face.
"Do you? How the hell could you possibly get it? Shit Gary, I don't even
get it. I've awakened in this body for the last four days and the only thing I can think
of is that the same damn thing is going to happen tomorrow." I was pretty angry now
and I was having a hard time keeping the pitch of my voice under control. "I had a
life Gary. What the hell am I supposed to with this one?"
"I ..." he stated and I cut him off.
"You know what's funny?" I continued. "I was ready to run away with you
two days ago. If you had asked me to marry you, I would have done it." I hung my head
and shook it. "What the hell was I thinking?"
"Look, from where I'm standing, nothing has changed," he said taking my hands
in his.
I jerked my hands out of his and noticed, with a twang of regret, the hurt look on his
face when I did.
"How can you say that? You've changed!"
"I don't know what to tell you. I would have done anything to keep what we
had." He sounded defeated and it was depressing to listen to him. I felt like I was
ripping the rug out from underneath him. "If I had known what was about to happen
that night though, would you have preferred that I stay as the man you fell in love
with?"
"Gary, please ..."
"No, I want to know," he insisted.
"I don't think that's ..."
"Answer the question Michelle!" he was angry, and why not. He felt he was
loosing as much as I felt I had already lost. I guess I could understand a little how he
must have felt.
"No, I don't. That man was wanted by the police. I know that everything you said
was true. Even if we had run away without the knowledge that my fate was already sealed,
you would have been caught. We both would have been caught and arrested for something
neither one of us was guilty of doing. We don't know enough about being fugitives to have
gotten away."
"That's not what I asked you."
"Please don't make me say this Gary, please."
He did offer me a reprieve. I cleared my throat and spoke softly. "The man I fell
in love with is standing right in front of me." A single tear slipped from the corner
of my eye and rolled down my face.
I looked up at him and smiled a weak, sad smile. "But I fell in love with you in a
different time Gary. That was when I could still go back -- or thought I could. That was
when we were going through it together. Now it's just me, Gary. Don't
you see that?"
"No, frankly I don't. After what we shared and felt for each other I'm hurt that
you would think that I would just go on as if nothing had ever happened. What kind of
person do you think I am?"
"You got your life back Gary. You'll go to school and you'll carry on, but I'm
left here on this `adventure', one that was your idea, by the way, and there's no
way back for me. This is just so surreal. I can't believe I'm having to deal with
this."
"Got my life back? I had a life two days ago and I lost it when you ran out of
that warehouse the other night. It vanished into the night with you. The only thing I got
back was the face of that person that seemed to always fuck up his life. My life started
when you gave me a reason to live it."
"It can't be like that now," I said flatly.
"I don't believe you!" he cried. "I don't think you believe
that either." The anguish in his voice was unmistakable. "I'm not a whole person
without you. Male or female, we are only one half of one person separately. Don't you see
that? Why can't you see that? All I've ever wanted is to find someone like you and I would
never have realized it if not for last weekend."
There was a long pause in our dialog. Both of us were now openly weeping, each of us
trying to hide our tears from the passing throngs by continually wiping the tears from our
cheeks and lowering our heads to hide our eyes.
I finally decided to tell Gary about the core of my plan. "I'm leaving Gary."
I thought his eyes were going to pop out and roll around on the pavement of the
sidewalk. "What the hell did you say?"
"I'm moving away. I need my money back."
"You can't have it," he said with a confidence that made me mad.
"And you can't leave either."
I laughed a short, thick, phlegmy laugh of surprise at his attempt to dominate me.
"I'm leaving Gary and that's that. Now please, can we arrange for me to get my money
back?"
He paced about for a while. I knew he was thinking about how to delay the inevitable.
"Gary don't stress out on this, it's hard enough for me as it is, but I have to
leave. You can see that can't you?"
"No," he flashed at me pushing his face into mine until we were nose to nose.
He was angry now and defensive. I could see that I had just threatened to take something
away from him that was nearly as valuable as his life, perhaps more valuable. I have never
admitted this until now, but I was a little scared of him at that moment. It was the only
time I have ever had that feeling with Gary, but, at the time, it surprised me.
"No. I don't see that at all. God damn it Michelle, what the hell happened last
weekend? Did I imagine that? Was it fake? It was very real for me."
"I felt those things too, Gary." The truth was that I was still feeling them.
I was being ripped apart little by little by my love for Gary. By Sunday, having admitted
I was in love with Gary, I knew I would never be able to stuff that demon back in side
it's box. It was killing me to try to convince not only Gary but myself that was no longer
true. "I was ready to run away with you and stay like this voluntarily. Maybe that
would have been better. Then I would never have known that I had no choice in staying this
way."
"So you're blaming me? If I hadn't have made it back to where you and Kit picked
me up you would have been just as stuck. Would that have made a difference?"
"I'm not blaming you. You ... you were very ... helpful." Ouch! There are
still times in my life that I realize only after it's too late that I should have kept my
mouth shut.
"HELPFUL?" he exclaimed. He just stood there staring at me and I
felt small and completely insignificant.
"Oh hell!" I said.
"Yeah, something like that," he responded. "Here." He shoved his
hand deep into his pockets and pulled out a clear polycase with my cash chip in it and
shoved it in my hand. "I don't want to wish you good luck because I want you to stay,
but I will, because I can see that it makes no difference to you how I feel, so take
it."
"Gary. Of course it matters, but I can't stay here. What do you think it's going
to be like for me living in the town where I disappeared? My folks don't even know I'm not
coming back yet Gary. Right now they have hope that Mike will be found alive. You and I
know the real truth don't we?" I reached up and took his face in my hands. He was
still taller but only by a few inches now. "Mike is gone and can't come
back. As much as they adored my sister and ignored me, I know that they still cared
something about me and when I ... he ... Mike, isn't found...," I stammered shaking
my head, correcting myself; "How the hell can I sit in this town and watch the
memorials and news reports knowing what I know? How the hell can I stay here knowing how
much pain I caused them? It would be too much of a temptation to go to them, to try to
ease their pain, but I can't do that, now can I?"
All Gary could do was to look back at me with large watery eyes. He hadn't thought that
deep into the problem. Tears were leaking in a steady torrent from the corners his eyes
even as he tried to maintain his composure; I saw this and struggled to keep my emotions
in check.
"Please, can I say something?" he pleaded. "Wait, I'm not
finished." I stepped closer to him. I didn't want to be overheard. I was aware that
some of the passersby were slowing to eavesdrop a little on our conversation, strangers
trying to listen to two squabbling lovers I supposed.
I spoke in a soft low tone. "Do you have any idea the complexity of this issue for
me? I'm female now. Permanently and irreversibly a girl everywhere, even up here." I
touched my hand to my temple to indicate that my emotional personality and desires were
now becoming completely female as well. "But I don't want to be. I want to be a guy
again. What kind of future does that leave open for me as a heterosexual female? Do you
see the bigger problem now?" This time I took his hand as I spoke to him. I couldn't
help myself. I wanted to touch him as I had just a few days ago.
"It wasn't a problem Sunday?" he said and I sighed. No, he was right it
wasn't a problem a day before that. I was willing to keep what I had been forced into if
only I could have been allowed keep what I had found, love. Was I just making excuses now?
A flash of lighting bolted against my brain. An idea of something just out of sight and
out of reach. Had I lost what I had found? Was it truly gone, or just hidden from me? I
was more confused than ever. I tried a new angle, reason, rationalization or excuse --
pick one.
"Gary, this isn't an issue of just male versus female anymore either. My identity
is gone. Who the hell am I now? I have no ID, no proof of my education, my family line,
hell, medical history. Gary, I have no home, no place to go. What the hell am I supposed
to do for an identity?"
The tears were attracting the attention of more passersby. Some stopped, I'm sure, to
make sure that the young weeping young lady wasn't being hurt, but when they saw that the
young man with her was also weeping, they thought better of it and moved along or hung
back to eavesdrop.
"Where the hell are you going to go? Have you thought out a plan? As you said, you
don't even have any ID. If you're going to try to travel, just how far do you think you're
going to get without ID?" Now it was my turn to feel stupid. What the hell had I been
thinking? I was even more trapped than I had first suspected. It was beginning to look as
though I was going to wind up in prison no matter what I did.
"My money. I can probably buy false ID with that." I glanced down at the
polycase he had shoved in my hand. "But that will probably use it all up."
There was a great pause while neither of us spoke. I was running out of ideas fast. I
could spend what I had on identification, but I would be with out any other resources, or
I could take my chances away from here but run out of resources on the road. With no ID
there would be no job, no income -- not of legitimate means anyway.
"I have an answer," he offered emotionlessly.
To listen would be to get pulled in. I was now more desperate than I had thought I was.
The Post-War Citizenry Tracking Agency would eventually nail me down as an unregistered
female. Could the government know how valuable a tool this was with the advent of skins?
Probably, but then skins don't exist right? I had to get into the database somehow -- that
or disappear, which would mean finding a way to live without having an income or needing
medical attention or paying taxes. This was a daunting challenge, tried by many and only
succeeded at by a small minority. I said nothing, but waited for him to drop the other
shoe.
"I rented an apartment this morning. I thought you would want to move in after
what had happened. I guess that was a stupid idea, huh?"
I wish I could have seen the look on my face -- I really do -- but it felt as if my jaw
would come unhinged and my eyes would roll right out of their sockets. It seemed Gary was
on his own in the world.
While I was touched, I was also careful not to let it show. After all, how in the hell
could anything possible work out between the two of us now?
My mind told me that nothing had changed since Saturday night, noting that I was still
the same girl that had needed his warm, comforting touch and wisdom. "You were in
love with him in a not so way back when. What the hell is different from Saturday and
Sunday to now?" argued the left half of my brain.
The right half shot back with, "He got you into this mess and then left you
here, as a girl, with no way back. Yeah, he's one hell of a good friend. I'll tell you
what he really wants. He wants what you've got tucked away inside your shorts missy -- and
when he gets you pregnant, how long do you think he'll stick around? You think you got
troubles now, crawl into his bed with him again and see what real trouble is."
It was the start of a long and black affair with my thoughts that would take the reasoning
of a wiser person than me to dispel.
I tried to shove those thoughts away but they wouldn't leave me completely. Part of me
believed the logic centers of my brain. Never mind that when we had made love it had always
been me that had initiated it.
"It was a sweet idea, Gary, but it can't work out between us. I think you know
that, don't you?"
"I guess I do now, but that's not my answer, it's yours. You can still move in,
it's a huge two-bedroom apartment. You can have your own room and I can still have my best
friend. Then you'll have some time to figure out what to do and to get some
identification. It's almost the best of both worlds.
"There he goes again, charging in on the white steed of his and saving your
ass! What the hell's not to love here?" said my left-brain.
I had to admit to myself that it sounded like a workable answer. There was the issue of
being a team player again though. I wasn't going to be working any time soon without a
job; I'd soon be broke. How would I be able to cover my half of the expenses?
"If I do this Gary, there has to be an understanding." He nodded his
agreement before hearing the conditions. "We're friends and nothing more. I don't
want you believing that there is more to this relationship than that, OK?"
He nodded again, but I could see his heart wasn't in it. Frankly, neither was mine. I
hated the idea that our friendship had been reduced to stipulating that it was nothing
more than just that, a friendship. Not to mention that I was putting conditions on his
kindness and generosity. I felt like a truly spoiled and rotten little shit, so I decided
to do something that would at least make me feel a little better about laying down the
rules the way I was.
"Second, you have to take this money back to help pay for my expenses. I don't
know when I'll have the opportunity to get a job and contribute. This should hold me over
until I can figure out what the hell I'm going to do."
"And what are you going to do when you have to buy a registered ID or a ticket
some place. No, I got you into this mess and I'm going to pay to make this as right as I
can until you figure out what you're going to do. You're second rule is overruled!"
he insisted.
I looked down into my hand where the polycase sat, glanced once more for confirmation
in Gary's eyes, saw what I needed to see and folded the chip back up into my hand so it
could not be seen.
"Thanks Gary. You're very sweet," I told him. "OK then, I guess you've
got a roommate."
"All right!" he yelled gleefully and I was happy too. 'No more nights
under the Franklin overpass,' I wanted him to hold me. My entire body physically
ached with that need. At that moment I could have changed the entire thing. I could have
run into his arms and been happy. I could have allowed him to take me to his bed and have
me as his lover. I thought these things as I moved in closer and hugged him. I remember
thinking just how good it was to have him back in my arms, but that damned right side of
my brain wanted me to understand just how much responsibility Gary had in all this,
forcing me to keep my emotional distance.
The people scattered around us, the ones that had gathered to watch what they assumed
were two quarreling lovers trying to resolve their differences, started to applaud.
CHAPTER NINE:
The Way Of Things |
That embrace in front of my old home was the last time I was that close to the life I
had been born to and I felt a profound sadness leaving it behind. It was more than being
forced to go forward in life wearing someone else's body. It was a separation from the
place where I had started my independent life. It was the point in time where my journey
into male adulthood had begun and, it seemed, had ended.
We walked away from the abandoned dorm room. I could imagine the scene inside. My
mind's eye could see my clothing, books, papers and schoolwork tossed about in the name of
the search for evidence. I wanted my pictures and keepsakes, the small trinkets that I
took with me from home when I moved out, things my sister gave me. It was all gone for me
now.
Gary did suggest that I spend just a little of the money I had. His first suggestion
was some inexpensive but presentable clothes for me to wear. The next expense was on a
hotel room in his name, since he had ID. He assured me that he would pay me back for all
of it in three days. He had been promised an advance on his pay from his Dad in return for
coming to work at the restaurant.
I was happy to spend some of the money and I didn't tell Gary that I had no intention
of letting him pay me back. It would be worth any amount money I had to spend to have a
bath and a soft bed to lay down on for just five minutes. Nothing in this world can give
you such an appreciation for a mattress than sleeping on the cold hard ground under a city
overpass.
Around the corner was a store called Second Hand Rose. We slipped in and right
away Gary stepped forward to talk to the young girl at the counter. I hung back, I wasn't
used to interacting with others in this disguise yet and wanted to minimize contact where
I could for now. When Gary put himself in charge I just let him take the reigns. After
all, I was happy to let him take care of my troubles.
Gary came back to and said, "Her name is Amy. She said she could help you get into
some jeans and a few shirts and some new, clean underwear. She won't ask any questions,
and if she does just smile and say nothing. Give me the chip case and I'll hold it while
you dress. In the mean time, I'll go get you a decent room and some food. Would you like
anything special to eat?"
"Ooooh food," I whispered in awe of the word and the idea. "I don't
care, just lots of it."
"You'll want to watch that girlish figure of yours won't you?" he said with a
sheepish grin.
"You know, you're right. Get me some raw veggies and about eight hundred pounds of
pancakes and syrup," I said with a smile. It felt good to crack a joke for a change.
I handed him my cash chip and allowed my hand to remain in his for just a moment.
"Thank you," I mouthed to him as Amy came over with some things she thought
might fit. Gary smiled in return.
"Hi, I'm Amy," she said sticking out her hand from under a folded pile of
pants, jeans, skirts and blouses in a gesture meant to get me to shake it. I did and
responded, "Hi. I'm Michelle."
"Cool. Wow, you're really pretty. I hope you're not here when Bobby comes to pick
me up," she said and smiled.
"Bobby?" I asked.
She had started sorting out the clothes she was holding. In response to my question,
she looked up and said with a smile, "My boyfriend."
"Oh." I could feel myself blushing. "I must look like something that
just crawled out of a grave. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Besides
you're very pretty too." And she was, it was no overstatement. She was about my build
(maybe a bit thinner than me), ample breasts, and lovely long blond hair that appeared to
be natural and large brown eyes that reminded me of Japanese Anime art.
"Yeah, right," she said dismissing my compliment. "Come on. Your
boyfriend wants me to fashion you up. I want to do it and get you out of here before my
boyfriend gets here."
I glanced over at Gary with raised eyebrows, and he just shrugged at me as if to say, "I
never once said boyfriend".
We turned and made toward the back of the store. She glanced over her shoulder and eyed
Gary one last time before he ducked out. "But I think I could stand to let mine go if
you wanted to trade."
I laughed at the idea that she really thought Gary was my boyfriend, and she
said, "Yeah, I thought that's what you'd say."
She led me to the back of the store where the changing rooms were, handed me the stack
of clothes and opened the door for me. I stepped in and closed the door behind me.
"So how long have two been together?" she asked me.
"No questions? Yeah right!" I groused internally.
"Um. We're not really together, we only just meet the other day."
"Oh that's bad," I thought. "What the hell is he doing buying you
clothes then? Just keep your fucking mouth closed."
"Oh yeah?" she sounded hopeful.
"We're just roommates."
"Oh." Now she sounded just as deflated as she had hopeful a moment before.
In the dressing room, on the other side of the privacy curtain, I undid the shorts and
stripped them off. They had not loosened up a bit since I had first started to wear them
three days ago. They had to be some of the tightest clothes I had ever worn, but not so
tight that they dug into my skin, just snug and I longed for something more causal to
wear. I unfolded a pair of well-worn straight leg jeans from the stack and unzipped them
and slipped first one slender leg in and then the next. I remembered thinking to myself, "Those
are yours now," and shivered at the idea.
"Why is it...?" Amy started with the questions again, so I cut her off.
"So how long have you and Bobby -- you did say Bobby right? How long have you two
been going out?" She seemed to perk up at the idea of a real conversation with more
than just one person doing all the talking, or asking as it were.
"Almost four months now, but I haven't slept with him yet," she offered.
"That was more information than I needed!" I thought. "Thanks for
sharing that with me."
"I guess that guy must be a real good friend, huh? What’s his name?" I
figured there was no point in not answering. It would be easy enough to for someone to
figure out who had been here. Best to avoid suspicion by not acting suspicious.
"Gary. His name is Gary and yes, he's a very dear friend. He's been very sweet and
kind to me," I told her as I zipped up the jeans and started to remove my shirt to
try on one of the ones in the stack.
Suddenly the curtain opened and there was Amy saying, "So let me see how this
stuff fi ... oh shit! What the hell happened to you?"
I was so surprised by the sudden intrusion that I didn't even have the good sense to
cover up. When I realized that I was half-naked, and that my boobs were the half that was
naked, I tried desperately to cover up. Even if it was another girl, I wasn't used to
exposing myself, as a female, to anyone -- other than Gary. I got myself covered too late
and Amy saw the now healing scratches on my chest that disappeared underneath my bra.
"Did he do that to you?" she asked. She seemed to be getting angry.
"What?"
"THAT!" she shouted and pointed one slender and perfectly
manicured nail at my chest.
"You mean Gary? God no! He's the most gentle man I know of," I said. Why the
hell hadn't I seen that one coming? "Because before you were never a candidate for
abuse before, butt head."
"You don't have to protect him. I've been hit before too. I know you think you
love him but if he does shit like that to you-then ..." Her words echoed off the
walls of my skull and my heart broke for her. She was sharing with me sister-to-sister,
something every girl knows. It was the knowledge that men could be brutal. She was
affirming her understanding that men were bigger and stronger than most women. They could
exercise their will over us by brute force if they so decided and that was the risk we all
shared. She was showing me that we could stick together and didn’t have to accept
that fate. I shuddered once more the countless ways in which I could never have imagined
that my world had changed.
"No, you don't understand," I said and held my nails up to the scratch marks
and showed her that the distance between them matched those of my fingers and the size of
the scratches were the same size as my nails. I couldn't tell her I had been panic
stricken, that I was trying to get free or what I had been trying to free myself from.
These self-inflicted wounds were the result of trying to strip the flesh of this body off
of me the night that I realized that I had became Michelle once and for all.
"You did that? Why?" she whispered, absolutely confused beyond recovery.
"Look, I don't want to go into it if that's all right? I just haven't been feeling
well," I could feel my voice breaking up as I spoke. "If it hadn't have been for
Gary, well these might be a whole lot worse. That's all I want to say about that
now."
"I'm sorry, I was just trying to be helpful. I won't ask any more questions.
Please forgive me." I could see she felt bad, but I was grateful that this little
scene had happened the way it did. She seemed satisfied that I was having some emotional
problems of some sort and that Gary was helping me through them.
"I just knew he was something special though," she continued. "Most guys
wouldn't have a thing to do with a girl with a problem, not if they thought they might
have to do something to fix it or to lift a finger to help. Girls with baggage are like,
broken, you know? At least most guys seem to think so. You're very lucky to have a friend
as nice and good-looking as he is."
I considered that first part and I supposed she was right. Here he was again, baling me
out of another crisis, albeit with my money, but that was the only resource we had right
now. Gary's intention was to pay me back and I knew he would try with all his powers of
persuasion to get me to accept his money.
"Yeah, but he got you into this mess, don't forget that." This time the left
half won out when it replied, "No, I got myself into this mess by not saying 'NO'.
Not once did I stand up and just say no. Perhaps I got what I deserved." Then
another voice, one that sounded somewhat familiar, but from deep inside my head, said,
"Or what you were destined for."
"What?" I asked thinking at first that voice had been Amy's.
"I said, when you're done with him, let me know OK?"
I slipped on the shirt that was in my hand and responded absentmindedly, "Ah ...
yeah, OK."
"There. Let me see. Girlfriend, you'd look great in late grunge."
I turned to the mirror. The look was neither sloppy nor neat. It was comfortable, more
along the lines of what I was used to as a guy. The jeans were not loose but comfortable
with some slack in the fabric, although I was surprised to see that enough of the lines
and curves of my body still showed through to leave little to the imagination. "I
guess I'm going to have to start wearing sweats everywhere I go to do that,"
I thought. The red shirt was a bit snug but it was stretchy and comfortable. My only
problem with it was that it made my boobs really stick out. I just wasn't used to showing
them off and I really didn't like the effect it had on me.
"All that stuff is the same size. You can try it all on if you want. Some of it's
bound not to fit, but if you want, you can just pick out what you want and if something
doesn't fit, just bring it back to me. I'll give you your money back with no
problem," Amy assured me.
"Just put it all in a bag for me. I'll go ahead and take it all," I said.
"Hand me those shorts on the floor and that sweater. I'll pack that in a separate
bag."
"You can throw that stuff out. I don't want it."
"Oh, but it's so cute," she squealed.
"You want it? You can have it." I was glad to be rid of it.
"No, I couldn't," she said holding it up to her to see if it might fit. She
thought better of and said, "I'll bag it up too. If you don't want it, you throw it
out. It wouldn't fit me anyway, not enough butt to fill this out, you know?" She
grabbed up the rest of the stuff and spirited it away to pack it up for me.
I went back up to the front of the store to wait for Amy to return with my packages and
for Gary to come back from getting a room someplace. As I did, it came to me that Amy had
said that she knew that Gary was someone special. "Since when?" I wondered.
Where did she know Gary from and why the hell, if she knew him, didn't she know his name.
Amy was back in just a few minutes and I decided that there was enough doubt in my mind
to warrant asking her the same questions I was formulating in my head.
"So you know Gary?" I asked.
"Me? No. I've seen him. He hangs around this side of town and I've seen him in the
clubs around the strip up by the college a couple blocks up. He hangs out with that singer
from that band, Tidewater. You know, that guy that's missing?"
*Cough. Cough. GAGK!* I was so badly shaken by the suddenness of being confronted with
the issue of my own disappearance that I started to cough and strangle as my throat closed
up and my mouth went dry.
"Are you Ok? Holy shit, you're turning white. Did you know him? Oh God that's it
isn't, you know that missing guy, don't you? I'm sorry. Christ, of course you do. You're
hanging out with his friend."
"No," I croaked. "It's OK. Cough. I'm OK," I said trying to
recover. "I didn't know him. I've heard Gary talk about him though."
"Oh, that's good." She stopped. "I mean ... it's not good. It awful. I
mean ... Oh God, why can't I just keep my mouth shut?" The bell over the door rang
and she looked out into the store. "Oh good, here comes Gary!" She seemed
relieved.
I was just stepping out of the dressing room and was greeted with Gary's enthusiastic
voice. "Wow! Very nice."
"Please. It's just jeans Gary," I said doubtful tone in my voice, but inside
I was really pleased. I told myself that I had to curb that feeling.
"Whatever. You look great," he said and just stared at me.
"You want to pay the girl?" I asked him and turned to look at Amy who was
staring at Gary the way Gary was staring at me. Oh boy.
"Huh? Oh yeah, how much?" he turned and asked Amy.
"What?" Amy asked.
Like I said, "Oh boy."
"What do we owe you?" he said.
"Oh, uh ... let's see." She started to quickly tap out some items on the
digital inventory system, there was a beep and she said. "Call it $62.58." She
looked up with a shy smile and it fell from her face when she realized Gary was not
looking at her.
He handed her the cash chip without looking up and turned back to talk to me.
"Thanks," she said sounding very disappointed, but Gary didn't notice.
I raised my eyebrows at him and he did the same as if to say "What?" I
jerked my head in Amy's direction and he shook his head as if he still didn't understand,
so I did it again. This time he looked over to see what I was jerking my head at. She had
debited what was due from the chip and returned it to the counter and she was looking at
him again with that dreamy look in her eyes and holding out the chip.
"Thanks," he said as he took it and did a double take as she held on to his
hand as he pulled it away. I couldn't help myself I had to giggle at that. I could see Amy
had heard me. She blushed and quickly let go of Gary's hand.
I took my bag of clothes and made for the door. Gary held the door for me and didn't
look back to see if Amy was looking, but I did. She was daydreaming at the counter,
watching Gary leave. The sigh I heard before the door closed was deep and long. I felt
sorry for the girl, but I felt equally as good for myself. I wasn't alone for now. I had
time to figure this thing out and I had the help of a good friend to help me. Things were
finally looking up and after what had seemed like a thousand years of emptiness, I was
feeling better and somewhat hopeful. Although it had only been three days, it had sure
felt a lot longer than that!
We stepped out into the sunshine together and a recollection popped up, so sudden that
I was almost knocked to the floor with it. The last time I remembered walking in the warm
light of the sun together was the day that I had decided that I was going to slide on what
ever came my way, just five short days ago, and stop bitching about what I couldn't change
in the immediate future.
Sigh. It was out before I realized Gary could hear it.
"I'm sorry about all this. I guess I've done it again, but this time I really hurt
someone didn't I?"
"I still don't know what to say about any of this." I waited and thought and
then added, "Except that you're not all to blame. Remember? We've had this
conversation before."
"Yeah, and you were pissed off at me then too."
"Well, I'm not pissed now. I'm ... I'm sad Gary. I'm scared. I don't know how to
be a girl and now I've got to try the very best I can to do just that and I don't know
where to begin. But I'm not pissed, not at you anyway. If I'm angry at anyone it's me, but
if I spend too much time worrying about that I might as well open a vein right now."
He stopped at took me by the shoulders and looked me sternly in the eye. "You
wouldn't do that would you?"
"I don't know," I looked right back and answered. He tried to get the truth
out of my eyes and I guess he couldn't tell if I was bluffing or serious because he got
irritated with me. To tell you the truth, right then I didn't know if it was a bluff or
not.
"You shouldn't say shit like that. If you did something like that to yourself then
it meant that I killed you. I couldn't live with that. Not murder. Not you." His head
was hanging down and then it snapped up and he had tears in his eyes. "Do you
understand that?" he asked.
I searched his eyes and said, "Gary, I don't think I could if I wanted to. It
wouldn't surprise me to find that whoever designed me has programmed self-destructiveness
out of this girl’s mind." I reached out and put my hand on his chest. He laid
his over it and I could feel the beating of his heart quicken just the slightest bit.
"Besides, I'm grateful you didn't run out on me like the others seem to
have."
"They didn't. Well, not all of them. Kit and Frank were both out looking for you
until I called off the search when I booked your room. Hell, Kit felt personally
responsible for letting you get out without anyone seeing you. He hasn't slept in the last
two nights and he looks like shit. We were all afraid that if the cops called him in for
questioning about your … er, Mike's disappearance, they would see his condition as
suspicious and hold him. The guy is laid back and has a quick wit. He can usually talk is
way out of nearly anything, but when you're tired who knows what the hell a person's gonna
say."
I was touched that those three would do what they had for me. "Tell them thanks
for me when you see them again."
"Tell them yourself, they’re helping me move my stuff from the house to the
apartment."
"Good. That's good."
"Yeah, well I shouldn't say this, but Kit made me promise so he'll ask you if I
did. He said for you to trim your claws before he came in the apartment."
I whipped around with my nails splayed and said, "Oh he did, did he? Well I've got
something for him."
Gary laughed and that felt good. If I could get him to lighten up then I could relax a
bit too.
Then I remembered the girl in the clothing store. I was used to the way women threw
themselves at Gary and he would simply carry on as if they were wanted nothing more than
for him to offer them the time from his watch. As I've already said, most of us were more
than happy to try to pick up his rejects. I used to try to get him more involved with the
really pretty ones so we could double, you know, every once in a while just share some
good times with friends. It was just more fun that way, but Gary was always looking for
some higher love or something that he could never really define. I sure as hell didn't
understand it, but when I remembered the way Amy had looked at him I easily slipped into
my old part as matchmaker.
"Hey, you know that Amy chick back there wants you, pal!"
"What?"
"Yeah, didn't you see the way she looked at you? The way she took your hand
buddy?" I nudged him and tried to smile but for some reason this just didn't feel
right anymore.
"Bullshit! She handed me back your chip Michelle, that's all. Oh yeah, by the way,
here's your money. The room's deducted from it too, but I'll pay you back real
quick."
I ignored his attempt to change the subject as I took the chip but plodded on.
"Hell Gary, she almost kept your hand as a souvenir," I said, but my heart
wasn't in it. I didn't really want to match him with someone else anymore and he never
responded to my last statement so I let it go gratefully.
We walked along in silence for a while. I thought about why I couldn't seem to get into
the sprit of getting Gary "hooked up" but I knew the answer to that. No matter
how betrayed and alone I was feeling, he was still mine. My heart had not relinquished its
claim on him. I thought about all the other girls that had tried to pin him down in the
past and I got a little scared. Was I suddenly getting my just desserts? Was I now one of them,
one of Gary's "castoffs"? The idea terrified me. What about all the girls I
had told I loved only to bed them? I shuddered as a chill coursed through me.
Thinking about Amy and her attempt to get Gary to notice her, I remembered something
Amy had said. "Oh, hell that reminds me. She said she knows you?"
"Huh? I don't know her."
"OK, that may not be quite right. She said she always thought you were something
special. When I asked her what she meant she said she had seen you hanging around near the
college with me."
"How the hell can that be? She just met you."
"No, me." I waited for the recognition, but it didn't come.
"Me. Mike, remember me? She said that singer from that band
Tidewater."
"Oh." Then his eyes popped open and he whispered, "Oh shit!"
"Yeah. Not exactly what I said but that was close," I said grim faced.
"What did you say? We have to be careful there, you know?"
"Don't worry, I choked when my throat closed up on me. It surprised me that's all,
but she thought since I was hanging out with you I must have known me … er ... him
… ah ... Mike. Oh shit. Gary, it hasn't been a week and I'm already fading away,
aren't I?"
"No, you're not," he objected and stepped up to me.
"Yes I am ... he is. Mike's dead now. He's dead because he can't
come back. Oh Gary, we aren't going to get away with this Gary. There's too much to
over come. You'd better cut your losses while you can and put as much distance between me
and you while you can."
He looked at me with a silly smile and as he continued to look at me he saw that I was
not joking. As the smile slipped off his face, he looked at me and said, "I can't do
that. We started this you and I and I'm not going to make you finish it alone. I would
never be able to live with myself, so I'm not going away. If you leave, then I guess I
can't do anything about that, but I'll try to follow you. I’ll stay in the background
and I won't bother you, but if you need my help I just show up. I'll keep doing that until
I'm sure you don't need me anymore. Then I'll go away."
"Then you're doomed, just like me, but at least I'll have some very good company
on the way. Amy was right; you are something special all right. I don't know why I didn't
see it before." I put my arms around him and gave him a grateful hug.
"You never needed saving before. I would have been there if you did, but you just
never needed it before," he said as he hugged me back.
"Even if I was still ... you know, a guy."
"Yeah. I just wouldn't have hugged you that's all."
The room he secured for me was at what I considered and expensive hotel, The Concord.
The Concord was a three-star hotel; not a place where the rich and famous stayed but nice
enough for the parents of the students who attended the college, parents wealthy enough to
put their children in college and to stay comfortably close to their kids when they were
in town.
The lobby was large and comfortable with lots of dark wood and leather furniture. There
was a bar and a cozy restaurant in the corner across from the desk. The elevators were
across from the entryway. Gary lead me through the lobby and to the elevators, he punched
the up button and a set of polished brass doors slid open as if it had been waiting for
us.
Inside, Gary pressed the button for the fifth floor. The doors slid shut and the
elevator whirred into life. Within seconds the doors opened again to a hallway that was
quiet and comfortable. There were no sounds from the rooms as we walked down the hall; the
place was well insulated.
We stopped in front of room 5022. Gary produced a small card and pressed it into the
card-sized slot against the wall. He indicated that I should press my thumb to the print
reader and I did. It scanned my print and there was a click as the lock on the door
disengaged. I had seen these security locks before. It will scan and unlock only for the
print of the first person that allows their print to be scanned by the device. You have to
have the card for that to happen. Now only my thumbprint would open the door. I wouldn't
need the card key anymore.
Gary opened the door and allowed me to go in first. "Well, this is home for you
for the next three days or so, until the apartment is ready, anyway."
I went past him and into the room, which was about average size for a hotel but was
very comfortable. The bed was soft and I almost became lost in it as my fatigue began to
overwhelm me when I laid down on it.
"Not yet, come on." Gary's arms were around my waist lifting me back up.
"You have to get some food into you before you sleep. Then you can take a shower or a
bath and sleep as long as you like. But food first!"
"No. Please Gary, I'm not hungry. I just want to sleep," I whined. My arms
hung limp at my side and I did little, as I remember, to help him get me to the table.
There was a table in the corner of the room against the window, the drapes of which
were still drawn closed. On the table was a large blue combination food warmer/cooler. How
the hell had I missed that? As Gary led me to the table I could smell a wonderful aroma
coming from within. He sat me down and lifted the lid on the cooler, which was set to
warming mode. Gary reached inside and lifted out a plate covered with a plastic wrap.
Underneath was what appeared to be grilled shrimp and fish over rice and black beans.
Then, like a magician doing the greatest trick of his career, he reached back in to the
cooler and produced a small loaf of bread, butter and fresh vegetables, the same as he had
made for me that fateful night at his house. Last he produced a small wedge of some kind
of greenish pie. Next to the table was a small bucket with a chilled bottle of wine and a
glass to pour it in. "The wine will relax you -- help you sleep."
"My God Gary, where the hell did you get all this?" But I knew the answer to
that. He had someone at the restaurant make it and deliver it while I was trying on
clothes.
"Eat, don't worry about that for now. I'm taking care of that." He put his
hand on my shoulder and gently massaged it.
"Well, you don't have to tell me twice," I said, unwrapping the plate with
the shrimp.
"Look, I'm gonna go. You eat. If you want more just call the Red Fish and ask for
Jerry. He's been instructed to bring you whatever it is you want. Don't be shy. Jerry's
cool and he won't let me or you down, OK?"
"You didn't have to go to these measures Gary, but thanks, I really appreciate it.
You have no idea how much. I wouldn't have made it without you." I put my hand on his
as it worked my shoulder.
"Eat," he said again and turned to go.
I leaped up and rushed to him. "Gary."
He turned and I put my arms around him once more and held him tight. Hesitantly, he put
his arms around me and finally drew me in. I stayed there with my head against his chest
for a minute enjoying the feel of someone close. It was the last time we touched like that
for almost six months.
We broke our embrace, and as I returned to a well deserved meal Gary left. I ate and
drank the entire bottle of wine. The pie was a lime-flavored pie and Gary was later
surprised to find out that I had never heard of Key Lime Pie.
After dinner I took a shower. It was some time before I could bring myself to take a
bath. I allowed the warm water to course over me and if I had continued to bask in it's
warmth, I might have fallen asleep right there in the shower.
Clean and full of good food, I was now slipping in to a deep food coma so I quickly
dried myself and put on fresh underwear and a T-shirt. Then I pulled back the covers on
the bed and slipped between the sheets. I pulled the blankets up to my chin, relishing the
feel of the clean cotton sheets against my skin, and closed my eyes. As my lids met, I
remember thinking that it was only mid afternoon, too early to go to sleep, but when I
next opened my eyes, the sun had set. In fact it had been down for hours.
I woke briefly at times during the next thirty or so hours. On one of those occasions,
I was vaguely aware that the cool/heater that was on the when I went to sleep was now gone
and the table had been cleaned up. I felt that I should be alarmed. After all, wasn't I
the only one that could get into the room? Yet, it seemed someone had come in while I had
slept and cleaned up. I was still too tired to care. No one had disturbed me. If the
cleaning bandit had wanted to hurt me, they had had a prime opportunity when they had been
playing house with me sleeping just a few feet away. I just rolled over and feel asleep
again.
I could have slept longer. It seemed easier and easier to simply roll over and go back
to sleep the longer I stayed in bed, but I somehow forced myself to get up and test the
waters of consciousness. I woke to find that I was I had briefly forgotten that I was now
a girl, but I guess I hadn't really slept for the two days prior this long nap so I guess
that the last time I had actually woken up like this was nearly three days in the past.
Once I remembered where I was, I felt easier about what and who I was looking at.
Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes and, for a time, just sat there waiting for the cobwebs to
clear. As they did I noticed that the cooler/heater was back along with a clean plate and
a smaller box that I assumed was simply a regular cooler.
"What the hell?" I whispered looking around. I believe it was right then that
my negative suspicions began to get the best of me. It was there I started to convince
myself that I needed to put some distance between Gary and I.
I got up and made my way over to cooler. In the small one were milk and some Florida
orange juice (another rare treat, especially since except for the Miami Coast-most of
Florida broke off and collapsed in to the Gulf of Mexico-about ten years ago.) In the
large cooler/heater were scrambled eggs, warm fruit muffins and some link sausage also
somewhat rare, at least for the truly eatable kind.
This was the way time passed for the next three days. Gary came by on several occasions
to check on me and make sure I didn't need anything. We passed the time he had to spend
when not at work by playing cards and board games or just chatting. As I look back at that
time I can see now that I was cold and distant. I acted disinterested in hopes that Gary
and I could be more as we had been before all this, but I was so changed, not only in body
and in mind but in sprit as well, that I suppose I just shut everything off.
I honestly believe that if Gary had simply said "screw you, there's no way you and
I are moving in together" I would not have been surprised, sad, worried, you name it
-- insert your own negative adjective here. I might have even been relieved who knows?
However, Gary, much to his credit, was a man of his word from that time forward. I
finally saw that apartment four days after he had rescued me from the streets. It was in
what was called the renascence area of the city, a downtown district that, a hundred and
fifty years ago had been old and known as the historic district. Now the city was
rebuilding - no, rather restoring -- it to its original glory of the late 1700's to mid
1800's. The building that our apartment was in had been an old three-story fabric works in
1870. Since then it had been added to in height by several stories. The building took up
one entire city block and our apartment took up half of that on one floor. It was huge. It
was the biggest home I'd ever dreamed of living in.
Inside, a dozen large, ornate, Roman-style columns made of wood supported the ceiling.
They had been stripped of years of pant and were now stained a rich dark color and
lacquered to a shinny luster. The living room, an in-home office area and the kitchen were
all part of one large open area. Large windows that had to be eight feet high and four
feet wide lined two of the four main walls. Each of these looked out on a separate street
below. All opened wide to let in fresh air when desired. The ceilings and floors were
bordered in highly detailed Victorian crown molding and the ceiling was done in carved
plaster figure pieces around the hanging wrought-iron gas lamps that had been converted to
electricity. The place was as big as a gymnasium.
The bedrooms had been built on the east side of the building. A well-built and highly
insulated wall with a door-less hall near the entryway of our apartment led to three
separate bedrooms. The master bedroom was the first that you came upon. Inside, it had two
of the large windows that lined the two exterior walls of the main living chamber. It had
already been furnished with a large bed with lovely wooden foot and headboards, a dressing
table, chair and a wood-burning fireplace had been installed in one corner of the room.
The room also had a mini-VID and music center in the center of a bookshelf that stood
against one wall all at the foot of the bed. There was also a large private bath with tub
large enough for four people and yet another window. I didn't need to see the other
bedrooms to understand what was going on here.
"Gary, don't you think this room is a bit feminine?" I complained.
"For who?" he asked.
"For you."
"I suppose." I chided.
I stood there waiting to hear more but no more information was forth coming.
"This is not my room Gary."
"Fine ... you'd better get to moving that furniture then." He turned and
walked out of the door, leaving me there with more guilt than I had expected to have over
this. I chased after him but he was already out in the living room, about a mile away,
when I turned the corner of the hall into the main living area.
"Hey," I shouted. The echo was incredible.
Kit and Frank were moving furniture through the front door; a couch it looked like to
me but only Kit was in the door. Frank was on the other side, struggling to get whatever
it was turned in such a fashion as to get it in the door.
"Turn it this way ... No ... OK now wait ... WAIT! What part of wait don't you
understand Mr. Malibu?"
"Hey," Kit shouted. I turned and could see him looking over his shoulder at
me. "Damn it's good to see you." He set his end of the whatever-it-was down and
started towards me and I turned to greet him.
"Where ya goin’? KIT! This fucking thing is heavy here.... Ohhhhhhh!
KIT!"
He came over to me despite the protests of the unseen Frank.
His arms were open expecting a hug. I lightly put mine around him but withdrew quickly
after only a second. I think my curtness caught him by surprise, but he said nothing.
"How are you?" he inquired.
"Better now, thanks. And thanks for looking for me, but you should have known I'd
be all right. You didn't have to stay up for two nights trying to find me."
"What are you talking about?" he seemed confused. "Wouldn't you have
done that for me?"
"Sure. I guess I would have." I hesitated. "I'm just saying ... well,
thanks."
Suddenly, I wasn't sure what to do. I didn't want to seem ungrateful and I honestly
thought I was just trying to act normal, as I had before all this started, but I was being
met with cold and confused stares. Even with my friends rallying around me, I felt alone.
All of them had gone back and I felt as if they were just going to through the motions of
being kind. I felt crippled. I felt like I had been hobbled and everyone was holding a
pity party for me.
"Look," he was saying. "If I could do something to make this better I
would. I've always been your friend. You've always treated me with more respect than most.
I'm sorry we got you in to this mess. Can you forgive me?"
"It really wasn't you that did this to me. I'm grateful for all you've done to
help." I stuck out my hand to shake his but all he did was look down at the extended
limb with a screwed up look on his face.
At length he said, "Well, yeah, right ... whatever," and walked away without
shaking my hand and left me standing there feeling foolish. I could feel my face turning
red with shame and I started to turn back to stop him, thinking about how much I had
always liked Kit. Besides Gary, he was one of maybe two or three others that I really
called friends outside of the band. I looked after him as he walked back to the
whatever-it-was and started to work with Frank to get it in the house.
"About time!" Frank shouted as Kit returned to the front door. "I need
to fucking piss and this thing is in my way."
"Why don't you just shut up for while?" Kit snapped back.
"That's your fault BITCH," that small quite voice in my head told me.
"Well, OK," I heard Frank mutter.
I didn't go over to him. I was too embarrassed.
"Get that furniture moved yet?" It was Gary behind me.
"Eek!" I squeaked. "Don't sneak up on me like that! I nearly peed."
"OK, OK," he said laughing. "I'm sorry, but what about it -- the
furniture?" He was, of course talking about the furniture in the room he had proposed
for me.
"You're kidding right? I can't take that room Gary. That's got to be the master
bedroom. I'm not contributing here. That should be your room. I mean look at this
place!" I waived my arms around saying, "It must be costing a fortune!"
"Dad owns the building." It was said so matter-of-factly that I could only
gawk in amazement. Gary nodded and bit into an apple he'd been holding. "True. He's
selling these flats off as condos and he gave us this one. He's so happy that I decided to
join the company, he would have given me the building if had I asked."
"Gave?" I asked.
"Gave us."
"Gary ..."
"You need to learn to shut up and accept when people do something nice for you.
You take the bad pretty well -- you're strong that way -- but you need to let others feel
good when they do something to help." He grinned at me. "That's advice," he
said and walked off to see if he could help Kit and Frank.
On the stairs I could hear Frank Sr., Gary's Dad and Norm -- I would start calling him
Norman before much longer for some unknown reason -- wrestling with yet more furniture.
I quickly chased after Gary again and this time caught him before he got too far away.
"Gary, where did all this stuff come from? That bedroom suite, all this furniture,
how can you afford all this stuff?"
"I've got a good job and I've got parents who want to help keep me on the straight
and narrow. They're thankful that you seem to have straightened me out. It's the only way
they know how to show their appreciation. Believe me ... I didn't want them to go this far
either, but like I said, sometimes you just have to let people do what people do."
"But Gary, that stuff. I can't accept it."
"No one's going to ask you to do anything for it Michelle, if that's what you're
afraid of."
I scowled at him, "You know that's not what I meant. It's just not right. I can't
pay them back."
"You really don't get it do you?" He seemed genuinely surprised.
"Get what?" I asked.
"They're paying you back. They feel they have a debt to pay to you. When all I
could do was think of finding you and providing a place for you, they were worried. At
first they thought I was jumping into a relationship too fast; that I was having some kind
of break down connected to Mike's disappearance. But when I asked for a job, they stopped
asking questions, both of them. It was amazing. Mom suddenly warmed to the idea of us
moving in together. The next day she suggested this place. You see, I didn't ask for any
thing except a job."
I stood there floored by what he was telling me.
"Be light of heart for now. No one's going to start shouting ‘Margin
Call!’ OK?" He rubbed my smooth shoulder with one hand, which was warm and rough
on my skin. It felt good to have him touch me. I dared not tell him that, but it did. I
missed it already.
He walked away, confident in his stride, God he was so good looking, so kind. How is it
I had seen him so differently before? I shook my head. "Oh no you don't! There
will be no falling in love with him, do you hear?" and a small voice that was not
my own said, "Too late!"
I was suddenly slammed with a memory. It was as if it had really happened. I could
smell the memory; remember the tactile experience of it, the feeling of vertigo as I had
looked down at a floor that was not there and furniture that floated over nothing. My head
swam with the reality of the feeling and I fell over where I stood. I was aware that Gary
and Kit were both running over to where I now lay on the floor. They were shouting
something, but it seemed garbled.
I could see Erin on her bed in my mind’s eye. Suddenly I couldn't breath. "Dream
a little dream with me," she sang.
"Gary!" I croaked. "The dream."
Next I was on the couch. My forehead was damp and cold. Karen was there somewhere close
by as I could hear her and Gary were arguing. "She has to go to the hospital Gary, I
thought you cared about her?"
"I do Mom, but she can't go there not right now. Please don't ask me to explain. I
can't."
"This is not right Gary. She ... Oh honey you’re awake. Are you OK? Gary, go
get another cold compress for her head."
"I was just telling Gary you need medical attention, so I'm going to get you down
to my HOV and get..."
"I can't." I said terrified.
"What? Dear really, you can't..."
"Please. Gary's right. I'm fine," I pleaded.
"Honey, if money's a problem. I'll be happy to pay." I suddenly got the
irrational idea that she was probing for something, a hint or an idea that she was on to
more than she was letting on.
"Karen, can I be honest with you?"
"Sure dear." I though I caught just a glimpse of a smile there, but I
couldn't be sure. "You can tell me anything."
"I don't have any identification." I hung my head as if ashamed and in
reality I was ashamed. Ashamed of what I had become, of the fact that I had allowed my
life to get so screwed up, that I was now a cripple.
"But ... But ..." she seemed at a loss for words. "Everyone knows you
just don't exist in this world with being registered, except for those on the
‘fringe’ and they are not pretty young women that look like they stepped out of
a fashion VID some place."
"It's a long story..."
"I'd love to hear it." She started to sit down next to me as if I would just
start weaving a tale to enthrall when Gary interceded.
"Mom? You want her to tell you her life story now? After she's had a fainting
spell?"
Karen blushed for just a moment. She was used to charging in where others feared to
tread so-to speak. Every once in a while it got the best of her. Thankfully this was one
of those times and Gary had been quick to capitalize on it.
"Look it's been a long day," he suddenly announced. "She needs some
rest."
"Gary," his Mom whispered. "We have to talk about this."
"Later Mom," he said sternly and she backed down. "I know what I'm
doing."
"Thanks for your help getting us moved in. Really. Thanks. Norm, take some of
those beers with you. No that's fine, go ahead." Gary said hustling everyone toward
the stairs and the door to the street below.
Kit came by the couch that he had helped wrestled in the building and where I was now
laying. He bent over smiling, "You OK?" he asked softly.
"Yeah. Look, I'm sorry," he held a finger up to my lips silencing me.
"I think I understand. Don't give it another thought."
"I think you know how I feel don't you?" I asked. He looked up at Gary
showing everyone out, thanking them as they left, while shaking hands.
"He's a lucky guy. Yeah, I think I know."
"Speaking strictly from a new perspective here," I said. "You're pretty
wonderful too." This time he did take my hand and kiss it ever so tenderly.
"Second place isn't so bad," he acknowledged. "Once you get used to
it."
I smiled at him. "So I'm forgiven?"
"Only if you promise me a dance and a kiss on New Year’s."
"Done!" I exclaimed and with that he patted my hand and strode to the
kitchen. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm going to have to get him to teach me
how to do that."
Gary gave everyone but Kit the bum’s rush, then joined me franticly at the couch.
"Please tell me you're OK. Please ..." He was kneeling next to the couch and he
had taken my hand. He looked about to cry.
"I'm OK. I just fainted."
"Really. If you need to get medical attention I can find it for you, but if you
have to go to the hospital, they'll bust you for sure."
"I'm OK." I smiled to show that it was true, but my concerns for deeper
questions keep the smile from feeling sincere.
"Whew. You have to stop doing shit like that. I can't take much more of it."
He relaxed and sat back against the front of the couch.
"You're Mom knows something Gary. This was the worst possible thing that could
have happened, my moving in with you."
"What are you talking about?"
"One day Gary and already the questions are coming. That's what I'm talking
about."
Kit came in from the kitchen. "You guys want to rent me a room?"
"Yes," I said
"No," Gary said.
"Tie goes to the lady!" He declared. I wrinkled my face at the sound of that.
Now that everyone was back to being the way I was used to seeing them, it was even harder
to picture myself the way I had been left.
"You have a place," Gary retorted. "And what do you mean only one
day?"
"I fainted and your Mom wanted to take me to the hospital. What if I hadn't woken
in time? I'd be there right now, waiting to be arrested."
Gary ran his hand over his forehead. "Man. I have to think about this."
"What are you two talking about?" Kit questioned.
"Getting caught," I answered. "You saw what happened today. That can't
happen again."
"Well," Kit said, "if you ask me, all you needed to do, if you're in
fact not truly ill, is have an excuse. Low blood sugar, fainting spells, migraines,
something -- not 'I don't know what's wrong.' That kind of answer just screams 'We'll then
lets find out what's wrong.' Put me in a dress and call me Nancy ... er, sorry. What I
meant was ... Duh!"
I looked at Gary. "No shit, Duh!" And he said, "It's doubtful
that you're ill or ever will be. Engineering, you know?"
"You could even, you know, take some placebos or something just to make it look
convincing." Kit sipped a beer looking proud.
"No Vodka?" I asked and he shook his head and held up his hand as if he never
touched the stuff.
"I had to tell her that I didn't have ID. Brilliant!"
"That may be for the best." Gary said mater-of-factly.
"How's that for the best Gary?" I cried.
"Mom and Dad have connections. You have to these days in order to make money at
any business. Mom's the brain behind the business end of things anyway. Dad’s more of
the artist. He likes to talk big, but it's Mom that applies the grease to the
wheels."
"We still need ID for you, papers -- a pedigree if you will." I quickly
leaped to all fours and started panting like a dog. Kit roared with laughter but I think
Gary was made a bit uncomfortable by the act so I quit. "Anyway, I think she can get
the ball rolling for us there, quietly of course, but it may be best that she knows.
Otherwise she can't help. She maybe nosey but she's also helpful and will keep things she
finds out to herself. Trust me."
And I did trust him. I trusted him with my life, which was now in the hands of his
family and him. I trusted him so much in fact that I decided to tell him what had made me
faint.
"There's something else Gary," I started sheepishly.
"Huh?" He turned to look at me directly.
"I've seen Erin," I said and looked down at my hands in my lap, more I think
because I didn't want to see the reaction on his face than for any other reason.
Silence.
"Did you hear...?" I looked up to see his face. Oh yeah, he'd heard -- and
Kit had heard as well.
"What?" I asked.
I got nothing from either of them.
"I'm not crazy."
Still nothing.
"Stop looking at me like that. It's true."
"Maybe your Mom is right," Kit said. "She may have hit her head in the
fall. She should see a doctor."
"You're scaring me Michelle."
"I'M NOT CRAZY!" I insisted. "She said that I was going to have to stay
like this to prevent you from ... from ... Oh God! I am crazy," I wailed and buried
my face in my hands. "I've gone stark raving mad. I can't handle being a girl!"
There were hands on mine trying to pry them away from my face. "Tell me Michelle.
Tell me what you think she said to you."
"No! Go away, I'm crazy. I've lost my fucking mind."
"Please," he said tenderly. It was that tenderness that always soothed me.
"I want to know."
I pulled my hands away from my face slowly and began with my fainting spell. "Back
when you were talking about all this stuff from your parents. You said that it was for
saving your life. That they were paying me back for saving you from God knows what.
Remember saying that?"
Gary nodded.
"Since the change, I’ve had dreams. On the night all this started, when we
snuck back in to my dorm room, I woke up and freaked out, remember? Well I had one that
night. It was weird. I was in her room back in our old house but it wasn't her room, see.
It was ... oh never mind. What she said was that I needed to save you from something but
she never said what it was. She never told me. Then she cast me in to a dress I couldn't
take off. It was scary as hell. I have to assume that she meant that if I remained like
this you would be saved."
I shook my head slowly. "I had forgotten about that dream until you started
talking about how you believed I had somehow turned your life around." I reached out
and took his face in my hands. "It was so real Gary. I could touch her, feel her in
my arms."
Gary had turned white as a ghost.
Kit was uncomfortable too. "Wow, look at the time." He didn't wear a
chronometer and there were no timepieces in the house yet. "Gotta run you guys …
er, and ah ... gal. Don't get up, really. I can find my own way out." He did too. Kit
nearly sprinted out of the apartment slamming the door as he left.
I was left holding Gary's face in total bewilderment. "Neither of you believe
me."
"No, quite the opposite. Personally, I can't see any reason for you to lie about
this. I also think that if you check that chair you'll find a spot where Kit peed in
it." The thought made me giggle just a little.
"That means I've never been in control of this thing since it started. Erin or
whatever wanted to change me into a girl from the word ‘go.’ I was set up!"
Then another thought occurred to me. "What if our friendship is a hoax, set up
just so that you wouldn't meet an untimely end?"
"Now wait a minute," he started, but I cut him off. The wheels were turning
now.
"But how can that be?" Because if Erin hadn't died there would have been no
one on the, quote-unquote other side to have manipulate me. Unless…."
"Michelle, I can see where you're going with this. Your sister's death was an
accident. There just can't be any forces at work here conspiring against and entire family
to save one miserable soul, and you know that. Don't you?"
"I'm not sure I know anything any more Gary. I want to go to bed."
"Wait. Please, Michelle. Don't leave me like that. Let's talk about it. Do you
know how irrational that sounds?" I was already off the couch and on my way to the
bedroom.
He called after me to stay one more time. I simply said, "Goodnight, Gary,"
and shut my door. I don't know what he did after that for nearly twenty-four hours.
The sad thing is that when we did see each other again. I was distant and mistrustful.
I spent a great deal of time in my room reading or watching the VID. I couldn't go out
often during the day. It was too much of a risk. Get known in an area and people want to
know about you. It's safer being a stranger believe it or not. Folks just don't want to
have much to do with strangers. Consequently, strangers don't get asked a lot of questions
unless they're acting suspicious.
Thus, the tension grew. Gary was wonderful, for the most part. He tried to involve me,
to get me to take part in some of life's grand festival, but I refused. I even withdrew
from taking my meals with him when he got home from the restaurant. Even after he would
spend all day overseeing the operation of the kitchen and work late in to the diner
schedule, he would still come home and prepare a wonderful meal for "us" -- a
meal that I would more often refuse to eat until he had gone to bed in frustration; only
then would I pick at it. My pride was growing by the minute and its’ teeth were as
big and sharp as that of a saber tooth cat.
The situation with my attitude wasn't helped by the fact that all I was doing was
taking. I was no longer a member of the team. I was the soul benefactor of the team. I was
a leach, a sponge, a freaking charity case. No matter how I tried to help I was told,
"That's OK," or "Don't try to do too much," or "No, no. Don't
worry about that. We'll get it dear." It made me want to barf and scream and run away
all at the same time. I was beginning to understand just what it felt like to be a
prisoner. I grew more resentful as time went on and Karen became more and more nosy.
She would come over in the afternoon and bring drapes or furnishings or something she
had picked out that would be, "Just wonderful here in the corner, don't you
think?" But there wasn't a question of whether or not I would like it or want it or
feel like burning it in the fireplace. It was going to stay there. She might have well
just said, "Get used to it."
It was more of an excuse, I think, to come over and pry. I had used quite a bit of my
remaining tuition money to buy clothes, some personal things and was using the rest to
contribute to the joint food supply. Gary hid the other bills and refused money from me
when offered so I quit trying. Karen always wanted know how much Gary had spent on my
wardrobe or at least pieces of it at a time to try to conceal the fact that what she
really wanted was to know where I was getting money from.
I have to admit. She tried to be pleasant. I had to remind myself that we had once been
friends. But Gary and I had once been friends too and that was quickly deteriorating in to
the biggest pile of shit I'd ever seen.
I couldn't get the idea that my family had been destroyed -- no, singled out and
obliterated, used as tools from the time of Gary's birth to make sure that forces of evil
didn't befall him and cause him distress and pain. It was the idea that we, my family, as
dysfunctional as we had been, had existed only for this purpose. The thought made me
madder than hell. Didn't my father and mother have feelings? Would my childhood have been
different if they hadn't have been manipulated? Is that why we were kept in relative
poverty? And what about my sister? She had been so talented. Was she breaking the mold?
Did the forces that kept us down for the sake of "The Plan," as I was beginning
to refer to it, see that she was becoming a threat and took her out or had she been planed
to draw the short straw from the very beginning?
"No, No, NO!"
I would tell myself. What kind of God would do that?
Was there even a God? There was no force in the sky or earth that would do that to an
entire family. My Dad had been at the controls of the HOV when Erin had been killed for
Christ's sake. Was it part of "The Plan," that my Dad suffer the way he had as
the one responsible for taking her life? Wouldn't it have been more humane for her to die
at someone else's hands, more humane for her, for him, hell for all of us -- or was that
part of the plan too? With my parent's in everlasting repentance, it was much easier for
the neglected son to vanish wasn't it? For him to become a tool of the "The
Plan," damn his life anyway, this is what he'd been born to do. So why not let me be
born as girl in the first place, if that was the lot I had drawn in life. Why make me do
this now?
I wanted to find the architects of this so-called "Plan" and ring their
celestial necks. I wanted to scream in their faces and let them know that they were
fucking with the lives of human beings down there. I wanted to know who in the hell they
thought they were. I brooded over this for quite a while, months in fact. Then I decided
that I had completed my task under "The Plan." Gary was safe and I was going
home -- I would find a way home.
I spent hours researching the possibility of overriding the error codes in that
transmitter. I still had it, although I had had to go retrieve it from my hiding place
under the Franklin overpass. Amazingly it hadn't rained since Gary put me up at the
Concord nor had anyone found it and disposed of it.
I remember thinking about the architects of ‘The Plan’, "Very sloppy.
A couple of loose ends in `The Plan'. Not a very professional job if you ask me."
With some time and effort I found a guy, an electronic engineer who was rumored to do
work on "things like that -- for a price." It was dangerous looking for such a
guy so going to see him was even worse. If I could find out about him, it was a certainty
that others higher up would have access to that information, but this was my only chance.
I had about $3,000 in cash left; not a lot, but maybe enough -- just maybe.
- * -
I can only imagine what Gary was going through at this time. He never complained.
Instead, he buried himself in his work. We spoke but it was only off handedly. There were
times when we would sit and play a board game or watch something on the VID. As I found
out more and more information about the possibly of actually being able to get back to my
life I warmed to him a bit. I began thinking that maybe he was as much of a pawn as I was
in all this. Then I would think something stupid like, "What if he were really
meant for some sort of greatness in the future. Wouldn't your family be personally
responsible for getting him to that point? Is that not a distinguished point of honor in a
person's life, the person behind the person so-to-speak?"
In spite of my rebellious brain, my friendship with him began to blossom again, to a
lesser degree than before, but we were at least speaking. That was better than being cold
stony co-habitants of the same apartment.
On the fourth month, I went to see Derrick Hitchman. I took public transportation
everywhere I went. Frank and Karen had given us a HOV along with everything else --
they were much more wealthy than I had ever suspected before -- but it stayed parked in
the building’s underground parking garage. Gary walked to work and I, with no
"pedigree," didn't want to risk getting stopped driving the thing.
Derrick's "Shop" was not far from the warehouse where I had been
"born." I got off the public HOV and made my way along the line of dirty,
rundown shops and storefronts of this once prosperous side of town. The weather had been
warmer when I had awakened that morning, so I had decided to wear a skirt thinking things
would warm up further, but it was already October and winter comes quick to this part of
the country. The wind blew from across the harbor, blowing in from the North Atlantic and
made me wish I had worn pants.
The wind swirled and blew under my skit. It was all I could do to keep it down around
my knees, never mind keeping warm.
I could hear another public HOV approaching from behind. I was so cold now that I had
convinced myself to take the dead transmitter in my purse and go home; maybe try again
another day. As I turned around to hail the driver down, my eye caught a glimpse of the
shop, "Hitchman Circuits."
I walked in to find a litter filled, dirty little place strewn with electronics,
monitors circuit boards, broken old style CRT's and Bubble transmitters. They lay in piles
against the walls and in corners, stacked on chairs and on the counter where customers
might transact business. There was what seemed like an inch of dust on everything with few
exceptions. Some of the piles seemed as if they had been disturbed, perhaps raided for
parts or simply randomly explored as if they hid some long forgotten treasure. Behind the
counter was a single door. It was closed, but beneath it shown a light. Someone was home,
presumably Derrick. The place gave me the creeps.
"Maybe this is a bad idea." I was just about to go and see if it was
too late to catch that HOV when something -- it appeared to be human -- came out of that
back room. This alleged life form was white and thin -- ghastly thin. It's hair hung in
long oily tendrils from all around the sides but it was bald at the top. It appeared to be
a thousand years old and walked with a stoop, but the thing moved surprisingly fast to be
as old as it looked.
"Ah," it said in a gravely voice. "A customer. And a pretty one at
that." It leered at me.
"No, I made a mistake. Thanks just the same," I tried and made for the door.
"I think not. Why don't you tell me what you came here for?"
"Because I've reconsidered," I told him.
"You wouldn't be here, not a girl of your talents, were it not important. I can
fix it for you." I went instantly cold. "He knows too. What is it? Do I have
a fucking sign tattooed on my forehead?"
I cautiously asked, "Fix what?"
"Whatever that is sticking out of your purse," he replied pointing.
"Damn it! That could have fallen out."
"That's OK, really. It's not really broken. I'll just come..."
"Patch code transmitter, right?" I know I went dead white.
"Please ... let me go home. I've changed my mind."
"No need to worry. You want to play with a skin. Find out how the other half
lives? That's a dangerous road to girly."
"You know, you're right. I'll just go home." All I wanted to do was get out
of there.
"Don't you move a muscle sweetie. The cops watch this place you know. You come in
and out too quickly and they'll think you're up to something. Maybe I should just hold on
to that for you?" He plucked the transmitter out of my purse with the deft skill of a
pickpocket.
I felt sick to my stomach. My head was spinning. My confusion of the last few months
was now compounded by the fear of cops and this freaky little man that had my last link
out of the game.
"This one's been used. It's no good girly. What do you want this for? Come on ...
tell me quick! Your dealing in a forbidden taboo."
I started to cry. I wasn't ashamed of it this time. I was badly scared. "I want to
go hooooooommme," I wailed miserably. Suddenly, my life didn't look so bad
after all. "Please don't turn me in. I just made a mistake and I want to go
home." I swore he could keep the thing. I'd never tell anyone I'd been there. I
wanted to flee to leave to get the fuck out of there.
I put a long, bony arm around my shoulders making me shudder with revulsion. "It's
OK girly. I'll fix it up for you. It'll cost you though. This way. This way," he said
and made his way to the back.
I thought about making a break for it but the words, "I'll fix this for you"
gave me hope. I followed him.
The back of the store was more of a war zone that the waiting area, if that was
possible. He sat in a chair behind a desk that was the only clean spot in the whole place.
He pulled a few wires from a meter of some sort to the transmitter and declared,
"Short life battery is used." He proceeded to plug in a long red wire in to an
interface at the bottom of the unit and the display screen leaped in to life. He turned to
me and said rather than asked, "That's not your body girly."
"Unit 4 in the flesh," I said meekly.
"Can't help you," he said curtly and tossed the machine on a pile of garbage
to one side of his desk.
"That's mine," I said.
"It's broken. You can't use it. Leave it here and I won't charge you."
"Charge me? For what?"
"Service fee," he whined.
"Please, I know you don't owe me anything but I have money." His face picked
up at that.
"How much?" he sneered.
"Can you get me out of this?"
"I'll have to replace the battery. Won't work on regular power. Short life battery
is used." He considered more to himself. "Then I can see the error."
"Unit 4 out of phase," I said.
"Huh?"
"I said, ‘Unit 4 out of phase’."
"You're damaged goods girly."
I didn't like the inference, but I couldn't dispute it. "I know."
"$30,000 to by-pass the error. Then, no guarantees you won't wind up with a eye
where your ear is."
"You're kidding right?"
He studied me. "You were a man," he said as if he had just realized that the
water he was drinking from was contained in the Holy Grail itself. I said nothing.
"Then maybe you'll wind up with a dick where your nose is. Does that sound like
I'm kidding. Your damaged good sweetheart, no telling where things will wind up," he
turned back to his desk and dug out the transmitter, "but most of it will be in the
right place. Besides a dick for a nose, then you could watch at the same time." He
laughed an evil laugh that made me cringe.
"OK then, $3,000 to ..."
"No!" he shouted and turned on me. I said $30,000," he said very slowly
with a lecherous smile, " and maybe some nookie on top of that."
I was floored. He wanted ... SEX! Eeeeewwwwuuuuuuuu. I tried to focus on the
lack of money. "I don't have that kind of money. I have $3,000. It will have to
do." I handed him the chip with three thousand dollars plus remaining as a balance in
good faith.
"Then more nookie."
"No. I'm not sleeping with you."
"Then don't sleep, only fuck." He was serious and he was starting to look
very dangerous. My thoughts went back to a scrawny little Chinese boy that very nearly
kicked my ass and I thought it was best that I not underestimate this man as well.
"Oh God. Please get me out of this and I'll be good. I'll never ever try to go
against the grain again. Just get me out of here whole please." I thought as I tried
to stall. "What do you have to do to that to get me out of this?"
What luck. He actually held the machine up to me to show me. I felt it was a sign. I
remembered how fast I could move, but I was wearing pumps and it was cold and I didn't
have a vehicle. Yet with all that against me, I snatched the machine out of his hands and
ran as fast as I could.
"Heeyyyyy!" he shouted. I heard him clanking around trying to get out from
behind his desk, the huge magnifying glass that had been mounted there smashed in to his
head and I could hear the bell like quality of the sound as it hit him. Bong! The
sound made me smile in spite of my situation as I dashed outside and on to the sidewalk
and stopped, trying not to attract attention, and hoping that Derrick wouldn't want to
either.
I turned and saw Derrick scowling at me from behind the counter in the waiting area
through the widow of the storefront. He looked to me to be considering chasing me as an
HOV pulled up and I climbed on and pulled away. I had the transmitter still, but I had
lost the last of my money. It was gone and with it any hope of getting someone to get me
out of this mess.
As I rode home that day, I clutched the device that was the source of all my pain. I
hugged it like a teddy bear. I loved and hated the thing. Derrick had suggested that it
could be done, albeit with a certain amount of risk but it could be done. The idea burned
inside me, useless and out of reach.
CHAPTER TEN:
Gainful Employment |
I remembered thinking, "That was too damn close!"
I had been reckless and selfish. I still didn't realize just how selfish my attempt to
repair the controller had been until I started telling this, for want of a better phrase,
tale. I could have wound up in a dozen different states, none of them positive. Luckily, I
was now on a HOV on my way home -- still a female, but going home.
I was broke too. I remembered once I had gotten on the HOV that I had handed that wormy
little horn dog the last of money, my cash chip. After I sat down and the shaking subsided
some, I remembered to check but I knew that I had left it there. No amount of wondering or
scheming would ever get it back. It was probably the best payday he had ever had and I
suspected it was the true reason why he hadn't chased me out in to the street.
The loss of three thousand dollars can have a profound effect on most, but it was
especially crushing for me. It had distanced me from everything I sought, new
identification, a departure from Gary's home, escape from "The Plan" and a
chance at escaping this fate. It was going to take some seriously earth-shattering events
to bring me around, and that's exactly what happened in the next three months. I got off
the HOV as close to home as this carrier came to my block. Walking home I considered my
options, both of them.
I could throw this stupid box away or I could keep it.
I decided to keep it. Boy I felt better already.
As I made my way home I realized that time seemed to have gotten away from me. The sun
was going down behind me and it was getting colder. My skirt was trying to blow up around
my head and my feet hurt.
What the hell had I been thinking dressing this way, if not for the cold then for the
strangers? Had I been asking for what I got? Every once in a while I would look up from my
deliberations to see where I was or what street I was passing. Once, as I did this I saw a
picture of the band, my band, Tidewater, on a post outside a music store. I stopped to
read it.
In Memory
The band known as Tidewater would like to invite all who wish to attend to a memorial
service for our friend Michael Vello, the beloved lead singer of our band who entertained
this community for the last two years with his extraordinary talents. Friends, Mike's
family and we would wish very much that you join us as we say goodbye to our friend and
mentor. It is with heavy hearts that we concede the loss of our friend. It is for this
reason that we wish your presence to help celebrate his life and influence on us. The
service will be three blocks from the College Knights Club where Mike learned to give us
what made us all happy.
October, 3rd 2082
7:00 PM
Christ Episcopal Church
I was being eulogized. They were burying me. I was dead.
I snatched the bill off the post and rushed home, panicked. If I let them put me
in a box, even if ceremonially, then Mike would never be able to come back. How could I
ever explain where I'd been? I didn't stop to think that I had already been gone six plus
months. That alone would be quite a feat to explain, had I simply returned. A quote from
Sam Clemens struck me, "Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated."
My thoughts were circling around the idea that I still wanted to get back to the
point where everyone else had. I wanted to be free of my female form. I wanted to be a man
again. If I let them do this then when I found a way to get of this body I wouldn't be
able to do it. It never occured to me at that point there might never be a WHEN let
alone an IF I found a way to get out. All thoughts of my recent promise to God
about being good and never trying to find a way out were washed from my head with the idea
that the people that I had known as Mike were ready to let go of me now.
I wasn't ready to go.
I had to stop it. I couldn't allow... It was at that point I realized that Gary
had to have known about this and he had said nothing.
I ran as fast as I could in the pumps I was wearing -- not very -- and wondered
whose idea it was for women to wear elevated heals? Don't you guys know just how hard it
is for us to run in these damn things when we have to? High heels and hose. You think they
look so good? You wear them.
I charged the apartment building, flying past the doorman and up the stairs.
"Evening Miss..." he called after me. I hit the door but it was locked. Gary was
not home yet. I wanted to know why he hadn't told me.
"Where have you been?" I heard from behind me. I turned on him with a
fury that I would regret.
"How long!" I demanded.
"Huh?" he raised his hands defensively as he back peddled away from me.
"I said how long?" tossing the page in his face.
He looked at the paper and muttered, "Shit!"
I waited for an answer.
"Can we go inside?" he asked.
Anger warred with my need to know. Finally I stepped aside to let him pass.
"That's not too much to ask I suppose."
Inside he took off his coat and hung it up. He poured himself a glass of wine and
started to explain.
"How long you asked -- about three weeks." He sipped his wine and
waited.
"And?"
"And what? What are you asking me?"
"Did you intend on telling me?"
"No," he said flatly. "To what end? Would you go? Would you really
go and upset yourself like that? You're folks will be there. Can you deal with that
without going insane? Do you think I want that for you?"
"Ah..." was all I could come up with.
"I know you don't want to be here. I'm going to keep doing the best I can to
make things right. I promised to do that and I want to do that, but that means I'll make a
few decisions on my own. I can't stop you if you want to go to this thing, but I don't
think it will be healthy and whether you want to believe it or not, I had your best
interest at heart."
I slunk down into a chair. That was it then. I could do nothing and neither could
or would Gary.
"You had to have known this was going to happen," he pointed out.
"I did and it's the main reason I wanted to leave town in the first place. Do
you remember that conversation?" I asked glumly.
He knelt before me. "I wish I could make this better or easier for you. I
know you're unhappy. I'm sorry that I can't seem to do better." I reached out and
touched the top of his head, stroking his hair. How I wanted him to hold me, but I had let
things get to a point where I dared not yield to my feelings. This is best I kept
telling myself. Yeah? Then why does it feel so damn wrong?
"If you want to attend this service then I'll go with you. I'll do what ever
I can do to make it easier for you, but I still think it's a bad idea."
I said nothing. Instead, I got up and went to my bedroom leaving Gary where he was
at the foot of the chair I had sulked in.
I won't go in to the details of my thoughts except to say they were self-pitying
and pathetic. I grieved as if I had been Mike's friend instead of realizing that I had
been Mike.
After hours of soul searching I made a decision and stood at Gary's bedroom door,
afraid to speak until he noticed I was standing there. He had been lying in bed reading,
partially nude. When at last he noticed me he seemed embarrassed, quickly covering up. I
was a bit surprised by it but in retrospect, I suppose I would have done the same thing.
"I've decided I want to go."
He only nodded. God bless him, he didn't argue having given me his opinion earlier
and knowing I needed no more elaboration. I understood his concerns and he knew it. I was
struck by the awesome respect he had for my desires.
"I'll drive you."
"You don't have to go," I assured him.
"Yes I do. It would look funny if the girl I live with showed up at my best
friend’s funeral and I didn't."
"Right," I agreed. "Goodnight Gary."
"Goodnight." He rolled over and resumed reading.
I slept late that next day, remaining in bed until nearly 4:00 PM. I couldn't
bring myself to face the day. On March fourth I had been reborn and on October third of
that same year I was being laid to rest. Finally, I showered and dressed in a black
outfit, skirt and blouse. Gary was clanking around in the kitchen so I knew he was waiting
for me to make an appearance and it was about 5:30 when I finally made an appearance.
"You look very nice Michelle."
"Thanks. So do you." And he did. "I don't think I've ever seen you
in a suit before."
"Thank you. Want a drink? I think we have a little time." He looked at
his watch to confirm it.
"Yeah. Something strong please."
He poured straight vodka in a small glass and handed it to me.
"Gary, can I ask you something?" I downed the vodka before he could
answer.
"Anything."
"Do you hate me?"
"What kind of question is that?" he asked, but there was no emotion in
it.
"What kind of answer is that?" I retorted.
"OK then, no. I don't hate you."
After I drained the warm, bitter liquid, I shoved my glass back at him and he
refilled it.
"I told you it couldn't be the same."
"I know." He said.
"I'm sorry." I felt awful. We were both living a nightmare and it made
matters worse for me that Gary had chosen to live it with me.
"Shush. It's OK. No more on that now, OK?"
"I owe you a lot."
"No more." He gently reminded.
"OK," I agreed, nodding in agreement, but my heart ached so. There were
things I wanted to say. I wanted to explain that if I gave in then I really would be dead.
If I resolved myself to living the life of this girl, then I could never come back and I
still wanted to come back. I wanted to make him understand that. I wanted it to be OK with
him.
"I guess we should go…" was all I could come up with to say.
He came around from behind the kitchen bar and put his hand into the small of my
back. For a moment I could almost think that we were going out to enjoy the evening
together. I slowed my step at his touch, wanting it to linger, but the moment was short
lived. He withdrew his hand to open the door and allowed me to pass into the hall.
The church was packed. I couldn't believe that this many people had come because
of me. There had to have been over 5,000 people. They couldn't all get into the church. It
took us nearly forty minutes to find a place to park and the spot we found was three
blocks from the church itself. It was a cold walk and the wind was fierce. At times I felt
like it would simply carry us away. It seemed to mirror the ferocity of my confused
emotions.
When we got closer, there were groups of people milling around here and there
talking about the band, talking about me. It was surreal to hear these people talk about
me as if I wasn't there any longer, but how could they have known? The groups of people
got larger within their groups and the number of their groups grew thicker until as we
approached the church we couldn't seem to get any closer for all the people.
Gary had taken my arm in his as we were walking close together now more for warmth
than for any reason if intimacy. It made it easy to talk to him without others overhearing
what I said though and I was grateful for that.
"This is not all for me is it?"
What do you think?" he whispered back.
"Gary, look at all these people!" I declared in stunned bewilderment.
He looked at me and I must have been smiling at the thought because he said,
"You need to at least act upset here. This guy was an icon, not to mention a friend
of mine."
I looked at him in confusion but he never looked back at me. An icon? Me?
I had three or four good, really good friends when I had been Mike. I knew two
others as acquaintances and of course there were the members of my band. If I had been
this loved it was news to me.
"Gary." I heard the voice before I could react, still I tried to pull
away and run. Gary held my arm firm holding me where I was. Soon I stopped struggling and
turned to face my mother.
"Hi Rose," he said. "I'm so sorry."
He was suddenly in her arms hugging her, a place I had wanted to be for years. How
is it that Gary slipped in there so easily?
"Robert and I have missed you. How have you been?" She was different
somehow. She seemed -- I don't know -- humble.
"I've been good. Working with my Dad now." Behind my Mother my father
was approaching. He looked pale and haggard very unhealthy. When he joined the group, he
smiled a wane smile.
"Gary." He extended his hand.
Gary took it and shook it firmly. "Robert."
"Thanks for coming. Who's the young lady?" my Dad asked.
"I'm sorry. This is Michelle."
"A new love interest?" my Dad asked. I extended my hand. Taking my
father's hand, I shook it once gently and then let go as he said, "Pleased to meet
you."
I searched for something to say. "I ... I'm sorry about all this." It
was a confession, and a genuine apology, as much of one as I could bring myself to spit
out at the time anyway. My Dad took it as a condolence for his lost son from a girl that
hadn't known his boy but was being polite.
"She's so pretty Gary." It was my Mom. "You two serious?" It
was polite talk. Talk designed to avoid the main subject and I was glad for it. I wanted
out of there. Gary had been right. This had also been a mistake.
"Rose, I want to ..." Gary started, but then broke up. His face fell
apart and he collapsed into my Mother's arms.
"I'm sorry Rose. God forgive me, I'm sorry."
My Mom broke down, then my Dad and the three of them were hugging and crying. It
happened before I could react. There I was, feeling very much the outsider, just as one
might when attending such a function having never met the principals involved. I was
empty. They had loved me after all, but somehow I had missed it. I had tuned my back on
that love and I had missed it.
The members of the band were milling around on the steps of the church and my
first impulse was to hide so they wouldn't recognize me. Then, reality set in and I was
able to get over the idea that someone would see who I really was.
"Come into the church and sit with us Gary, you and your girlfriend."
She smiled at me. "You won't get in otherwise. You are as much of a member of our
family as Erin and Mike are ... were... Oh Gary," she shrieked and was crying again.
I couldn't stand it any longer. This was not Gary's fault, it was not some
"Plan." I had fucked up and now I had cost my parents their last child. If I
didn't get out of there soon I was going to go insane. I waited until the emotional moment
had passed and pulled Gary aside. "I can't do this Gary. You were right. I'm sorry. I
know it's wrong, but I have to leave. Please take me out of here." I clutched at the
lapels of his coat. "Don't make me do this, please."
"OK. I'll get us out of this. Don't worry."
"Thank you. Oh, thank you Gary."
"Wait here. OK?"
"Yeah, OK. Thank you."
Gary when over to my folks, chatted briefly and then excused himself. He came back
to me and put his arm around my waist. "Let's go."
"What did you say?"
"Told them that I just couldn't do this. That I couldn't say goodbye."
I allowed myself to be held. I relished it. "I'm sorry, Gary. I didn't mean
to put you through that. I didn't expect all this. I don't know what I expected, but my
parents ... I didn't think they cared. I have been wrong about so much. Nothing is what
I've thought it was."
"Ssshhhhh, it's OK."
"No Gary. It's not OK. My folks cared about me and I never knew
it. Is that my fault? I think it is." We were still passing the people that were
hoping to get in to the church. "Look at all these people. I never knew." I
shook my head.
"You're kidding right? You didn't know how much these people loved you?"
"No Gary, I didn't. This is a mystery to me."
I was walking fast trying to get away and we had gotten further than I could have
hoped. In a few more steps we were in the parking lot where the HOV was parked.
"Home, please. I just want to go home." He took me there. By the time we
arrived I was badly depressed.
I was up for a long time after we got back. Gary tried to console me and I suppose
he understood to some small degree. After some time he gave up, leaving the door open for
me to seek him out if I wanted. The temptation was there. I wanted to go back to the way
things had been. I was still in love with Gary, but that was part of this body, not me,
not Mike. I didn't want to get caught up in the idea that Mike was truly gone, even if
they had buried him today. Giving in to my feelings about Gary would mean just that.
In the morning my attitude began to make a dramatic turn around.
When I woke Gary was gone. He had left for work. He had left a note for me but I
didn't see it until later in the day, after it was too late.
What I did see was a newspaper on the dining room table. The headline froze me.
Night Club Disaster Averted!
In perhaps one of the strangest coincidences in
recent memory, a disaster on the scale of the "Coconut Grove" fire in Miami in
the nineteen fifties was averted last night. Patrons of the College Knight's Club were
attending the memorial service for the lead singer of the band Tidewater, who made
headlines after vanishing just before a recording session six months ago and then for the
phenomenal hit "On A Mountain Top" that was released days after his reported
disappearance.
On a night where as many as six hundred college and local kids would have
otherwise packed the small tavern to hear and dance to the music of this rising star, they
were instead in a service for the remembrance of his life and talent. Two minutes and
twelve seconds into the service the roof of the tavern collapsed. Fire and rescue workers
say that because of heavy air conditioners and heaters on the roof, it's doubtful that
anyone inside would have survived if the bar had been open for business and the band,
Tidewater, still intact.
As it is, the tables and chairs were the only casualties last night, but
one question remains. Was Mike Vello's vanishing such a coincidence after all. Had it
happened one day before or one day after, the place may have had a hundred or more people
drinking and dancing there instead of in church at his memorial. Had he not disappeared at
all, as many as five hundred could have died, including all the members of the band.
It's my contention that this community owes Mr. Vello not only a fond
farewell and thanks for the music he left us with but a debt of gratitude for the lives
that were spared because of the tribute to that talent and music. |
Is that true? Is that what Erin was taking about when she said he would not
survive?
I knew the answer. It was yes. This was not some sinister cosmic conspiracy. It
was simply meant to spare life. The fact that I hadn't seen it or understood mattered
little in the scheme of things. But I hadn't made any conscious choices here. I hadn't
decided to stay like this. I was not given any way back. So why play on my emotions this
way and try to make me feel I had options here? The option I knew about was with some
dusty old man that wanted sex from me in return for a chance to get back to being Mike.
I was stunned and shocked. How many would have been killed, me, the band, hundreds
of others only there to listen or dance? Instead we were all still alive. Was it worth it?
My part in this was over and I had been left cold. My task was finished but I was still
stuck with the vehicle that had been used to save all those lives.
I grappled with that idea. There was no question that I was glad that all those
people had survived. It was an uneasy idea that I would have to live with, the knowledge
that because of me many might have died. I also agreed that to get a chance to reverse
that judgment was more valuable than the life of one man or woman, but the idea that could
there have been a better way wouldn't leave me. What was to be gained this way, by leaving
me in this shell for the rest of my life? Didn't I do what had to be done? Why not let me
go now?
I didn't get to struggle with the idea for long. Gary had started working on the
idleness that seemed to be adding to my general malaise. He had confronted his parents on
hiring me on at one of The Red Fish restaurants.
This presented a huge problem, as the Red Fish was a legal business, required
under law to account for all its personnel and revenue. All businesses have
"illegals" working for them. The vast majority of them come from other
countries; many of these come from the United Mexican Republic, although many also break
through the so-called "Artic Wall" from the Soviet Canadian District to our
north. Almost all of these refugees are living here legally. So obtaining proof of
registration, even getting inserted in the database was possible -- difficult, even on a
good day, but doable.
Gary had told me about all of this and I had given my permission to explore the
possibilities but only for the reason of giving me some more ideas. I was not ready for
the knock at that door just yet or receive the visitor that brought it.
I really wasn't expecting anyone at that time of the day. When I answered the
door, it was Karen and I guess the surprise showed on my face.
"Mrs. Shipley! Hello. Won't you please come in?"
"Hello Dear" she started. "I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced
but I wanted bring you the news myself. You've been hired at the restaurant as hostess. We
couldn't be happier to have you with the rest of the family. Congratulations!" She
smiled and opened her arms to hug me.
Hired? What the hell was this about?
I didn't know what to say. I knew Karen could be pushy. In fact, I suspected that
this apartment and the job, although a good thing for Gary, had been mostly proposed by
Karen's over zealous attempts to rescue her son from self-destructive behavior. What
better opportunity than to take advantage of a desperate situation to do it. Not that I
blamed her. Had it been my kid, I suppose I might have done the same thing. So, I did what
I could at the moment. I bluffed.
"Mrs. Shipley, I don't want to seem ungrateful but ... well-as you already
know, I'm not exactly legal." I blushed. I could feel the blood suffuse into my
cheeks. It was truly embarrassing to have to say. At least I didn't have to act.
"You are now dear!" she declared and smiled. She pulled a small chip
card and a card reader out of the top pocket of her coat like a magician doing a
particularly lousy magic trick and handed it to me. I took it tentatively. I really didn't
want it. It meant that I was in the government database now. I was traceable. I could no
longer just drop out of sight. My hand shook as I slid the card in to the reader. I wanted
to cry. The train just kept a movin'. It was going so fast now it looked liked I would
never be able to jump off.
My photo popped up in the display.
March 4th. Shit, my real date of birth. Michelle's date of appearance. A tear
slipped from my eye. I was sad because now I was really stuck here. If I vanished, these
nice people would have to answer for it.
"Honey? Are you OK?" Her hand was on my shoulder.
"Hum?" I said raising my head from the display. I was embarrassed to be
so emotional with her and I quickly wiped my eyes. "Me? Sure. Just choked up, that's
all. Thank you, but you shouldn't have gone to the risk and expense. You'll have to let me
pay you back for this."
"Gary told us about how your Mother died when you were eight. It's a hard
world out there for a young girl with no home."
"Ah ... yeah. Look, I don't want to talk about that if it's OK."
"You mustn't feel you can't talk to me about anything. I want to be your
friend, Michelle. You'll make a wonderful hostess. So pretty that people won't come for
the food any more. Gary will be quite jealous." She smiled a sly smile like that
should mean something to me.
"I don't know what to say," I choked.
"Say 'thank you' dear." She looked so confused.
I really didn't know what to say. So I said nothing. We sat in an uncomfortable
silence for a second then she said.
"It's a lot all at once. I understand that you'll want to think about it, but
the job is yours if you want it. Frank and I are grateful to you. This is just our way of
telling you so. Gary was headed for trouble. We know that. You turned him around. Frank
still doesn't know how you did it, but we do don't we?"
I started to respond, "I'm not sure how much I had to do with Gary's turn
around..." but she interrupted me.
"And that brings me to my point! You couldn't know if Gary had been in need
of a turn around. You haven't known him long enough. Gary's bout with responsibility came
coincidentally right after he met you." She stopped there to assess my reaction.
I'm not sure what my external reaction was but my internal reaction was that I
wanted to faint. She knew something! That was certain. How much she knew still needed to
be determined, but she was no dummy.
"Gary has mentioned some of his past to me. I just made some
assumptions," I told her.
"If that's the case, then you and Gary have a truly special relationship,
because these are things I'm not sure Gary has even admitted to himself."
I was a bit annoyed by the remark. Apparently, I knew Gary better than his own
Mother, so it wasn't a real surprise why he had been headed in the direction he had been.
My face must have clouded over a bit in anger because she continued.
"Please don't get me wrong. I love my son very much and I have come to like
you very much. If I hadn't, you would never have gotten the job, let alone our confidence.
We did this willingly, because we believe you were a good risk. We trust you."
"But you're not telling us the whole story are you?" She paused and
rubbed her hands on her pant legs before continuing. "Well ... of course you're not.
We both know that, and I would never confront Gary on this because I believe it would
drive him away again and I don't want that or to hurt him or you."
She waited again. This time I don't think she wanted me to say anything at all but
I could no longer sit there and say nothing.
"If you think I'm hiding something from you then why don't we start there and
I'll try to clear things up for you, put your mind at ease." I had no idea how I
would answer her questions but I was on the defensive now. There was no turning back.
"OK. Let's talk about what you know about the disappearance of his best
friend, Mike Vello." She stopped again and again I'm sure it was to gage my reaction.
"OK!" I said. "It seemed to be very hard on him," I lied. I
was doing this a lot these days.
"You know, I didn't get that feeling," she countered.
Gulp!
She just kept blundering along, closer and closer to the truth. "Gary loved
Mike like a brother. We didn't see much of him at the house though. I think it was because
they loved just trying to get into trouble together. You know how boys are, don't
you?" She looked at me but didn't smile. "Mike was usually very busy with his
little rock and roll band, but Mike was a good boy and I was glad for his influence in
Gary's life." This time she did smile as she reminisced about me.
"But that awful weekend when he disappeared ... all the interviews with the
police and the weeks of not knowing and still no one knows what happened to him. Well,
it's all very sad. I feel worse for his parents. Did you know that they also lost a
daughter a few years ago?"
Oh God, please don't let me start crying now. Why is she doing this?
"Yes. Gary mentioned that." I wanted to keep my statement as brief as I
could. She had tripped me up once already. I didn't want that happening again.
"Of course. Well, you know what bothers me most about all of that?"
"No I don't."
Not once did Gary get upset about the loss, not in front of us, his Dad or I. It
was almost as if he knew right where Mike was; that he was alright and might even be
coming back one day. The police even had questions about that. I didn't see Gary shed a
single tear about losing his best friend."
"But then you and he had met that same weekend and I'm sure that helped with
the rough spots. I didn't see Gary every night either. I guess he had his bad moments
here, at home, with you, but I thought he would have shared some of that with us, you
know? So maybe I'm making more of all this than I should. I do hope they find that awful
man that was seen in Mike's dorm room."
"Karen, is there a point to all this? Is there something you need to
know?"
She considered my question for a minute. Then turned and headed for the door.
"I went to the liberty of purchasing a dress for you to wear when you report
to work next week -- in case you take the job that is. I'll bring it over later and you
can try it on. See if it fits, you know," she said without turning around.
"Thank you, Karen. I'm sure it will be just fine," I said. I felt funny.
She expected me to say something, come clean, but I couldn't. I just couldn't!
Then she said, "I spoke to your dad, Mike. He's ill, you should tell him
what's happened to you. Talk to him, before it's too late."
"I know that!" I was upset now and was starting to raise my voice.
"But what the hell would you have me say Karen?" Asked her sarcasticlly, "
'Hi Dad! It's me. Oh, the dress? Yes, it is pretty isn't it? Why am I wearing it? Well,
see, it goes with the legs. Yeah, I guess I've changed a litt...' " I froze.
I remember the empty hollow feeling I got, like everything inside me ran out the
tips of my toes. "Oh Shit!" I said and glared at her and ran off to my bedroom
and slammed the door behind me.
After some time there was a small knock on the door. I didn't answer.
"Mike?"
"Go away!" I shouted.
"I can't do that now. Let me in please."
"No!"
"We will have to talk eventually dear, we might as well do that now, don't
you think?"
"We don't ever have to talk about this and we won't get the chance if I
leave, which is what I should have done to start with. Now go away!" I shouted
angily.
Silence.
Good! I smiled a vindictive smile and recieved a measure of satisfaction
knowing that I too had taken her by surprise with my last statement. I moved to my closet
door and threw it open. I got a small bag from the top shelf and started stuffing it with
underwear and clothing.
"Mike?"
"Arrrgggh! Are you still here Karen? I thought I told you to go?"
"What are you doing in there?" she sounded concerned suddenly, not quite
so cocky. That gave me a small measure of satisfaction.
"Not that you need to worry about it, but I'm packing. I told you I don't
have to talk about anything."
"Now don't be silly. No one's asking you to leave," she said, sounding
concerned.
"No? You want to protect your son. I understand that, but things are getting
more and more out of hand. If I have to play this hand I've been dealt then I'm going to
have to do it some place where this kind of thing isn't going to happen."
I slammed the last of my clothing in my bag and zipped it closed. I stood at the
dresser, my hands planted on the top of my canvas bag, my head lowered. My hair hung down
hiding my head. I couldn't believe it. I had lost another life -- even before it got a
chance to get going. I just knew that this shit was never going to end. A single tear
splashed off my hand. I was going to miss Gary, even if it hadn't worked out between us.
It made me feel bad for him and I felt sick for myself. All I could do was hope this
wouldn't drive him back in to a life of indifference.
I opened the door and Karen was still there, looking as though at any minute she
might start ringing her hands. I shoved past her with a quick, "Excuse me,
please!"
"Wait, Mike. Please wait!"
"Please don't call me Mike. I can't go by that name anymore." I pulled
my blouse out over my boobs in an exaggerated gesture of breasts, allowed the stretchy
fabric to snap back in to place and then gave her the best curtsy I could manage.
"Now if you'll please excuse me, I have to go."
She raced around me and blocked the door with her body trying to prevent my
leaving.
"What are you doing Karen?"
"I can't let you leave like this Mike ... whoever you are? What the hell
would I tell Gary?"
"You're so big on absolute truth, try that. Tell him how you just couldn't
run the risk that the person you claim is responsible for his miraculous turn around might
be here only to take advantage of him."
"That's not what this is ab-" Karen started and I cut her off.
"Try that for starters and see how well it works for him. Tell him that you
didn't have enough faith in his judgment so you thought you'd do a little cleaning up
behind his back." I glared at her. She suddenly couldn't look me in the eyes.
"You know something Karen? For a person that doesn't want to hurt
